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Claimed:Random Helsinki Chatter [Final 6/6]


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Helsinki Is Life 




After a strong appearance in the European Conference Quarter-Finals versus Cologne, the Helsinki Titans have fallen ill to the offensive superiority of the Riga Reign and have been eliminated from the Semi-Finals. Although this was largely the expected result, it was still a disappointing ending to Season 42 for the Titans, especially after how strong they played in their first playoff matchup.


It is very much argued, however, that the difference maker between Riga and Helsinki in their series was goaltending. That begs the question, what does the future hold for Kimmo Salo, the ever-aging shit goaltender, and the Helsinki organization? Well, I don't really know. Neither does anybody within the Titans club, according to official sources. In fact, rumour has it that 95% of the staff at the franchise's head office in Helsinki have been drunk day in and day out since the Canadian Club swinging legend, Don Draper, took over at the helm of the club. 


On the plus side for Helsinki, they do have the fourth overall pick (via Toronto) in the upcoming Season 42 VHL Entry Draft. Although they disappointingly lost the lottery, they will still take it since Toronto missed the playoffs by only a narrow 5 point margin. There are many different scenarios that could play out in regards to that pick, so really nobody can say what is going to happen - they could move the pick for future picks, use it to try and move up, or see if they can, although it's pretty unlikely, snag a young netminder like Callum Sinclair or Jax Barnstormer. 




In any event, this off-season is a critical one for Helsinki. Their top scorer through the regular season this year was James Faraday who amassed a meagre 73 points through 72 games - not exactly what is expected for a team with 3 riggers on it. In other news, shit defenseman Don Draper has finally found his calling - the 2nd line! In playoffs, Draper managed to pull of 12 points in 11 games - pretty good for the playoffs, especially when compared to his usual garbage point production that we've grown so used to. 


There is also some commotion going on in Helsinki right now in regards to the contract expiry of one James Faraday who has claimed he would be testing free agency. This would be a big blow to the Titans if they lost Faraday, however it is unlikely that he will actually go anywhere. Official sources tell us that centre-woman Naomi Young has been ordered to keep Faraday 'interested' in Helsinki for the time being. This should be an interesting storyline to follow, if nothing else. We reached out to the infamous Oskars Harumpf for comment on Faraday's pending departure:


"Faraday just try to leave because of my stink pants. He no actually leave."

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Content: 3/3 - Hitting the word mark by just the right amount. Nice article. It's too bad the Titans were taken out. Just as disappointing as my Meute loss. We both lost to the conference super powers.

Grammar: 2/2 - Just 1 odd sentence.


"In playoffs, Draper managed to pull of 12 points in 11 games" - In THE playoffs, Draper managed to pull OFF/OUT 12 points in 11 games.

Appearance: 1/1 - Looks like shit but you get full marks because you're Commissioner. But really, looks good.

Overall: 6/6

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