Jericho

Jax Barnstormer Biography
 

 
Name: Jax Barnstormer
Position: Goalie
Age: 23
Handedness: Right
Virginity: Questionable
 
Childhood
 
Jax Barnstormer was born to his parents Brian and Jennifer Barnstormer in Fredericton, New Brunswick Canada. The Barnstormers were very big fans of video games, and originally named their son after an old friend of theirs, who'd tragically died of a PizzaDunx overdose. Jax was originally raised in a gamer household, but never really took to the lifestyle the way his parents did. Jax never really found his identity as a person until he witnessed a few neighbourhood kids playing street hockey out his window one day. He played for hours each day, and eventually convinced his parents to enroll him in minor league hockey. Jax spent his first two years as a forward before filling in as a goaltender when his team's starting netminder was suspended for public urination. Jax vastly outclassed his predecessor during his debut and never played a game out of the net again.
 
High School
 

 
Rather than following in his parents foot steps and going to Video Game High School, Jax made the choice to go to public school in order to continue to play hockey in his free time. Jax attended Leo Hayes High School in Fredericton and spent his grade 9 year as the JV Backup Goalie. Playing only 5 games that season Jax managed to put up a 0.915 save percentage and a 2.1 goals against average, but was unable to put up any shutouts.
 
Jax was made the starter in his grade 10 year, and put up extremely impressive numbers in during the first half of the season, marking a 0.934 SV%, 1.12 GAA and 3 shutout stat-line (13 games played). After that start, Jax was called up to Varsity to play as the backup. Jax didn't end up playing another game that season but admitted he was happy with the decision in the school newspaper because "Practicing with the Varsity team taught me more than stomping the JV circuit ever could have".
 
Jax remained the backup for the first 4 games of the season, until the starter ended up getting RKO'd by an opposing center slipping a coma. Jax started the rest of the season, putting up an admirable 0.922 SV% and 1.99 GAA, but managing only 1 shutout in the following 22 games. In the playoffs, LHHS made it to the semi finals before being single handily dismantled by a Russian import. The Russian managed 4 goals, and 17 shotblocks in the game, completely winning it for his team.
 
In Jax's senior year, he remained the starter. His predecessor had finally awakened from his coma, but had suffered from too much muscle atrophy to compete that season. Jax had a bit of an off-season, managing only a 0.919 SV% and a 2.12 GAA, with no shutouts. Leo Hayes managed to sneak into the playoffs and Jax was able to turn it completely around when the post-season started. Making it all the way to the finals allowing no more than a goal a game, Jax had attracted media attention from the local press. In the finals, Jax managed another shutout, winning the Provincial Finals for his team, in his first televised performance, and shortly after graduated from high school, his future uncertain.
 
College (or the equivalent)
 
Jax had received no scholarship offers from any of the universities in Atlantic Canada, and found himself wondering what he'd do with his future. Jax took a road trip to Quebec with his friends, in order to watch the S35 VHL playoff finals. The newly formed Quebec City Meute were looking to acquire their first Continental Cup as a franchise, and Jax watched the home games live, as well as the away games on TV in his hotel. He was present at the Game 6 finals to see the Meute defeat the Helsinki Titans in a 4-2 series. Shortly after the game, Jax was able to meet with star goaltender, Skylar Rift, a long time idol of Barnstormers.
 
Rift set up a skate with the rest of the Meute the following day. Jax was invited to play as the second goalie in a scrimmage, seeing as QUE G had already left on a vacation. When Jax was suiting up with the team for the skate, he drew a few glances when he put on his highschool jersey. One of the players, a sophomore centre by the name of Wesley Kellinger made note of it.
 
"You're that high school goalie who went on a hot streak in the playoffs right? I saw the finals on TV."
 
After Jax confirmed who he was Kellinger told him he had another surprise after the skate. Wesley had set up a meeting with his agent, Kyle Snow, and former client Daniel Braxton. Jax was floored, Kyle Snow was one of the most successful agents in the world at this time, between Braxton's record setting career and Kellinger's recent cup win. Apparently he was already thinking a few years ahead, towards the end of Kellinger's career. He wanted a goalie, and he'd seen Jax play. The two made arrangements to have Snow represent him once Kellinger retired, and Jax was to spend the next 5 years practicing in secret. Braxton and former teammate Benjamin Glover trained Barnstormer in a highly secure facility below Area 51, away from the public eye. He has only recently resurfaced, the same day Kellinger retired, and declared himself for the S42 VHL Entry Draft.
 
Pros
 
Focus: During his sequester, Barnstormer learned how to shut everything but the game out. Five years without seeing the outside world has taught him the power of absolute focus. Jax has the ability to track the puck at near light speeds, without losing track of its location. Obstacles in his path do not obstruct Barnstormer, so screening is rendered completely ineffective as a tactic against him.
 
Relative Power: It's common knowledge that a player is only as strong as their opposition. Jax has spent the last 5 years taking shots from former VHL legends. Not only this, but he had to compete with a Hall of Fame goaltender as well. Jax has been playing against the absolute pinnacle of talent, and his own skills reflect that.
 
Reaction Time: Jax has spent enough time playing blindfolded that that all of his senses have heightened. When his eyes are open, Jax sees this as playing with training wheels, and sight gives him extra time to react compared to how he trains. He's also known to shut his eyes when playing against weak opponents, in a gesture of hubris.
 
Cons
 
Curse: Jax has been trained by two great players in Braxton and Glover, but history has noted that neither player has ever been able to win a cup. With Barnstormer having no other teacher, he may have missed out on the opportunity to learn how to win a cup from someone who actually knows how to do it. Barnstormer is going to be a statement to the VHL community from Braxton and Glover. If he's unable to capture the cup, they may have to admit to the world that they aren't just unlucky.
 
Hubris: As a result of his intense secluded training, Jax hasn't had any social development in the last five years. Socially he's still 18, and everyone knows that 18 year olds are massive dick heads. Jax has far too much confidence in his abilities, which has cost him victory on more than one occasion. Hopefully his reintegration into the real world will allow him to mature, because he seriously needs to.
 
Potentially Crazy: 5 Years seeing only a handful of people and no time in the sun has driven some people to mental instability. Jax has tested negative for any signs of this, but who knows how close to the edge he really is? The stresses of performing for real could potentially cause him to snap at any moment. Will he be able to bounce back after he acclimatizes to the real world?

Am I eligible to I like dicks this? If so I I like dicks. What the hell is a quadruples week?

You may never have lived up to the glory of your predecessor, but you still hold a special place in my heart.
 
Also, thank fuck I finally won some cups.
 
For real though, Kellinger taught me several lessons I never learned with Braxton. Coming back 100% after being taken away for a time is incredibly difficult. I was without internet for about a month, and completely unable to earn TPE during that time, I found it so difficult to keep motivation up during those "Oh fuck, it's Sunday and I'm not ready" moments like I did with Braxton. I hope the next player is a return to form.
 
Kellinger was a fun time, and definitely a different experience. I felt much more like a lone wolf who could get away with making selfish choices than I did before. He may never make the HoF, but I still enjoyed the time I had with him.

Am I eligible to I like dicks this? If so I I like dicks. What the hell is a quadruples week?

Am I eligible to I like dicks this? If so I I like dicks. What the hell is a quadruples week?

You may never have lived up to the glory of your predecessor, but you still hold a special place in my heart.
 
Also, thank fuck I finally won some cups.
 
For real though, Kellinger taught me several lessons I never learned with Braxton. Coming back 100% after being taken away for a time is incredibly difficult. I was without internet for about a month, and completely unable to earn TPE during that time, I found it so difficult to keep motivation up during those "Oh fuck, it's Sunday and I'm not ready" moments like I did with Braxton. I hope the next player is a return to form.
 
Kellinger was a fun time, and definitely a different experience. I felt much more like a lone wolf who could get away with making selfish choices than I did before. He may never make the HoF, but I still enjoyed the time I had with him.

You may never have lived up to the glory of your predecessor, but you still hold a special place in my heart.
 
Also, thank fuck I finally won some cups.
 
For real though, Kellinger taught me several lessons I never learned with Braxton. Coming back 100% after being taken away for a time is incredibly difficult. I was without internet for about a month, and completely unable to earn TPE during that time, I found it so difficult to keep motivation up during those "Oh fuck, it's Sunday and I'm not ready" moments like I did with Braxton. I hope the next player is a return to form.
 
Kellinger was a fun time, and definitely a different experience. I felt much more like a lone wolf who could get away with making selfish choices than I did before. He may never make the HoF, but I still enjoyed the time I had with him.

You may never have lived up to the glory of your predecessor, but you still hold a special place in my heart.
 
Also, thank fuck I finally won some cups.
 
For real though, Kellinger taught me several lessons I never learned with Braxton. Coming back 100% after being taken away for a time is incredibly difficult. I was without internet for about a month, and completely unable to earn TPE during that time, I found it so difficult to keep motivation up during those "Oh fuck, it's Sunday and I'm not ready" moments like I did with Braxton. I hope the next player is a return to form.
 
Kellinger was a fun time, and definitely a different experience. I felt much more like a lone wolf who could get away with making selfish choices than I did before. He may never make the HoF, but I still enjoyed the time I had with him.

Am I eligible to I like dicks this? If so I I like dicks. What the hell is a quadruples week?

Am I eligible to I like dicks this? If so I I like dicks. What the hell is a quadruples week?

Am I eligible to I like dicks this? If so I I like dicks. What the hell is a quadruples week?

You may never have lived up to the glory of your predecessor, but you still hold a special place in my heart.
 
Also, thank fuck I finally won some cups.
 
For real though, Kellinger taught me several lessons I never learned with Braxton. Coming back 100% after being taken away for a time is incredibly difficult. I was without internet for about a month, and completely unable to earn TPE during that time, I found it so difficult to keep motivation up during those "Oh fuck, it's Sunday and I'm not ready" moments like I did with Braxton. I hope the next player is a return to form.
 
Kellinger was a fun time, and definitely a different experience. I felt much more like a lone wolf who could get away with making selfish choices than I did before. He may never make the HoF, but I still enjoyed the time I had with him.

Something is really wrong with this.

Something is really wrong with this.

Something is really wrong with this.

Jardy this is why you're supposed to practice on the farm animals first.

Ups and Downs
 
Well ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year once more. The offseason is going strong and I have no stats to pull from the current roster of VHL players. So I'm going to do what I'm known for and pull an article completely out of my ass! So without further ado I'm going to take advantage of the HoF tourney and give an Ups and Downs on how some of the league's greatest legends performed when they took to the ice once again. The tournament only lasted for 5 games, so we'll be taking quick looks at many players rather than my usual style of detailed looks at only a few.
 
Up - Tukka Reikkinen
 
Reikkinen was one of the greatest forwards in VHL history, being a member of the Vasteras Curse Busters and the NYA Finals Curse Busters. He did not fail to impress in this tournament either, leading all players in points with an impressive 12 (also leading in goals with 9). In fact Reik was so impressive he had more goals than anyone else had points (next closest was Pavel Koradek with 8 points). Reik was a huge reason the New Kids dominated.
 
Down - Ryan Sullivan
 
Sullivan was a huge force to be reckoned with in the late 20s and early 30s, Matching the Holy Trinity (Walser, Jenskovic and Labatte) by winning three straight Labatte trophies. People expected Sullivan to be a force in this tournament and those people were disappointed.  With only 1 assist in the 5 games his offensive contributions were non-existent. Defensively Sullivan wasn't much more impressive with only 4 hits and 6 shotblocks. He did have one redeeming quality with 4 takeaways (2nd in the tournament).
 
Up - Daniel Braxton
 
Being hailed as the greatest defenseman of the 20s era, Braxton had a lot of pressure to perform in this tournament. Winning 4 Labattes to pass the record held (at the time) by the Holy Trinity, Braxton set a new benchmark which has still not been surpassed to this day (though it has since been matched by Connor Low). Braxton seems to have been able to keep the magic alive since he hung the skates up, picking up 6 points for the 4th most in the torunament (1st for defensemen). He also tied for 2nd most hits with 10, tied for 2nd in shotblocks with 11 and lead the league in Takeaways with 6. His only blemish being a +/- of -5, a stat Braxton always struggled with during his career as well.
 
Down - Phil Gerrard
 
Gerrard is a player many have questioned as a member of the Hall of Fame, many arguing that he should never have been inducted. He really made a case for those arguments in this tournament. Gerrard was really only known for his offensive prowess during his career, notably during his Season 25 Curse Busting Vasteras run. It seems like Gerrard completely forgot how to do that, given that he only received 3 points in this tournament.

It's Cologne. not Seattle.
 
Waived.

It may punish his team short term to lose his new player but we can't give him the opportunity to continue to screw it long term. There are a lot of guys who won't go to Seattle because he's a shit GM. If he's replaced they do lose one player, but they'll be taken seriously again by FAs and such. It hurts them short-term for sure, but long term it's the right move.

It may punish his team short term to lose his new player but we can't give him the opportunity to continue to screw it long term. There are a lot of guys who won't go to Seattle because he's a shit GM. If he's replaced they do lose one player, but they'll be taken seriously again by FAs and such. It hurts them short-term for sure, but long term it's the right move.

I wonder who your next player will be. I hope you choose a good name for him!

I wonder who your next player will be. I hope you choose a good name for him!

Jardy this is why you're supposed to practice on the farm animals first.

Jardy this is why you're supposed to practice on the farm animals first.

You don't have the rights to that term scum!