(note: this article was posted on SBA and is not being used as a media spot for tpe here. it features characters from both leagues though, so I'm posting it for entertainment only)
Hiram Canterbury doesn't look small next to a lot of people. But the 6'5 shooting guard looks positively tiny next to his friend, VHL rookie standout Mountain Thunderfist. The 6'8 behemoth and the SBA player formed an unlikely friendship in the past few years, and are currently hosting their second annual "Drunk Driving Tournament". Don't let the name alarm you. It's a golfing tournament for charity. I spoke to the two athletes.
Turnout looks great this year for the tournament. Could you guys explain a bit more for people who didn't hear about it last year?
Hiram: So we're hosting it at Red Tail Gold Course this year. Great place, ya kin? People come out, pay an entry fee that goes to charity, an we give 'em a two drink card. They have ta blow a .10 before they can start hitting the driving range an we group 'em up an the person with the best distance in each group goes on.
Mountain: THERE IS ALSO A BUFFET THAT MOUNTAIN APPROVES OF.
Hiram: Yeah. Big guy likes food. We keep the bar open o'course an the winner gets a trophy. We also let people bet on tha people who enter and most o'that goes to charity also. We're supportin' Three Square this year. It's a charity that puts food on the tables of people who need it. We got twice as many entries as last year, including ma da. Someone ta challenge Mountain at least.
Mountain: ALL CHALLENGERS ARE WELCOME. MOUNTAIN WILL PREVAIL.
With the way both of your careers are progressing, was it difficult to find time for this to work?
Hiram: Wasn't easy for sure. He's in Seattle most of the year now with the Bears and I'm usually in Boston with th' Minutemen. But we managed. It's important ta make time for things like this. We put a lot of effort into it.
Mountain: THE TRAINING FOR MOUNTAIN IS NOT DIFFICULT. HIT PEOPLE. PASS THE PUCK TO THE PRETTY BOYS WHO SCORE GOALS FOR MOUNTAIN. DRINK BEER. IT LEAVES PLENTY OF TIME TO PARTICIPATE IN EVENTS WITH FRIENDS.
On that note, Mountain, you're leading the VHL in penalty minutes as a rookie. Is there any chance that will slow down?
Mountain: THE SEATS ARE COMFORTABLE IN MOUNTAIN'S BOX. THE FEAR IN THE EYES OF THE ENEMY PRETTY BOYS BALLERINAS WHEN MOUNTAIN CRUSHES THEM IS THE LIFEBLOOD OF MOUNTAIN'S HEART.
Hiram: Yeah, he likes hittin' people.
Hiram, you lost out on a Most Improved Player Award to Koji Matsui this week but were named to the SBA's All Defense 2nd Team. Would you call that a successful season?
Hiram: The team lost, so tha's always more important than any personal awards. But ye never wanna lose. Jus' means I gotta work harder this offseason to get ready for next year. We get four new teams and a lotta new blood in the league this year. Me an tha grumpy Irishman gonna hold down our backcourt. Make sure the Minutemen are a threat.
Mountain: HIRAM WAS ROBBED. HE BROKE THE WILL OF HIS ENEMIES WITH FREQUENT STEALS AND BLOCKS BEFORE BREAKING THEIR HEARTS WITH DEADLY THREE POINT SHOOTING. HE IS A WARRIOR OF GREAT VIRTUE.
Hiram: Thanks buddy. I mean, if'nI'm bein honest, my play was a lot more physical thanks to workin with you.
Mountain: NEXT SEASON YOU SHALL MAKE THEIR MOTHERS CRY. I SHALL SIT BEHIND YOUR ENEMY'S BENCHES AND TAUNT THEM.
Hiram: He's been thrown out of three of our games.
Mountain: MOUNTAIN WAS POLITELY ASKED TO JOIN THE OWNERS IN THE LUXURY BOX.
Hiram: Little o' column A, little o' column B.
Mountain: HIRAM IS NOT INNOCENT EITHER.
Hiram: I may have spent some time sitting next to the penalty boxes and takin' tha piss o' Bears' opponents who ended up there. Fair play an all.
MOUNTAIN: MANAGEMENT OF THE BEARS HAS NOT ASKED HIRAM TO SIT IN THE OWNER'S BOX. THEY ENJOY THE TEAM SPIRIT.
Hiram: Snarky bastard.
One last question, guys. Who wins a title first between the two of you?
MOUNTAIN: THE LIKELIHOOD OF THE BEARS REACHING THE FINALS IN A POSITION TO POSSIBLY BECOME CHAMPIONS IS GREAT THIS SEASON, WHICH WOULD GIVE THE ADVANTAGE TO MOUNTAIN. HOWEVER PROFESSIONAL SPORTS IS A TOUGH THING TO PREDICT SO THAT IT CAN BE SAID THAT NO MATTER HOW WELL MOUNTAIN DESTROYS HIS ENEMIES AND THE BEARS CONTINUE TO ROLL ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN. MEANWHILE THE MINUTEMEN LOOK TO BE STRONG CONTENDER SIN THEIR NEXT SEASON GIVEN THE RELATIVE SOLIDARITY OF THEIR CORE PLAYERS EVEN AFTER THE EXPANSION DRAFT WEAKENED A NUMBER OF TEAMS. IT IS TRULY DIFFICULT TO PREDICT, A HOBBY LEFT FOR ONLY FOOLS AND THOSE OF GREAT BRAVADO AND MINIMAL ACTUAL SKILL.
Hiram: What he said. Loser buys the beer though.
MOUNTAIN: YOU ARE NOT WEALTHY ENOUGH TO LOSE THIS BET.