Thunder

What can you do about Rip? @ScottyP is fucking useless. I can see him bragging in the office about his team getting the trophy and mislead all the coworkers thinking he contributed to Oslo’s success. Please Rip. Just do us all a favor and change your name to Jaime Dunham. You dont even deserve the name Jimmy now that another season has gone by and your TPE is shit. You better make it to the VHL before Thunder retires so Thunder can fight “Rip”. Check with Emilee, maybe she can write some articles for you. Shit at least they’d sound intelligent. Love you buddy!!

1. A heartbreaking end to S88, but we’ll be back at it again with this core of players in a few weeks! What do you do to keep yourself busy during the off-season? Smoking dope, robbing liquor stores, and jacking cars 2. Are you happy with your performance over the course of the season? What would you improve? Could have helped beat London 3. How does your player spend their free time? Strict training regiment 4. What are your thoughts on the VHL point task system? Is there anything you’d add or change? Now that I’m getting a taste of regression, I dont like it. All that work to be taken away. F that! Next player is going to be welfare the whole time. 5. What is one thing about sim leagues that confuses you or you’d like to learn more about, if any? If I was smart enough with the algorithms and what got a player better, I’d have a kick ass player. 6. Which of the remaining teams are you rooting for to win the Stanley Cup? Florida 7. Name a fictional character you relate to! Speedy Gonzalez 8. Favorite ice cream flavor? vanilla

But its true so it cant be slander.

I tried to stop Cole from selling fake Juan Ceson merchandise, and he went to far selling fake animals claiming he got them from the Juan Ceson zoo, but @badcolethetitanjust wants you to go to Mexico City. Stay strong Juan.

Graphic Review I like everything about this graphic. Your focus on the player and the positioning clearly puts it in the perspective of the viewer. Looking off to the player’s left and having the blurring on the players right makes a good contrast to the graphic. The coloring is really good as well, with the logo matching the jersey at the bottom and the distorting of the logo making it appear to fit directly on the jersey. I like the background and the blurring of the shape of what looks like a beer can with some fingers grabbing it. You have created a good graphic that highlights the viewers mind to dig deeper and observe what is in the graphic and what the graphic is saying. The “Ultra” doubles as the player being an ultra good player as well as the beer being a Michelob Ultra. You have created a very good graphic. Score 10/10

Graphic Review This black and white graphic makes a statement of surrealism like death or retirement, thus you selected a perfect darkness to provide the graphic with a statement. In addition you placed “Retired” in a good position and at an angle to fill the graphic proportionally and yet allowed the player to be the focal point of the graphic. I also like that you identified the seasons the player was in the league. The signature font was a good selection and the size is proportionate to the graphic. Overall this is a really good graphic that is well done and probably consistent with your talent of graphics. Just looking at your signature graphics its easy to see that you have graphic skills. Grade: 10/10

If you have a weak stomach you may want to stop reading this because it only gets worse. Its about a recent discovery found on several online sites and it made me hurl. Someone has taken things to a new low. You might ask, “How low?” Well, let me tell you. It’s so low an army ant would lose in a limbo dance. Juan Ceson, @dylanjj37, has become victim to imitation sales of merchandise. The official Juan Ceson logo is being replaced by a false logo, similar to the original trademark design but is lacking the quality that a true Juan Ceson product guarantees. Even the Juan Ceson zoo animals are in danger of being disguised as fake. As an example, the Juan Ceson zebra, white with black stripes, has been rented out to unsuspecting birthday goers as a maroon with tan stripes. This leads me to the next question. Who is responsible for this? Some have questioned @Blazzer, but she has a good alibi. Others have suspected @Viper, but he is loyal to Juan Ceson. All leads; however, have pointed to someone who favors giving Las Vegas trouble and has the means and the motive. It’s @badcolethetitan. Blame Cole! 202 words

Claim 4/4

1. What a thrilling series win against Moscow! What is one word you would use to describe our team right now? AHMA 2. Give us an inspirational quote! Grass doesnt grow on a playground 3. How would your player celebrate a championship win? Hawaiian Punch and ring dings 4. What is your favorite part about being a part of the VHL? Waking up every Monday morning knowing I have to spend 2-5 hours coming up with shit to get my TPE for the week 5. What are your thoughts on the Chicago Blackhawks winning the Connor Bedard sweepstakes? I only like Chicago when they are playing Detroit, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Dallas, or Montreal. So I dont care. 6. If you could have dinner with three famous people, who would you choose? Jesus and his disciples 7. Creamy or crunchy peanut butter? Creamy. Crunchy tears up bread 8. I’ve been getting back into playing Payday 2, so in the same vein as last week’s TV question: do you have a favorite video game? If so, what is it? Techno Bowl

What is Brian Payne doing while the play offs are taking place? Is he sitting on his couch, sulking and sucking down whiteclaws to wither away his pain of not making the playoffs? Is he trying to convince @ScottyP to get off his ass and earn more TPE so Rip Wheeler will make it into the VHL, and give @Scurvy some desperately wanting TPE for recruiting ScottyP? Or is he keeping an eye on Jake Thunder and offering some badly needed advice? Given the first two games of the playoffs, it appears that Payne needs to do an intervention on Thunder, since he’s been useless for Davos. Thunder was so mediocre during the first two games against Moscow, he didn’t contribute to the games, couldn’t win a fight, and skated so slowly that even the zamboni was faster than him. So Brian Payne, its time to step up and provide some valuable pep talk, or extra training to get Thunder off his ass and onto the ice to compete against Moscow at a level that is to be expected. 181 words

I blame @Scurvy for your Happy Gilmore graphic!!!

Scurvy, do you really think you can kick @ScottyP in the ass to get him to step up his TPE earning? I mean, think about it…. He goes home from work, gets drunk and gets on NHL23 to say, “I do what I do.” Plays hockey like a little kid, bumble bee hockey. And all those diving penalties, come on Scotty p. Get your shit together. Its not like you do anything at work. Type some shit up there and people will think you are working hard!! Hurry up and get into the big league before Payne retires. Geez…

Claim 3/4

1. VSN predicted that we’re going to win the Continental Cup. What can the team do to achieve this feat? Stay focused, good team play wins games. 2. How did you come up with your VHL username? Shark was taken 3. What is one thing you would add to the offseason to spice it up? A one time fee of $10 per season so you dont have to do a 6 tpe article every fucking week. Its getting old. 4. If you could add an award to the VHL, what would it be? Most fights and winning most fights 5.How did you do in VHFL/Super Coach this season (if you participated)? Who is your favorite all-time NHL player? As expected. 6.Who is your favorite all-time NHL player? Phil Esposito 7. Tea or coffee? Coffee 8. I just watched the newest episode of Demon Slayer! What is your favorite TV show? Last Man Standing

The season is coming to an end and that means that the super coach winner will be selected. @Spartan opened the super coach league to all at the beginning of season 88, and the first official super coach will be reigned champion. The top three are @hedgehog337, @Alex, and @AJW. All three of these top contenders are experienced GM’s and there should be no suprise why they are in the running for the super coach trophy. Hedgehog337 leads the pack with 1128.7 pts. Hedgehog337 is the GM for Riga Reign and selected a star studded roster, which includes: Cobalt Burns, Florida Man, and Sergey Preobrazhensky, for his forwards, with Biggie Cheese and Mo Probert on defense. Cole Pearce is in the net for team Hedgehog. Currently in second with 1119.6 pts is Alex, who is the outstanding GM for HC Davos. Alex’s team consists of Mac Atlas, Nils Godlander, and Florida Man up front. His defenders are Mo Probert and Skor Mcfleury. In goal, Alex selected Lachlan Summers. AJW is third with 1108.5 pts. AJW is the GM for the Houston Bulls. He picked Sergey Preobrazhensky, Saku Kotkakoivu, and PJ Daniels to score goals. His defense is Biggie Cheese and James Marino. AJW picked Alexander Minion to stop the puck from going in. As the season winds down, Alex and AJW are relying on only four of their players to overtake Hedgehog, as each team has two common players. Matching up Hedgehog and Alex, both selected Florida Man and Mo Probert. While Hedgehog and AJW both selected Sergey Preobrazhensky and Biggie Cheese. Alex and AJW have no common players, so all six of their players will be scoring to maintain their ranking. Best of luck to each of you! 291 words

Claim 2/4

1. In a crucial two-game sim against Prague, we came out on top! How are you liking our chances of beating them out for first in the conference? They will lose in the first round. Next.. 2. As we close in on the end of the regular season, how would you describe your player’s performance? A great big pussy. I need to block more shots to keep the puck from getting near Summers. 3. What brand of equipment does your player use? Walmart 4. Do you have any rivalries with other users in the VHL? Scurvy, AKA Brian Payne from Warsaw. He’s a bigger pussy than I am. 5. How did you find out about the VHL? Scurvy 6. Which two teams do you think make it to the Stanley Cup Final? Well, since Boston is out, I dont really care. 7. Where is your ideal vacation spot? That’s a secret question on my credit card, so I’m gonna have to think about it before I give you the answer…. A Faith Hill concert 8. Does a straw have two holes or one? zero

Easier said than done

The last time HC Davos won the Continental Cup was season 61. It’s time for that to happen again. GM Alex has been doing everything he can for several seasons, building a solid team, making strategic trades, and using draft picks to his advantage. It appeared that season 87 was going to be that season, but Davos came up short in the cup. That was a sad, sad day for Davos players when the cup ended and Davos was sent home. Fast forward to season 88 and Davos is in the same boat as season 87. The trades have been made and the team is stronger, yet Davos is not in first place in the European Division. Granted, the EU is a tough division. That shouldn’t matter. Every day on Discord, there is discussion of winning. That’s all there is to do. Nothing else matters. Every Davos player bleeds Davos blue. It’s time to make it happen. Its time for Simon T to stop screwing with HC Davos, GM Alex, and win it all. The time has come…. Go Davos! 182 words

It is certainly getting tougher and tougher each week to come up with a topic to write about. I’m about to the point of just clicking welfare and training just to avoid having to write anymore. This shit’s gotta change, especially now that I’m only earning so that depreciation coming up doesnt hit me so hard. While searching for something to write about, I came up with a list that beats all lists. And with a little filtering I came up with an idea. To narrow it down, I had to pick out only active players and went from there. From this list of 300, I took the top 20 active players who impact games with brutality, bone crushing, show no mercy skills. If you were tagged for this, you made the list, and I can pretty much guarantee that you will never be even remotely eligible for the Lady Byng Trophy. So, congratulations to all of you! Keep in mind, these are active players as of the time of my research and by the time this is in print, your stats likely changed for the better. Vinny Detroit @dasboot, leads all players, active and retired, with 3099 hits in 629 games played. Vinny started VHL in season 80 and has been crushing opponents for 5 different teams. By the end of season 88, Vinny will have a record that will be incredibly hard to beat. In addition to his outrageous hits, Vinny spends a fair amount of time in the penalty box, with 1704 PIM. At an average of 5 hits per game, Vinny Detroit is the biggest bad ass of powerful bad asses! He deserves the #1 ranking. Vasile Lamb @dlamb, is #2 of active players, pounding opponents with 2177 hits in only 487 games played. Vasile is on pace at 4.47 hits per game and started bone crushing in the VHL in season 82, and has played for 4 different teams. Vasile has spent 1011 minutes in the sin bin. Vasile has some time left in the VHL to attempt to get closer to Vinny’s record, but its not likely he’ll match it. Zach Kisslinger II @Kisslinger, ranks #3 on the hit list of active players. Zach started the VHL in season 81 and is at the end of his career, so he will move down on the list. Zach is able to boast 1678 hits in 557 games, all with Warsaw, at 3 hits per game. Zach has spent much less time in the penalty box than other bone crushers, but still has a respectable 685 PIMS. Zach’s career is a definite plus. Saku Kotkakoivu @DollarAndADream , records 2.9 hits per game and currently holds the #4 rank of active players who like to hurt opponents. Saku started earning stats in season 81 and has played for 4 different teams. Saku has hit opponents 1607 times in 557 games. Saku will overtake Zach by the end of season 88 and move up to the #3 spot. With 699 PIMS, its likely to see that number increase slightly by the end of the season. What is it with you players with long ass names making it a pain in the ass for me to type the correctly spelled name? Brendan Marner @MetalToday, now that’s a nice easy name to spell. Brendan holds the #5 slot of active players for heavy hitters and is another leader who has played only for Warsaw, and records 3.2 hits per game. Brendan has 1566 hits in only 485 games. Brendan started in season 82, and has some time left to move up in the power ranking before retiring. Sitting in the penalty box 693 minutes has only slowed down Brendan’s pace to come close to Vinny’s hits. Nico Pearce @Spartan , is #6 on the active list of all time hits. Nico has played on 4 different teams in the VHL, starting in season 81. Nico is right on Marner’s tail with 1551 hits, although he’s played 558 games. Nico is a little better disciplined than Marner, with 660 PIM. At 2.7 hits per game, Nico has a slight chance of moving up to #4 someday, but unlikely to move above that. It’s obvious that Nico’s Jersey lifestyle has contributed to his meanness on the ice. Brian Payne @Scurvy, currently ranks #7 on the all time active hit list. Don’t let the fact that outside the rink he’s always wearing spandex with the “Curves” logo fool you. Brian is a monster on the ice. In only 413 games, Brian has hit 1485 opponents. At 3.6 hits per game, he’s not about to go after Vinny Detroit’s record, but he could eventually move up the list quite easily. If Brian could stay out of the penalty box, he might be able to move his hits per game up as well. The Payne Train has 1251 PIM already and is only 450 PIM behind Detroit. The undisciplined powerhouse has only played for Warsaw since season 83 and has a couple more seasons to bump his stats. I’m beginning to see a pattern here that Warsaw produces some serious beasts and promotes heavy hitting and aggressive play, which is right where Payne belongs. Now, if you are reading this and you wonder why I’m giving Payne so much more ink than others, its because I know him IRL, and he is anything but a tough guy IRL. He’s a squishy little lamb who pisses all over his leg at the first sign of trouble, so he is able to be tough in the VHL! Sven Eightnine @BarzalGoat, is #8 currently on the list of meat eaters. He started his punishing in season 81 and has only played for Seattle and New York. At a shocking 2.6 hits per game, Sven has played 558 games and has 1425 hits. Sven is on pace to maintain the #8 spot but there’s another hitter right on his tail with 1423 hits. At first glance you would think Alessandro Nano might overtake Sven, but unlike Sven, Alessandro has played out his seasons. Sven has also spent 857 minutes in the penalty box. Alessandro Nano @leafsman, is currently #9 and his stats are so close to Sven Eightnine, you’d think they were twins. Alessandro has played 558 games and has 1423 hits registered, making an impressive 2.6 hits per game. He has also been in the sin bin for 881 minutes. Alessandro started in season 81, and has played for 3 teams, but not for Warsaw. Alessandro is retiring and his stats will be frozen soon. Daniel Janser @Daniel Janser, rounds out the list of top 10 active hitters in the VHL. He’s been in the league since season 82, playing for only 1 team, not Warsaw! At 2.8 hits per game, Daniel has played 485 games and has recorded 1380 hits with 695 PIM. Daniel is Calgary’s current leader and is the team tough guy. He’s only a short number from moving up to the #9 spot and dropping Alessandro. With a couple more successful seasons, Daniel could move up a few spots. Matty Fire @MattyFired, is currently #11 on the all time list of bone crushers at just under 2 hits per game. Matty has 1245 hits in 631 games. He started in season 80 playing for 4 different teams. Matty is somewhat disciplined with only 538 minutes in the box. There is quite a gap between the #11 spot and Janser in the #10 spot, which makes it unlikely Matty will move up in the ranking. Nevertheless, #11 all time is a good number to be at. There are only 10 better than Matty. Tavish DeGroot @rory, is currently #12 on the active list and has some seasons left to boost his stats and move up. He started in season 82, playing for 5 different teams, Tavish hits no matter where he plays. With 1223 hits in only 487 games, Tavish has some room to grow with 2.5 hits per game. And 855 penalty minutes only prove that Tavish doesn’t back down and can hurt any opponent. It’s probable that Tavish moves up at least 2 spots before he hangs up his skates, or I should say he stops taping his knuckles. Dabnad Shaw @Dabnad started in season 83 and is currently #13 on the active list of punishers. Dabnad has played in 414 games and has 1160 hits already. Dabnad could knock down a few above him but his pace of 2.8 hits per game needs to boost in order for him to move up any further on the list. He spends a fair amount of time in the penalty box with 925 PIM. Dabnad is a steady player who has been on two teams in the VHL. Igor Molotov @Dom, is currently #14 on the top active hit list. He started in season 83 and has played for Malmo and London. Igor has recorded 1114 hits in 413 games. Igor is a disciplined destroyer with only 541 PIM. At 2.7 hits per game, Igor can only move up on this list, possibly 2 or 3 spots before retiring. Cadmael Ixazaluoh @Vice, hits opponents on average over 2.2 times per game, currently ranks #15 on the VHL all time active hit list. Cadmael has been with Toronto since season 82 and has recorded 1089 hits in 486 games. In addition to hitting for Toronto, he has spent 799 minutes in the box. Cadmael has a small chance of moving up in the ranks, with a little aggressiveness and attitude. And here’s another name that was hard to spell causing my eyes to blur! Perry Laperriere @KaleebtheMighty, currently ranks #16 on the hit list, and #1 or #2 on making it difficult for me to type without a misspelled name. Perry L has only played for one team, not Warsaw, since season 83, and has registered 1056 hits in 412 games. At 2.6 hits per game, it won’t take long for Perry to move up in the ranking. Perry has also spent 439 minutes in the penalty box for Prague. Quite frankly, the more time in the box when Perry is facing Davos, the happier I will be! Maximus Decimus Meridius @Beaviss, WTF, another long ass name to screw with me. Maximus is currently ranked #17 on the active hit list and has played 453 games hitting opponents 1028 times. At 2.3 hits per game, Maximus will not pass Perry but may overtake Cadmael before retirement. Maximus is a disciplined player with 401 PIM, playing for 3 teams since season 82. Cobalt Burns @Ledge, averages 3.8 hits per game and is currently ranked #18 on the active hit list. There is only one place to go for Cobalt, and that is up on the list as Cobalt has played in the VHL since season 85 and is still building his TPE. With only 270 games under his belt and registering 1023 hits, Cobalt is a menace to be watched. Playing for 3 teams thus far, I can see other teams looking to latch onto Cobalt for the help to raise the cup. Cobalt already has 406 PIM, and although he doesnt have a chance of breaking Detroit’s record, he will hold onto a PIM leaderboard spot. Ronan Lavelle @Arce, is currently #19 on the active hit list. Averaging 2.4 hits per game, Ronan has plenty of time to move up on the list of active hitters. Ronan has played in 414 games and has 1010 hits registered to his name. Playing on two teams since season 83, Ronan has also spent 444 minutes in the penalty box. Now, Ronan may not pass Cobalt, he will likely move up at a steady pace until he retires. Nezuko @Baozi, finishes the list of the top 20 active bone crushers. I don’t think Nezuko will stay in the top 20 with an average of 2 hits per game, but while Nezuko is on the list, Nezuko gets credit. Nezuko has played on 4 teams since season 82 and has registered 989 hits in 486 games. Nezuko is the most disciplined player on the top 20 active list with 361 PIM. It should be noted that this list is fluid and by tomorrow there may be a different player holding the #20 slot, and eventually there will be more than 20 active players in the top 300 list. Pay attention to Phil Strasmore @Phil who has a career average of 3 hits per game and is currently #2 on season 88 top 10 hitters. In addition, Joey Coaster @FANTEIGE, averages 4.1 hits per game as a rookie. Mo Probert @Yahtzee, is in the top 10 hitters for season 88, and has a career average of 3.2 hits per game. These three players will be rising up the list quickly as they get more games under their belts. Damn, this took a long time to write. Too much work makes one want to stop earning TPE! 2165 words Will claim multiple weeks

Rip, come on. That’s futching embarrassing. How can you even consider yourself a hockey player with 7 shots blocked. Get off your ass and load up some TPE. Scurvy was right, I’d be calling you out on this play. JIMMY HURDSTROM. It’s official. No more rip. Change your name NOW. @ScottyP

1. We have just acquired Alexandre Leduc in a blockbuster trade! Do you have any thoughts on this move? Yeah, I think we win the cup. 2. There are some amazing, funny, and interesting player names in the VHL. Do you have a favorite (that’s not your own)? Napolean dynamite 3. Which player do you think will lead Davos in goals by the end of the season? Pete Mitchell 4. Which EU team would you most like to face in the playoffs? Warsaw 5. Who is your least favorite player on your favorite NHL team? That’s not a fair question. Last night it was Swayman. But it changes. 6. The Maple Leafs finally made it past the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Did you expect them to achieve this feat? Whoever I pick loses, so I must not have picked them 7. What was the last movie or TV show you watched? Beverly Hillbillies 8. What’s your favorite board game?

Graphic Review Looking at the graphic, at first glance, I cant find anything that looks out of place or doesnt complement the entire graphic. And then as I studied the graphic and looked for anything that is not appealing to the eye, I couldn’t come up with anything. Now to get to the reasons why i like this graphic, the color combination is very well done and there is nothing in the graphic that dominates too much. The shades of purple and gray are well done. The shading and blurring seem to be at the right places and the right amount of design. I like the logo and how its placed on the jersey without a hitch. The face is telling that the player is HC Davos and thus he takes his job seriously. The signature is great with its colors, and how it is using the background to make contrast the lettering. As far as the fan in the background, obviously he is not a Davos fan, otherwise he’d be wearing a Davos jersey. Overall this is an excellent graphic and is consistent with your abilities to do graphics. Good job! Score: 10/10

When Alex Armstrong joined Halifax in season 67, did he know at that time he was just the beginning of an epic career? For five seasons Armstrong was a powerful defenseman for four different teams, Mexico City, Yukon, Minnesota, and Halifax. He retired during season 71. Rick Osman, a giant defenseman, played five seasons for Mississauga, Halifax, and Saskatoon, beginning with Mississauga in season 71. Although Osman’s numbers were impressive, he wasn’t quite as successful as Alex Armstrong before retiring after season 75. In season 76, Bryn Yrwy joined Mexico City. The wiry diminutive center was to lead them to a cup, but he was traded to the Halifax and played the next four seasons with the 21st. Yrwy was a disciplined goal scorer and led the team in points until retiring after season 80. In season 81, Juan Ceson was picked up by Halifax and after 20 games he was traded to Mexico City to finish out the season. Ceson started season 82 with Saskatoon and played 24 games with them before being traded to Las Vegas, where he currently remains. The rest is history. What do these four stars have in common? They all belong to @dylanjj37. A major VHL presence who has only played in the minors. 212 words

Listened to that a few weeks ago. Doesnt count!!!