Doomsday

Rigged

Player Name: Thomas Landry VHL Team: HC Davos Dynamo Cash you have: $10,500,000 Purchase Name: Two Attribute Points Cost of Purchase: $5,000,000 Cash Left: $5,500,000 Player Name: Thomas Landry VHL Team: HC Davos Dynamo Cash you have: $5,500,000 Purchase Name: Triple Award Predictions Cost of Purchase: $4,500,000 Cash Left: $1,000,000

Holy shit, that was probably the most realistic All-Star game ever. Zero defensive effort... and a shitload of fights and goals. Is V2 a lacrosse simulator?!

So uh, when's the All-Star game?

You're gonna kick some serious ass this year broseph.

My first All-Star selection and I have the honor of starting. Very excited about this! :-D Congrats to all selected, particularly my teammates. Good job guys!

Remy LeBeau Voodoo Dolls Now 50% Off DAVOS - The Lion King taught us many things: uncles are complete bitchasses, shadowy places are no good, Elton John totally rules and the Circle of Life is legit. Yet another example occurred recently in the ever-trendy business of voodoo dolls. Several years ago in Season 36, voodoo dolls enjoyed a massive surge in popularity after their introduction in the Continental Cup Finals led to a stunning comeback from the HC Davos Dynamo, who won the cup after being down 3-1 in the series. The historic comeback is attributed by some to voodoo dolls like the one seen above, which began to flood arenas with Davos against the wall and legendary goalie Remy LeBeau (who may have been one and the same). The dolls would enjoy a resurgence during the next two Continental Cup Finals as the Toronto Legion and HC Davos Dynamo met for three straight years. Neither series was as close as the first one and the dolls did not reach the same level of popularity. But after the HC Davos Dynamo hoisted the cup again in Season 38, Remy LeBeau announced his retirement. The dolls that had seemingly cursed LeBeau and the Legion had now been effectively ended by the very man they sought to destroy. But, as crafty businesspeople are known to do, they have slashed their prices in order to sell off their remaining stock. YOU could be the proud owner of an authentic piece of VHL history for 50% off of the original price! Remy LeBeau has not commented on whether or not the dolls still affect him, so for goodness' sake, let's not continue to stab the dolls in the testicular sack region. It was one thing to deny him a cup, but it's another thing entirely to keep him from having children.

I love this so much.

Bad News For Doomsday Agency NEW YORK - As HC Davos Dynamo captain and right wing Thomas Landry continues to celebrate another Continental Cup win, his agent's focus has suddenly been shifted away from the happy occasion. While one of the Doomsday Agency's clients is at the pinnacle of their careers, another has hit rock bottom. Jack Kowalski, who was a superstar linebacker at Texas and became a first round pick of the Oakland Raiders has learned that he has been banned by the National Football League for life. "Kowalski's actions have no place in the National Football League," announced NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at a press conference yesterday. "For the betterment of the league and for the continued safety and welfare of our players, I have no other option other than to ban Jack Kowalski from the NFL for life." The Rog doesn't find many things amusing. These actions stem, of course from an incident last season in which the Raiders were playing an AFC West rival, the Kansas City Chiefs. During the game, many vicious and illegal blocks were used by the Chiefs, which went unpunished by the refs at Arrowhead Stadium. Eventually, one of these blocks resulted in an injury to a teammate, in which the officials penalized the injured player for faking an injury. Enraged, Kowalski attacked both the Chiefs player and the official before being removed from the stadium under a heavy security escort. "It wasn't the right thing to do," said Kowalski after the ban was handed down. "But now I'll be haunted by this the rest of my life. Sure, I shouldn't have attacked either of them. That's a given. But if those goddamned officials had been doing their jobs and calling a clean game, then this entire thing would have never happened. That should be the real issue. If I'm a huge threat to player safety, then what are these officials who don't enforce rules designed to maximize safety?" Total hunks, apparently. While Kowalski's football career is undoubtedly over, he has not been dropped by the Doomsday Agency. In fact, that is far from their intentions, as they actually seek to "re-brand" the young player. "Why should we drop him?" said Doomsday Agency representative John Gordon. "Jack is a talented young man who just needs to find a sport that's right for him. So the NFL doesn't tolerate an occasional fight that stemmed from flared tempers. However, I know a sport that does tolerate and promote this: hockey! The Victory Hockey League has seen several players come from bizarre backgrounds and excel. Hell, Edwin Encarnacion never played hockey in his life and he became a first round prospect within a year of learning to skate. We have two years before Jack can officially become eligible to play under our representation, so I think that's more than enough time to mold him into a coveted VHL prospect." Encarnacion proved to be an exceptional hockeyballer. While Kowalski's only real assets as a hockey player are his fighting ability, physical abilities and willingness to learn the game, the Doomsday Agency has two full years to get him ready for the VHLM. From there, assuming a team is willing to take a chance on a player with such a negative reputation, he will have to prove himself yet again in order to make it to the Victory Hockey League. If one thing is for certain, any dissenters or naysayers won't be foolish enough to doubt Kowalski in his presence. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, which will beat your ass for trying to change it. He enjoys gambling on celebrity boxing events, using the hit stick on Michael Vick and inventing new and creative ways to humiliate interns.

He puts one of yours in the hospital, you put one of his in the morgue.

Honestly, that's some pretty weak shit right there. If you don't like the guy, don't be a bitch about it.

Tales of the Continental Cup DAVOS - For the second time in a span of three years, the HC Davos Dynamo have returned home with the most coveted prize in the Victory Hockey League: the Continental Cup. With their victory in the rubber match over the Toronto Legion, Davos has been preparing all night for the triumphant return of their boys, ready to begin the celebration all over again. But, with a Continental Cup victory comes yet another storied tradition of the VHL: spending the day with the cup itself. We here at the MSFL Times (the name isn't changing, deal with it) have learned about the travels of the Continental Cup with the Season 38 HC Davos Dynamo and we are only more than happy to share some of these stories with you: Shane Baker The hero of Game Six, Baker's game, series and cup-winning goal officially kicked off the celebrations in Davos. Naturally, the team felt that Baker should have his turn with the Continental Cup first. However, his turn with the cup did not last long. After a relatively quiet night, authorities were summoned to an engraving store just outside of Davos, where they found Baker trying to have the names of several SHL players engraved on it. Thus ended his time with the cup, and in all intents and purposes this is likely the last we'll see of the retired defenseman. Davey Jones Formerly with the Cologne Express, this cog of the Davos war machine did not forget his roots. After spending time with hometown fans, the Continental Cup went on a tour of Cologne, somehow seeming to travel past members of the Express. Naturally, the cup also somehow made it to Riga to make a drive-by past Kameron Taylor as he was moved into a retirement home, which put a stop to the day's activities there. Miraculously, both Jones and the Continental Cup returned to Davos in one piece. Victor Alfredsson Although Alfredsson stepped aside as general manager of the Dynamo, he remained an integral part of the team's staff throughout the season. Combined with his role as the architect of the current team, everyone felt that Alfredsson should have his day with the Continental Cup as well. Basking in the cup's glory, Alfredsson used his day with it to get his memoirs done. With the perfect muse in his office, he was able to get a significant amount of his writings done. In the last hour with the cup, Alfredsson asked the Continental Cup to proofread his work. Reportedly, the cup determined he had made six errors. Thomas Landry The captain of the team, Landry was Alfredsson's first big addition to Davos when he took over in Season 35. The two-time Grimm Jonsson winner has become an integral piece to Davos' run and some have even gone as far to call him the heart and soul of the team. When it came time for the captain's turn, it also became Davos' turn with the cup. Landry allowed the Dynamo's loyal fans to come spend time with himself and the cup at the Zurich Center, choosing to use his time with the ultimate prize in the VHL to create the opportunity of a lifetime for many hockey fans. Reports state that Landry and the cup arrived hours early in order for it to be properly polished and cleaned. Additionally, the cleaning of the cup was also repeated before it was to go to Felix Zamora. Felix Zamora Landry should perhaps have not wasted his time on cleaning the cup a second time, for Zamora had other plans for the Continental Cup. With the season now over and Zamora becoming a champion for the first time, he planned to celebrate in a big way. That big way ended up being to use his day with the cup to make all sorts of different meat products, using the cup as storage for said meats. It is unknown how many pounds of sausage the Continental Cup was stuffed with, but it is confirmed that Zamora took no steps to disinfect or otherwise clean it before passing it off to Nikita Lebedev, who has since been hospitalized due to reasons we're sure you can guess. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, specializing in appropriately timed comebacks. He enjoys petting wild bears, sparring with Goku and getting those last digs in on an old rival.

This should finally be the year I get the All-Star vote.

The Cup?

Do you like movies about gladiators? Is "The Land Before Time" the consensus favorite film of SHL members? Odds of Davos repeating? On a scale of 1 to 10, how much of a douche is Mike Wilbon? What team will come out of nowhere to make the playoffs next year? How ewwcited awe yowe fow mawwiawwge?

Landry A Champion Again TORONTO - As a minor leaguer in the VHLM, Thomas Landry was a part of the Founders' Cup champion both seasons that he played. Now, he never expected to have a perfect ratio of winning the Continental Cup either once he became a pro, but he has done something he didn't think would happen: become a two-time Continental Cup champion. "I knew I was lucky to win one Continental Cup, but a second? I never could've imagined that," said an exhilarated Landry following the HC Davos Dynamo's victory over the Toronto Legion in Game Six of the Continental Cup Finals. "The boys couldn't have done a better job against such a great team like the Legion, especially against a legendary goalie such as Remy LeBeau." The celebrations continue in Davos tonight, as the HC Dynamo bring home their second cup in three years. The prospect of the first repeat champions remains, but with the losses expected to be suffered, can the HC Dynamo keep enough of their team intact to make a run?

Way to go boys!! A tough game against a valiant opponent, but it was our time to raise the cup in front of our fans! No need to hang your heads, Toronto. You had a great season and you have every reason to be proud! Onwards, Davos!!

It ain't easy being this rad.

Get called out Be oblivious to it Get a chuckle out of it days later I love being me.

The power of voodoo.

Just sent in $20 for S38. I'll go with the extra doubles week.

Best of three, go!

You don't remember when we put six past him during our S36 run?

Who are you again?