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Russias Greatest Goalie Prospect In History

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     I'd hope after my article last week, we'd all be familiar with The Red Menace, Russia's best prospect in history. If some of you don't know yet, well you're about to learn about this Stud. The Red Menace is the motherlands greatest treasure, born in Moscow this young man has a future ahead of him in the league. But saying he's the greatest goalie prospect in history is a stretch isn't it? Well I'll go over my reasoning for my greatly exaggerated claims in a few paragraphs and try to convince you, the reader, that Menace is a menace on the ice, and red to the bone. So I have three reasons why The Red Menace is the greatest prospect to ever be born in the great United Soviet States of Russia. Reason number one, the kid has literally bioengineered eyes that grant him the ability to see particles of light moving as slow as a snail, this man literally see's so fast that everything looks slow motion. But more on that in just a bit, my second reason is his lightning fast glove hand that is known to break the sound barrier when he catches a slapshot. And my final reason is that he's a communist cyborg cooked up by the Soviet Union in 1991 by scientists brought in to complete the most important task in the history of the world, to bring championships in hockey to the country of Russia. 


     So we're going to take a look at his bioengineered eyes that are able to see faster than the speed of light. The methods used to achieve this feat are unknown to us in their entirety and we only know the gist of it. Essentially all we know is that a bio-engineer names Gorbachev implanted a chip behind the eyes of The Red Menace, who's eyes were already able to see at near superhuman speeds as is. All they did was boost his inherent genetic abnormality to the point where it was almost anomalous in nature. In fact the SCP foundation had once attempted to contain The Red Menace only to find out that not even the most secure prison could hold him. Menace told an interviewer that his eyes were also capable of heat vison though it doesn't help him with hockey so he hardly ever uses them for anything at all, rather he likes his other ability his eyes have, which is to tell if someone is lying or not. Helps him a lot in contract negotiations. Yes this young man has no weakness and will stop every puck thrown at him. 


     The second ability this Communist Cyborg has is to move his hands at supersonic speeds, though he hardly ever moved above subsonic to ensure that the glass all around him doesn't break. Though he's been known to get ahead of himself on when he makes a big save on a breakaway he's known to accidentally shatter all the glass in the arena with just the sheer force his hands make when grabbing the puck out of the air. The way he's able to achieve this was purely from eating only one walnut a day and drinking the dew from honeysuckles and taking nutrients into his body directly from the universe. Doing so allowed him to enter a state of being only ever dreamed of by the greatest monks to ever live in this plane of existence, one of total zen and oneness with the universe itself. This exercise allowed him to unlock the rest of his brain capacity making him not only the strongest man in existence but also the smartest with an iq of over seven billion, and yes he does enjoy Rick and Morty. 


     My third reason is that this man truly lives to bring glory to the motherland and his people, in that sense he enjoys defending mother Russia on his days off of practice. He's been known to singlehandedly fight off entire militaries across the globe to assert the dominance of the Russian Federation. One time he was brought in late into the game of the Winter Olympics to win the game for Russia as a last resort. When the Canadian forwards shot pucks at him he deflected them away with such force that the pucks would fly all the way down the ice into the opposing net and score the goals. Russia was down 5-2 before The Red Menace was brought into the game, and the final score was Canada 5, Russia 17. And the Russians won the gold medal that year. His determination to win for his home is trumped by literally no one, and I mean that. No one wants to win more than the kid goalie, who I believe to be the greatest goal keeper to ever grace the world. The Red Menace does not have any weakness, and will exploit all of yours, he will find your deepest insecurity and play in a way that reminds you of it.


     As you can see my "exaggerated" claims that this man is the greatest goalie prospect that the world has ever seen is far from myth and is in fact a reality that we all must live with. Hockey is his game, and we're all just watching him play. Now I hope you all enjoyed this article, I've always loved the role playing aspect of the league the most as I can just write down some crazy story and people will eat it up and give me positive attention for once. On a more somber note, I'd like to thank everyone for sticking by me for these articles and who have been there since my first day in the league. Y'all make articles like this possible and make me feel more motivated to squeeze these out at the end of the week after a long week of working and just general adult life stuff, so thanks. Also I think I hear my dad coming home from the bar, I need to go get my helmet and jockstrap. Smell ya later, stay warm and stay icey, Seacrest out.



Word Count 1,020 words.

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