George "Motherfucking" Washington [1/2]

[Enorama 1,980]

George Washington may never have strapped on a pair of skates once in his entire life, but now that he's no longer alive, he's had the chance to diversify his interests a little. Since wandering out of his small brick tomb at Mount Vernon, he's attempted all sorts of hobbies; hiking didn't work so well because he kept getting attacked by insects and scavenging predators because the scent of his rotting flesh travelled, swimming ended up just disgusting the other participants because he would slowly turn the pool into a rancid sludge, and american football didn't work out because no teammate would huddle with him. Finally, George discovered that the cool air in a hockey rink was enough to slow down his decomposition enough to reduce the smell and keep all his body parts together, so he took to the ice and quickly started making a name for himself. After just one season in a local rec league in D.C., Washington had a couple scouts from VHLM teams come to him asking for him to make the jump to professional play. Here's a summation of the report they've put together on his play:

 

Strengths:

Intimidation: Literally everyone who has ever lived would be terrified of a skeleton president coming at them wanting something from them very badly. In this case, he wants the puck, and he's going to get it every time. Never mind the fact that you might be able to pull some of his extremities straight from his body, you'll be quivering in fear too much to do anything of the sort.

Poise: From two terms in the presidential office, Washington has no problems performing under pressure. Whether it come during a rousing speech in the dressing room or rallying the troops against all odds, you can count on George to stay cool as a cucumber.

Leadership: The guy was elected as president twice in a row in unanimous victories, he knows a thing or two about leading a country. Without a doubt, this translates quite easily to leading a group of 20 guys to a championship.

 

Weaknesses:

Natural skill: As anyone else who's been on this Earth for nearly 300 years without touching the ice, Washington occasionally looks like a fish out of water in the rink (sometimes he smells like one too). He'll be improving this comfort on the ice over time, to be sure, but he'll likely never have the appearance of having been born with a hockey stick in his hands.

Modern-day tact: Even for someone raised in the 1700s, Washington was surprisingly conservative. His misogynist and racist views would likely raise a few eyebrows then and cause a few riots today. Without his troupe of slaves to tend to his crops and his wife to tend to his health, Ol' George would be in a bad way today if he had to either feed himself or watch his hygiene, thankfully for him, he doesn't need to worry about either. George might pick up a couple extra PIMs if he's ever with a ref who isn't white, male, and Christian.

Verbal communication skills: Yes, he speaks English, same as all the other players on his team, but 1700s English might as well be Greek for how well it works in communicating with his teammates. He'll have to nail the modern North American accent if he's ever going to succeed here long-term.

 

 

567 words

[NotAVHLM-GM 1,858]

[HenrikZoiderberg 469]

Review:

 

This one currently isn't compliant as it doesn't have a picture. I suggest this one:

 

 

I'd strongly suggest adding some vital stats and a conclusion. I get the meme value, but this one could use a lot of work.