The two hockey friends

[NineIQ v2 30]

The two hockey friends

 

This is Carlos and Jaros, they are both really big hockey fans but don’t live in a city with a NHL team or any other big league teams. Most of their time is spent on their outdoor rink practicing hockey. Eventually Carlos's parents show up one day and ask them, I just got off the phone with Jaros’s mom and apparently they found a local hockey team you guys could play in. They both looked at eachother and at the same time said yes. They started practicing passing, shooting and skating very fast, they wanted to be the best one’s there. After a week or so the tryouts were due, so they arrived at the rink and saw kids warming up. Carlos and Jaros got ready quickly and stepped on the ice, Jaros quickly mentioned that it’s a lot nicer than the one at Carlos’s place. After five minutes they head to the bench of the team they were assigned, they were both lucky on the same team. The coach said, who wants to start, Carlos and Jaros raised their hands in excitement and got to start the game. Carlos got put on left wing and Jaros on right wing, Carlos was left handed and Jaros right handed, so they were set up well for one-timers.

 

The game:

 

The puck dropped and the other team won the draw, quickly heading to their positions that they saw online and they got the puck right back. Carlos was going down the ice with the puck and saw Jaros in a good spot. Carlos quickly sent it to the defense yelling, and put it to the net. The defenseman obeyed and sent it to the goalies pads, it ended up on Jaros’s stick so he shot the puck. The goalie was already there to make the stop and easily caught it with his glove puting Carlos and Jaros off the ice. The defenseman gets the attention of Carlos saying: nice call, I would not have thought of that. After a bit of wait Carlos and Jaros were put back on the ice, this time with more confidence but now they were in the defensive zone. They win the draw and it gets sent to Jaros along the boards. Jaros flips the puck up and it ends up in front of Carlos. Carlos approaching the net suddenly stops and cuts into the center of the ice and approaches the net. He gets to the hash marks and takes a shot, the puck ends up heading towards the middle left of the net then all of a sudden Jaros gets his stick on it and redirects it. The redirection ends up making it five hole on the goalie and Jaros scores. First period ends and they go back to the lockers and Carlos finds that his leg hurts a little too much. Carlos calls in a medic and they go to do x-rays. The medic finds that Carlos has broken his left leg and must take the rest of the tryouts off. After hearing the news Jaros just had to hope Carlos did well enough in that first 10 minutes to be on the team. 

 

Second period without Carlos

 

They come out of the tunnel doing one lap around the ice before getting ready for the period opening faceoff. Jaros finally gets on the ice seeing Carlos cheering him on in the crowd with a broken leg he manages to pick up the puck. Jaros gets a burst of confidence and starts accelerating. They quickly find out he was going 35mph and he makes it to the other end quickly, Jaros puts the puck and his stick through his legs and shoots… He scores, top shelf and everyone is surprised, the scouts watching can not believe what just happened, nor can Carlos. The rest of the game goes smoothly and the scouts come in to tell Jaros that he is definitely on the team. Jaros asks about his friend Carlos and the scouts say they don’t know yet. When Jaros gets home with Carlos, Carlos’s mom is surprised to find Carlos injured and says what happened. Carlos and Jaros explain that he broke his leg during the tryouts and Jaros finishes by mentioning that he is not sure that Carlos will make the team. From that point on Carlos and Jaros are still waiting for the results of the tryouts to see if Carlos made it. 

 

Note: Part 2 is coming at least I hope only if people like this one tho.

[Greg_Di 933]

Review:

Great article and a good word count. Interesting to read about Carlos and Jaros start in hockey and the tryout. Some suggestions would be to add a picture to the article and maybe a smaller sized font and not bolded. Would make things easier to read. Overall it's still a great article just needs some work on presentation. 8/10

[Telkster 550]

Review: 

 

   This is a nicely written article about 2 friends who find some excitement and success together. Like greg just said, don’t bold the paragraphs and consider a smaller size. Some colour would be a nice addition to this article. Big fan of the writing. I’m sure next time you clean it up a bit more visually! 7.5/10

[JB123 722]

Review: Overall well done. I like how you broke it up into sections with headings. Very creative narrative. The only suggestions I have are formatting ones; like Greg and Telkster have said maybe only bold the titles and reduce the size of the text. And then add some images to match the headings? 8.5/10

[NineIQ v2 30]

11 hours ago, Telkster said:

Review: 

 

   This is a nicely written article about 2 friends who find some excitement and success together. Like greg just said, don’t bold the paragraphs and consider a smaller size. Some colour would be a nice addition to this article. Big fan of the writing. I’m sure next time you clean it up a bit more visually! 7.5/10

Thanks I will try your suggestion in part two