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Claimed:VHL Royal Rumble 2015 [Final: 6/6]


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With the 2015 WWE Royal Rumble starting in less than 24 hours, the VHL decided to hold their own charity Royal Rumble, with all the proceeds from ticket and merchandise sales going to help the families of those who have been subjected to watching Edwin Encarnacion over the past seven seasons. For those of you who are unaware of how the Royal Rumble works, here’s a quick breakdown of one of the most unique matches in wrestling:

-          Prior to the start of the match, all 30 participants in the match draw a random number between 1 and 30.

-          The match starts with the participants who drew numbers one and two.

-          Every 90 seconds, a new participant enters the match according to the number that they drew. For example, after the match has been going for 90 seconds, the participant who drew number three enters the match. Then after another 90 seconds, the participant who drew number four enters the match, etc.

-          Participants are eliminated when they are thrown over the top rope and both feet land on the floor.

-          The winner is the sole participant to not be eliminated from the match.


Veteran enforcer Da'Brickashaw O'Neal was a surprise entrant in the Rumble

The VHL managed to gather 30 of their most physical superstars to participate in the match with a few surprises mixed in, something which was evident from the start after the first participant to enter the match was the now 50 year old Da’Brickashaw O’Neal, a player who many consider to be the dirtiest player of all time. Starting the match off with New York Americans goalie Brick Wahl, O’Neal didn’t end up lasting long at all as he was eliminated in under two minutes by the third entrant into the match, SHL star Steven Jalopski who was another surprise entrant into the Royal Rumble. Fans would end up surprised yet again as the fourth entrant into the match was Karsten Olsen, who is currently third in the VHL all-time hits standings. Like O’Neal before them, neither of these two surprise entrants lasted very long; Olsen was the second superstar eliminated from the match after four and a half minutes in the ring while Jalopski lasted nine minutes before becoming the fourth superstar eliminated from the match after being thrown out by Bruno Wolf, a moment which saw arguably the strongest SHL player eliminated by arguably the strongest VHL player.

Despite being a goalie, Brick Wahl was able to put up a surprisingly good performance as he eliminated both Koji Yamakazi and Andrey Zadorov, which could be considered revenge for the pair being members of the Team World team that denied Wahl’s Team Canada a shot at the Season 40 World Cup. The rigour of being one of the first entrants took its toll however and after being in the ring for 15 minutes, Wahl became the seventh superstar eliminated from the match via a dropkick from Phil Villeneuve just seconds after the Riga defenseman had entered the match. Another player who ended up surprising many was the player formerly known as Doubligne, Penis Anthony Hudson. While Hudson has a reputation for starting fights in the VHL, he’s never really had the strength to win them as he was only able to win one of the four fights he took part in last season. However, the Davos defenseman picked his spots well as he eliminated two superstars from the match; Bruno Wolf (who had been considered one of the favourites to win it all) and Jake Wylde, the latter of whom capped off a disappointing season in the VHL with another disappointing performance in the Rumble having only lasting a minute and a half before being eliminated.


Godavari Yumalatopinto entered with his Season 38 "PIM Championship"

The match wasn’t particularly fast paced with its eliminations until Godavari Yumalatopinto entered in at number 13. The half-Indian Express winger had a reputation as a physical player having recorded the most penalty minutes in Season 38 and he used this physicality to his advantage, eliminating three superstars from the bout in quick succession. Seeing this domination, when Tom Slaughter entered the match at number 15, he immediately exited the ring under the bottom rope to hide under the ring in an effort to escape elimination. The man who would eventually put a stop to Yumalatopinto’s demolition would be the self-proclaimed “King of PIM’s” Edwin Encarnacion after the Domincan entered at number 21, with this being the first of his four eliminations in the match. The final surprise entrant of the night was VHL Hall of Famer and all-time hits leader David Smalling and he showed that he hadn’t lost a step in retirement, immediately eliminating Ron World Peace from the match. However, his VHL comeback was somewhat short-lived as he found himself immediately eliminated by the following entrant, the five-time Labatte Award winner Connor Low. The favourite to win the match entered at number 26, “The Chinese Giant” Xin Xie Xiao, however everyone decided to gang up on the six foot eight inch winger and he ended up being eliminated having only been in the ring three minutes by Phil Villeneuve.

After the 30th and final participant had entered (Jaime Hill), there were ten people left with the opportunity at winning the VHL Royal Rumble, although only nine of them were in the ring. Fed up with Slaughter’s cowardly tactics, Jack Kowalski went under the ring to grab Slaughter to throw him back in the ring in order to immediately eliminate him from the match. In total Slaughter lasted just under 25 minutes, making him the fourth longest lasting participant in the Rumble and with zero eliminations to his name, put up a compelling argument for winning another Mikka Virkkunen Trophy for being the biggest pussy of the Rumble. The final three ended up being Edwin Encarnacion, Phil Villeneuve and Don Draper (who had entered the contest at number 29). After a valiant effort that saw him stay in the ring longer than any other superstar, Villeneuve was finally eliminated by Encarnacion after being in the ring for just less than 34 minutes.


Unlike the WWE winners, Draper won't be going to Wrestlemania

This meant that the final two with a chance to win the Royal Rumble were Edwin Encarnacion and Don Draper, a matchup of very contrasting backgrounds; Encarnacion has always been a player who took pleasure in beating up on others while Draper had a reputation as perhaps one of the least physical defensemen in the league. However, towards the end of last season Encarnacion found himself embarrassed after he ended up with his first lost fight of the season courtesy of Draper, something that Encarnacion would not allow to happen twice. The Dominican rained down bombs on Draper until the Titans defenseman was slumped on the ropes, unable to defend himself. It was then that Edwin ran at full pelt towards Draper aiming to clothesline him over the top rope, however Draper ducked at the last second and Encarnacion’s own momentum sent him over the top rope, meaning Draper had won the VHL Royal Rumble! When we asked Edwin for his thoughts on coming second place, he gave the following statement:


Stats for the Rumble can be found at https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1ae4JJ9Pkrkqz1XiUFATcRGMoU6XNw47EcYLBugFTeoQ/edit?usp=sharing

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Oh damn! Finally proved my elitism.


Retiring from wrestling now, mainly because I never want to face the wrath of Encarnacion.

Yep, you can be the top guy who retired with dignity and got opportunities outside of wrestling, and I'll be the other top guy who wrestles way past their time, turns into a bitter fuck, calling everyone I worked with a "fucking prick" and end up either in jail or dead. 

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Content: 3/3

Amusing read, nice play by play.  I really loved the spreadsheet. 

Grammar: 2/2  Nothing wrong, per say, but you did have a tendency to have exceedingly long sentences. 

  • its toll however, and after being in the ring for 15 minutes, - missing comma

Appearance: 1/1


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