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On Ice Down Under: The Movie


DoktorFunk
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Scott Greene of the Seattle Bears has recently inked a dal to adapt the first half of his book, On Ice Down Under: The History of Australian Hockey, into a feature length movie. “It was a subject we found very interesting and we thought would make a perfect winter or holiday movie,” said Paramount Pictures President Peter Pippingsworth. “It’s not everyday we come across a unique story like this, and the fact that it's never been told is astounding."

 

Greene's book was a top seller for 90 weeks straight, and recently was declared "the best book ever written" by famous author Scott Greene. Big words, indeed. When interviewing Greene about the movie, he had this to say: "Well, I was very excited for the opportunity. There had to be concessions made. I wanted extended dialogues between the kangaroos and the Bogan settlers, but the executives at the studio didn't think that the audience would appreciate a scene where people communicate with their minds for two hours. 

 

There was also the issue of nudity. Greene wanted the movie to have a hard NC-17 rating with gratuitous sex scenes and long shots of people standing naked. "I think that it's important we think about the historical context of it all. The Bogans were about two things: having sex and cashing checks. That was why they ultimately won the war for Australia," said Greene. "If we can't show that on screen, I didn't want there to be a movie." The studio eventually caved in, and the movie is expected to have a runtime of about 10 hours, 7 of which are graphic, marathon-length sex scenes.

 

Violence, of course, couldn't be skipped. The studio has hired splatter effects king, Tom Savini, to run the effects department. Greene had gone on record by saying that he wants this to be "the goriest movie ever made." This is a tall order, but the studio has already greenlit an effects budget of six hundred million dollars. "I want there to be an hour-long shot of a kangaroo's face, really driving home the horrors of war."

 

Rapper E-40 had been hired to score the entire film. "I think it's important that we have an entirely hip-hop soundtrack. That's authentic to Australian culture," says Greene. "Nothing is more gangsta than shooting kangaroos." The soundtrack is going to be simultaneously released with the film in a cross promotion event. E-40 is expected to perform while skydiving out of a plane onto a giant field full of kangaroos on the opening night of the film. 

 

The film is expected to release in one month. Many are concerned with the fact that it releases so soon. "I don't think we have anything to worry about," says Greene. "I believe that we can have it done by tomorrow, if everyone stops slacking. I took valuable time off from playing hockey to direct this film. The least they can do is show the same commitment." We will keep you posted as the film develops.

 

Edit: Now starring @berocka as Bulk Bogan

 

500 Words, y'all 

Edited by DoktorFunk
Bulk Bogan
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