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The Accursed Scouting Report Of The Board Game Clue On Skates


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The following document was intercepted from an unknown VHLM team’s Scouting Department




Name: The Board Game Clue On Skates

Age: 50

Position: Center

Height: 5’5”

Weight: 140 lbs

Handedness: None




Stamina? – Before I begin this scouting report I want to address the situation at hand regarding the task you’ve given me. I mean, come on. I’ve been in this line of work for 15 seasons, I spent 20 years before that preparing myself with all the tools I required to do the job as well as I have done and you’ve just asked me to spend the last four hours watching a board game slump around an ice rink. A fucking board game! Are you outside of your mind right now? I would have had better luck finding better prospects in kindergarten and that’s not even fucking hyperbole goddammit! And you have the gall to at least find three positives in its performance?! You absolute turnip! Anyway, I best not waste any more writing time on this misuse of cardboard. It didn’t tire, ok? Is that what you want?! It was as good at the start of the practice session as it was at the end of it, because it doesn’t have any lungs, because it doesn’t need any lungs, because it’s a freaking board game!


Work Ethic – I’ve put this down as a positive but I swear down if you dare use this as a reason to draft it I will have to report you to, I don’t know, somebody who will usurp you from your role because I would not and could not believe someone could do something so categorically against all common logic. It has recorded 133 hours of practice. And I know that’s high! Yes it’s high about top twenty in the draft but HAVE YOU PERHAPS CONSIDERED IT HAS ALL THESE TRAINING HOURS BECAUSE IT CAN’T GET OUT OF THE RINK AND BECAUSE IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY THOUGHTS OR EMOTIONS TO TRIGGER IT TO CONSIDER LEAVING THE RINK? I’m sorry for the caps lock but I absolutely cannot have you drafting this object of the back of this scouting report at any cost.


It's Not Going To Cause Problems In The Locker Room – Because it has no heart, it has no conscience and it has no soul.




CANNOT PLAY HOCKEY – Well, if this wasn’t obvious already allow me to explain. It doesn’t hit well because it can’t move, it doesn’t score well because it can’t shoot, it can’t find an open teammate because that is just not a concept to it, it’s not going to get back and defend and if it gets in the way of a shot, that’s just by sheer chance and not the result of any actual decision making ability. I can’t even understand WHY it’s a center, the one skating position that asks for a specific skill in face-offs, in which it might surprise you to know it has none.


Is Also A Liar – I don’t understand what world-bending drugs the league administrators were on when they measured it at 5 feet and 5 inches tall. Yes, it’s taller than a regular game of Clue because it’s on skates, but if you see a 5 feet 5 inch 140 lbs game of Clue, you run! And nobody is running from this, it’s got to be only, what a foot and a half at best?


It’s Existence Hurts Me – There it is, that’s the con. It is causing me extreme physical and mental pain.   

Edited by MubbleFubbles
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11 hours ago, MubbleFubbles said:

if it gets in the way of a shot, that’s just by sheer chance and not the result of any actual decision making ability.

So what you are saying is that it's defensive instincts are so well honed. It even manages to accidentally block shots? Sounds like an Elite 200 foot player to me. Let's compare it to Bergeron in the draft show and pick it 1st overall! #TankforClue

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