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Claimed:Ottawa Lynx Auction off Used Gear for Charity


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Ottawa Lynx Auction Used Gear for Charity


     Because the members of the Season 35 Ottawa Lynx are such amazing people, people will spend an absurd amount of money in order to own previous Lynx memorabilia. Jim Gow, the greedy GM of the Lynx, wanted all Ice Dogs memorabilia to be sold for profit with all the money entering his pockets. The Lynx unanimously disagreed with Mr. Gow’s decision and decided to sell all their old equipment to benefit various charities. The following are the items that were somehow auctioned for a ridiculous amount of money.


Mike Szatkowski Jr.’s First Game Goalie Stick - $50,000


     Who would spend $50,000 on a hockey stick? If you guessed Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, you guessed right! While Mr. Jones is not a fan of the Lynx or hockey in general, he has been looking for a new defensive coordinator. Jones believes that Szatkowski Jr.’s stick is the best option available at the present, and has offered his stick a 20 year deal believed to have $100 million guaranteed.




Robin Gow’s Gatorade Bottle - $35,000


     We don’t know the full identity of the man who bought Gow’s Gatorade bottle, but we do know the man’s first name was Victor and he looked to be around 70 years old. Victor then said something about needing a drink from getting tired from 10 minute walks into “town.” This was the last time the world will ever see Victor.


Brennan McQueen’s Empty Bubble Pack - $45,000


     This was the oddest auction of the night, as the price kept going higher and higher with only one bidder. Thomas Landry, HC Davos Dynamo’s star forward, was bidding against himself for over 15 minutes. Upon purchasing this valuable bubble gum pack, Landry looked sad and threw the pack in the trash. It was later discovered that Landry believed the bubble gum pack to be a musket cartridge, as Landry is known to own a musket and be obsessed with the American Civil War.




Robin Gow’s First Lynx Jersey - $0.01


     It turns out that no one wanted Robin Gow’s jersey, which was purchased out of pity by New York Americans GM Ryan Sullivan. When asked what he would do with Robin’s jersey, Mr. Sullivan said, “I needed a new rag to clean off all the trophies New York has.” We’re not sure if Robin would see this to be offensive, but we’re not going to rag on him too much.


Robert Gow III’s Custom Xbox Controller - $500,000


     By now, the world is aware of how great of a Call of Duty player RGIII is; He is widely known as the best Cod player in the world, and has the most kills on Team Optic. The purchaser of RGIII’s controller was his father, Austin Gow, who said he was really proud of his son’s video gaming ability. In honor of being so good at shooting virtual terrorists, the $500,000 was donated to the Alien Invasion Defense Agency, an organization that hopes to prepare the world for an alien invasion by 2020.



Edited by eaglesfan036
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Content: 3/3 It was an overall good read. I like the fact that you believe that a hockey stick is a better def coordinator than Jerry Jones has. The controller should have brought in more money imo.

Grammar: 2/2 I didn't see anything worth taking points away for

Appearance: 1/1 It was set up very cleanly


Grade: 6/6

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Content: 3/3 - Pretty humorous piece that was fun to read. Didn't have to force myself through it!
Grammar: 2/2 - Saw nothing, flawless.
Appearance: 1/1 - That's not actually a Civil War re-enactor. :P
Overall: 6/6 - Make sure you don't burn your house down when trying to make pork chop sandwiches.
FINAL: 6/6
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