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Slam Dunk'n Hoes - Lord Karnage Biography [Final 10/10]


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Name : Lord Karnage 

Position : Defense

Age : 21

Height : 6'3

Weight : 230lbs

Handness : Left

Hometown : Hargeirsa, Somalia 


Young Age 


A great many years ago, in a city called Hargeirsa which serves as the capital of Somaliland, there was a couple. The man's name was Aadan {No Last Name}, the mother's Fartuun {No Last Name}. They had a little boy, who is really not so young anymore, they named Lord Karnage. When he was born, the little lefty was six feet tall and three inches, and weighed two hundred and thirty pounds. He was, needless to say, a very large baby.


When Lord Karnage was eight, he and his father Aadan and his mother Fartuun moved from the partially recognized Republic of Somaliland (which has a very strange-looking name in Somali) to a truly horrible place called New Jersey. We're not talking the nice parts, like Teaneck, either. We're talking about “the hood.” By the age of fifteen, he was dealing both drugs and women. At the tender age of seventeen, he was arrested for drug possession before being let off on a technicality.



Lord Karnage having some problems with the police.






In an attempt to get him off the streets, Aadan and Fartuun signed their son Lord Karnage up for basketball. Unfortunately for them, Lord Karnage, and the children of the area, the boy was big, brawny, and a fan of fighting. Within just a few short weeks, Lord Karnage was off the basketball court and on the ice, playing a sport where fighting didn't get you suspended. On the ice, his being big, brawny, and a fan of fighting was a good thing, and earned him a scholarship to play for the Boston College Eagles.



Playing basketball was his true passion.


He had made it big, escaped from “the hood” to a prestigious institution of higher learning and also hockey. October came, the season started, and Lord Karnage took to the ice in a fancy jersey with “BOSTON COLLEGE” on the front. He spent seven minutes on the ice that night, until someone in the red and white of the Boston University Terriers called Lord Karnage some very mean things. This made him very unhappy, and he punched the fellow in the gut. The Terriers were not fans of Lord Karnage punching their teammate, and they responded by punching the nearest Eagles. It was a well fought fight, and it ended with several players from both teams in the hospital and Lord Karnage off the Boston College team.



It looks like they are celebrating. It's not. They are jumping on Lord Karnage.



Despite having been kicked off his team, Lord Karnage was more hooked on hockey than ever. He searched and searched for a place to play that had the level of competition he needed, but found nothing. Minor league hockey was good, but his aggressive nature made him difficult to handle in the locker room, and he traveled from team to team, filling the role of enforcer only as long as he was needed. Teams did not have any room for someone who just wanted to beat people up without being punished.


Going big ? 



And so Lord Karnage traversed the continent known as North America, playing hockey for anyone who would give him money for his other vices. Of course, there were only so many teams on the continent, and so Lord Karnage knew that he would soon have to find something else to do.


It was a lonely night in August when Lord Karnage received a call on his old flip phone. The voice on the other end was that of a man who shall remain nameless (let us say that it rhymes with Nim Jill), the general manager of a hockey team which shall remain nameless (let say that it rhymes with Stallas Dars).


“Lord Karnage?”

“Yes. Mr. Nim Jill?”

“I'm calling you because the Stallas Dars are interested in signing you . We'd like you to come work out for us in Stallas.”

“Alright, Mr. Jill. I'll be there.”


And so Lord Karnage went to work out for the Stallas Dars. It was a very long flight from Canada to Stallas, Dexas, and he was a very large man squeezed into a seat in the rear of the plane. There was nothing served other than his worst enemy, the deadly peanut, and so Lord Karnage was very happy to be on the ground in Stallas, Dexas. So happy, in fact, that he smoked a very special cigarette.


He was still enjoying his very special cigarette (alright, let's be real. It's not a cigarette, alright?) when he found a little man with a big sign that read “LORD KARNAGE, WELCOME HOME” The big man coming toward the little man (let's call him a midget, to make things interesting) did not make the midget very happy, nor did the smoke coming from the very special cigarette. What's more, the little midget was driving a green Volkswagen Beetle, which was not going to do any favors for Lord Karnage once he got to the Stallas Dars facility. To calm down, well... he lit another special cigarette.


After a few weeks of training, Lord Karnage was released by the Stallas Dars. He performed adequately at training camp, but sleeping with the wives of his new teammates wasn't generally considered ethical, and Lord Karnage was once again free to go wherever he wished..


Victory Hockey League


After a number of days spent "training" at home (in other words, playing NBA 2k15 all day long), the hockey player received one more phone call (actually his last- he forgot to pay his bill a few days later) from a very interesting man. The caller's English abilities were awful. He couldn't pronounce a single word, but the offer he made was very interesting, nevertheless. It was the newly appointed GM of the Stockholm Vikings, a team playing in the VHL. The GM was looking to build his defensive core with toughness and grit, and he believed that Lord Karnage was a perfect fit. "I want you on my team, no matter what. Here in the VHL, we pay very well, and Stockholm is full of hot chicks." Karnage wasn't convinced at first, but when the GM mentioned the chicks, he agreed to sign the contract. Before he could sign, however, he needed to prove that he could stay disciplined through a whole hockey season. Stockholm GM Benoit Prévost talked to the league and they approved Prévost's plan to rehabilitate Lord Karnage in the hockey world. He's now playing for the Bratislava Watchmen and he will join the Stockholm Vikings next season.



We can all agree that Lord Karnage is doing "pretty well" at the moment..


1142 words

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Overview: 5/5 - Great read. Lots of humour to be found in this Bio and it was a joy.


Grammar: 3/3 - Nothing much to note here. The sentences flow pretty well and there's nothing really to deduct from.


"The man's name was Aadan {No Last Name}, the mother's Fartuun {No Last Name}." -  should be 'and' after the comma.

"(let say that it rhymes with Stallas Dars)" - Let's, not let



Presentation: 1/1 - Everything looks good on the presentation front.


Over 1000 Words? 1/1


Overall: 10/10

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