Doomsday

I'm glad you asked, it's one of the more amusing stories in the Bible to me. Well, for reasons irrelevant to the story, the temple Jesus went to had been turned into a market of some sort. All sorts of peddlers, vendors and whatnot inside the temple. You're probably starting to remember it already. Well, Jesus walks in and sees this and boy is he mad. How dare they turn this holy place of worship into a den of peddlers! Nobody really seems to care, so Jesus knows that it is time to get turnt up. He gets pretty steamed, starts flipping over tables and whatnot to make his point clear that these charlatans need to leave. Well, some of those jokers still aren't getting the point, so he gets ahold of a whip (being the temple has become a market) and starts chasing dudes the hell out. Apparently Jesus was one hell of a bouncer in his day.

Congratulations to Smalling and Rafter and thank you for everything you both have done for Davos. We could never have achieved what we have without the trail you and Satan blazed for us.

Great! Did you know that when people ask you what would Jesus do, flipping over tables and chasing people with a whip is a possible outcome?

Excuse me sir, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

Hoping for the same, my man. I think we've got a good shot.

Fixed

Situation Tense As Salo Invades Oslo's Locker Room OSLO - Tensions throughout the VHLM remain critical as a continuing situation is unfolding in Norway. The locker room of the Oslo Storm has been invaded by Kimmo Salo and other members of the Bratislava Watchmen, who have demanded the surrender of the facility. However, Oslo's general manager, Thomas Landry, has refused to surrender the locker room and has re-enforced the team's facilities. Thomas Corcoran, the commissioner of the VHLM, has issued an ultimatum of 5:00 AM for the Watchmen to vacate Oslo's locker room, but it appears to have been widely ignored. Residents in Oslo have been boarding their homes and bracing for what could be a very violent clash. The Watchmen are fueled by their recent successes, but under new management that seeks to make a name for itself, could be looking to pick on a fellow European Conference team for more ground. However, Oslo isn't going to make it easy for them. "It's our locker room, I don't understand why they're here," said Thomas Landry in a conference call. "No games are scheduled, I don't understand it. Kimmo is always welcome here, but I don't know why the whole rest of the team is. Wait, are those helicopters outside? Why are there helicopters outside?! This isn't that big of a deal!" Landry's complete and utter outrage is shared by Thomas Corcoran, the commissioner of the VHLM. "I'm not exactly sure what the Watchmen are doing," said Corcoran. "It's the off-season, shouldn't these guys be at home with their families and friends instead of having some sort of all-night kegger in another team's locker room? Either way, they better be out of there before 5 AM, as the facility is scheduled to undergo routine off-season fumigation." With Corcoran's bold, stern and unwavering stance on preventing a massacre, all eyes shift towards the cold, desolate plains of Norway. The clock continues to tick towards the deadline of 5 AM, yet there is no movement at all. Oslo's players remain at their posts, firmly gripping their sticks and waiting, just waiting for whatever may happen. Yet, the decision of what will happen remains out of their hands. That distinction goes to Kimmo Salo and the Bratislava Watchmen, who continue to demand the surrender of Oslo's locker room. "Jesus, guys," belted Salo. "Our locker room is being renovated and we need a place to crash! We promise that we won't bring hookers... we contracted them to fix up the locker room. No promises about alcohol, though. Come on! You guys can hang out too!" Salo's unwavering demands only add to the critical nature of the issue. 5 AM continues to draw nearer and nearer, with absolutely no hope of a peaceful resolution currently in sight. The VHLM may be on the eve of the worst catastrophe in the history of the league, or perhaps by some miracle a hero will rise. But until then, all the hockey world can do is hold their breath and hope for the best. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, who report on some super serious stuff. He enjoys slapping people who sit on the guns at Gettysburg, removing kebabs and laughing at someone different.

There is ALWAYS something to write about. Shit, I've written articles for leagues before with the following topics: A player was arrested for drunken misconduct at a Nickelback concert A player was accidentally locked in a box and shipped away on a cargo ship A player went to Blockbuster with a reporter recommending movies to him A player suffering from constipation A player being imprisoned inside an opposing team's locker room for a month A player being denied entry to a flight by a fan of the opposing team I think I've made my point clear. Use your imagination and you will find a topic.

Pumped to have you back for the long haul! I signed a five-year deal when I came to Davos and I'm thrilled to see someone else do it as well.

Earning His Stripes DAVOS - Throughout his career, Thomas Landry has heard plenty of negative words used to describe him. Underachiever, outspoken and unworthy are just a few of the choice words critics have had towards Davos' captain. Now, however, there is a new word that even Landry's harshest critics cannot deny: champion. After the Dynamo's miraculously three-game winning streak, led by Landry's seven points (four goals, three assists), Davos climbed out of a three-game deficit and won the Continental Cup. "All of the negative words about how much was traded to New York to acquire me," started Landry. "All of the nonsense about how much Davos overpaid for me, all of the talk about how I'm overrated, an underachiever. But now... gone. Done. After the series that we had, I will never have to hear about that ever again. It's such a huge weight off my shoulders and now I can finally go out there and enjoy the game without needing to worry about what anyone says again." As Landry heads into the prime of his career, the HC Davos Dynamo seem poised to once again challenge for the Continental Cup. Will their captain be able to lead them to a repeat? Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Stories, purveyors of stories so heartwarming that your balls will shrivel up. He enjoys curling, slapping naysayers with frozen fish and laughing at Joey Kendrick's expense.

Ability to claim moral high ground hereby waived.

There are two types of people in this world: people that enjoy playing with Legos and fucking liars.

Other than, you know, establishing America, preserving the Union and defeating the Axis. Other than that, nothin'.

The league's in a bit of limbo for a draftee right now. S36 just ended, so we're in the off-season and getting ready for S37. You joined at a great time, as you've guaranteed you will get a full season in the VHLM to develop before your career clock technically even begins. There will be a prospect game, and I'd also suggest getting to know some VHLM GMs and other members in the meantime.

Then bump pre-season back. Conducting the draft early when people can't attend is idiotic.

So you wouldn't be opposed to a draft where 1/2 of the GMs are present where they can't make it, just so it can be early enough for you?

I thought it was a movement for free Playstations.

Why are you such a salty sea dog?

No worries, Ryan Sullivan was always a germaphobe, so the cup has been bleached and sterilized plenty.

I can't hear you over how much fun we are having with the Continental Cup.

To this day I am proud to be an alum of Bratislava and it's great to see that the Watchmen will remain in great hands. Best of luck to both of you in your respective roles!

Didn't stop Jordan, did it?

The league? You're not even the best team in your conference, let alone the league.

This has to be the most adorable rivalry in recent memory.