Hi Everyone, Henrik Zoiderberg here.
Recently I've been told that some of my graphics are low-effort. That I need to do more than just slap some writing and a logo on some text and call it a signature. Like I'm not trying hard enough. That I haven't put in enough effort.
But you know what's a lot of effort?
Players not showing up to practice on time.
Every year, literally hundreds of TPE are lost to players not showing up to their practice facilities on time. Did you know that over the course of fifty-two weeks, the average player in the VHL could earn up to fifty-two TPE just by throwing on their skates and clicking a little button?
It's as easy as tying your skates, but not everybody seems to understand this epidemic of lost skill. This is why today I'm announcing:
The Henrik Zoiderberg Foundation for Clicking the Practice Facility Button
Together with grants from The Seattle Bears (Thanks to @Banackock), The Prague Phantoms (Thanks to @diamond_ace), and our VHLM affiliate the Mexico City Kings (Thanks to @Nykonax), each of you will be able to enjoy a new weekly reminder to press the Practice facility button for all of you disenfranchized Welfare monkeys. Together, we can come together to build a more competitive VHL, where each and every player is reaching their maximum potential every single week and making this the best league it may be.
"But Zoiderberg," you may ask, "How will this be different from any individual team's reminder to get their practice facility TPE in?"
Well voice in my head, there will be seven key differences that set this apart:
Functionality. You can expect a Henrik Zoiderberg bug in your ear that helps you be the best player you can be.
Understanding. I know how difficult it can be to hit that button, and will be with you every step of the way.
Compassion. Having been a player for most of my playing career, I'm with you through this struggle.
Kindness. Sometimes its difficult to get out of bed once a week and hit that practice button. I promise to show you empathy at these times.
Youth. Having only been in the league for a couple of season, I've got the energy to inspire you to succeed.
Optimism. I'll always have a positive outlook of you and think you're capable of whatever you set your heart to.
Ungulates. My team of professional chefs will create a mammal-based protein solution for you, should it be required.
In another life, in my youth, I was a professional delivery person for a fairly well-known intergalactic shipping company. I swear to you that I'm going to bring the same drive and determination to your door on a weekly basis, and make sure that you get every ounce of my prowess at your request. As a proud Swede, I swear to be top-three in performance at anything I do, as long as Canada and the USA aren't involved.
In the interest of not padding my word count, I'm going to end it there for now, but you can expect more reminders to come from the whole crew at The Henrik Zoiderberg Foundation for Clicking the Practice Facility Button in the coming weeks. Stay frosty, skaterboys.
TPE for week ending November 24