Doomsday

Here are some amusing stats for my first year in the VHLM in Season 32: 29 games played, 1 goal, 5 assists, +10 Hilariously enough, I was also a waiver claim by Oslo.

Game 3: Meute @ Bears Game 3: Titans @ Express Game 4: Titans @ Express Game 5: I predict that there will not be a Game 5 in this series.

Landry Left In Penalty Box DAVOS - Only 46 seconds into the Dynamo's final game of the regular season, Davos right wing/captain Thomas Landry was ejected from the game for a spearing call. Although the Dynamo would go on to win the game against the Helsinki Titans, the team was none too pleased with their captain. Upon returning home to the Zurich Center, Landry was taken to the penalty box and locked inside it until he admitted it was a stupid thing to do. Unfortunately, he still is incredibly amped about the incident. "It was awesome!" yelled Landry from the penalty box. "I went airborne like Superman and the poor dude just goes WHAM onto the ice. Totally made SportsCenter last night!" At the very least, it seems like Landry will be well-rested when the time comes to play the Express/Titans when the time comes. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, who are most definitely not afraid to fight snakes. He enjoys celebrating Hump Day, finding reasons for waiting and not fighting snakes.

Cloning Experiment Goes Horribly Wrong DAVOS - Although the hometown HC Davos Dynamo have clinched the European Conference's top seed and a bye week, apparently not all is well in Switzerland. Local hotels are scrambling to get everything in tip-top shape (including shirtless photos of Victor Alfredsson in every room), roads are being patched up and plowed in the aftermath of yet another snow storm and an army of identical elderly white folks are on the loose. Wait, what? In a bizarre series of events that only seems to confirm that previous reports of experiments in human cloning were true, thousands of Davos residents have reported seeing groups of mysterious people that were identical in appearance. Some even took to cyberspace, posting photos on websites that showed four identical men eating at a table in a public park. Quick to avoid the negative press, the Davos Laboratory of Devious and Evil Experiments held a press conference earlier this afternoon. "Reports of a cloning experiment involving Ser Davos Seaworth are completely and gregariously false," exclaimed Rufus Walton, a representative of the DLoDEE. "Just because we are the Davos Laboratory of Devious and Evil Experiments does not mean we exclusively deal with... well... devious and evil experiments. We have also worked on extending the lifespan of puppies and improving the quality of vaginal scents. We're people!" Despite the fact that Ser Davos Seaworth is a fictional character from a fictional world, he has certainly gotten around in Davos within the last few days. 549 new bank accounts opened under the name have opened in the last 24 hours, 872 new rewards programs were made and 12 loans were taken out. On top of all the previous problems, hundreds of thousands of onions have flooded the markets of Davos, rendering them essentially worthless on the open market. "I have no idea where these guys came from," said an official known only as Commissioner Gordon. "It's starting to become a very big problem and this absolutely must be addressed before Cologne or Helsinki stops by for the European Conference Finals. We can't have several dozen Ser Davos Seaworths trying to scalp tickets or sell onions outside of the Zurich Center during the series. We just can't!" Fortunately for the Dynamo, their hometown has over a week now to deal with the rampant problem. However, the players seem to have wholeheartedly embraced the Seaworths, as multiple players have been spotted walking around the team facility or even practicing wearing Seaworth masks. "When it comes down to it, it makes for great fun," said Odin Tordahl. "It's something that makes for a good laugh, brings the team closer, all that good stuff. When you're in the playoffs, you can't be too tense: you've got to stay loose. As silly as it sounds, the Ser Davos Seaworth shenanigans are doing just that for us." While the Titans and Express beat each other up over the next week, the Dynamo will spend the next week preparing for their next series. It remains to be seen whether or not they will take the ice as Ser Davos Seaworth, but that won't stop us from assuming that's exactly what they will do. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, the leader in assorted silliness. He enjoys penetration, punching elderly people over a can of soup and making music with his penis.

Even if the team wants to tank, just claim a player and trade them. Then again, tanking really shouldn't be encouraged/rewarded at all.

This hurts my eyes.

Take a look at the Jets' roster, then their record. The team believes in Rex and they fight 110% for that guy. To me, his greatest gift is getting the most out of what he has, which unfortunately means .500 seasons with a roster that should be getting 4 or 6 wins. Until the GM helps him out, the Jets won't be going anywhere regardless.

Major / Game Misconduct Penalty to Thomas Landry for Spearing. Thomas Landry is ejected from game.

What surprises me the most is that San Diego is third in wins on this list.

Hire this man!

Nah, I want to get FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY for this one, brood on it for years and garner sympathy over it, then release a shitty album and win every Grammy ever because I'm "owed" it.

Enter thread three pages late Realize you're apparently arrogant ??? Record 10 more hits

Nice shorthanded goal Boomy! Keep it up boys, finish strong!

Content: 3/3 - This can't happen fast enough in my opinion. I do hope that you can come up with a good mascot for the team, though. The Stalingrad Siege? The Moscow Comrades? Shame the Bears are taken, that would fit a Russian team like a glove. Grammar: 2/2 - One silly mistake: his sill Vasteras = his silly Vasteras Appearance: 1/1 - YA COMRADE! Overall: 6/6 - Sochi Sentinels?

Content: 3/3 - Best of luck in your playoff push! We're all just competing to get slaughtered by Bratislava anyway. Grammar: 2/2 - rightwing/leftwing = right wing/left wing Appearance: 1/1 - Caps? Blech! Overall: 6/6 -

Content: 3/3 - My guess would be that Toronto would want to grab you later on (which I don't see as being likely due to your stock) or they want Salo instead since they would get an extra season without him being on their roster and against their cap. Either way, you're not going out of the first round, so there's that. Grammar: 2/2 - Flawless, well done! Appearance: 1/1 - Yep. Overall: 6/6 - Do you feel lucky?

Content: 3/3 - I had a feeling once Calgary would be covered in this, it would be hysterical. I was not disappointed one bit. Keep up the good work! Grammar: 2/2 - You know, I'm sure you made a couple mistakes, but you had to try to find a reason why Calgary doesn't suck. I can't do anything worse to you than you already went through making this article. Appearance: 1/1 - Always good for some amusing pictures. Overall: 6/6 -

Content: 3/3 - Joseph Gilman, there's a name I haven't heard in a while. It's awesome to more or less go back in time to the league's beginnings each week. Are you the History Channel? Grammar: 2/2 - For how many words there are, not too bad. and the each team playing = and each team playing 'prediction'. = 'prediction.' travelled = traveled a clean sweet = a clean sweep right? well you = right? Well you Appearance: 1/1 - Wish the pictures showing the distances traveled would have been bigger, but probably not your fault there. Overall: 6/6 - YUP.

Content: 3/3 - Bratislava might have one of the all-time greatest teams in the history of the VHLM, so the odds are certainly stacked against you. Good luck! Grammar: 2/2 - Not too bad: when it comes to playoffs = when it comes to the playoffs Royals locker room moral = Royals' locker room morale the Royals morning skate = the Royals' morning skate Appearance: 1/1 - Yessir! Overall: 6/6 - GREAT!

Content: 3/3 - The crazy part is that Cologne might make the playoffs over Vasteras despite starting a rebuild. That's beyond insane, especially considering Vasteras was in front pretty much all year for the last spot. Grammar: 2/2 - Well done here, no complaints. Appearance: 1/1 - I'm not sure why you bolded "to" and "for" in the trade overviews and it could've used another picture, but overall it met the requirements here. Overall: 6/6 -

Content: 3/3 - Break the glass on the next one, ok? That'd be pretty rad, I tell you what. Grammar: 2/2 - Not a thing, good job. Appearance: 1/1 - Oh yes. Overall: 6/6 - YUP.