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How the Fuck Did You?


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So as we should all know, the VHL is a sim league. The engine we use is STHS or Simon T Hockey Simulator. I think that the sim engine has done it's job really well, and I don't think other sim engines will produce the same results. So why am I talking about this? Well first I'd like to introduce you to this new series called How the Fuck Did You? The series that looks at games between two teams and asks the ever important question of "How the fuck did you lose to THAT team?"  So yeah, I'm essentially shaming teams at this point in another article that I'm making for the sake of making an article. Anyways, this first edition will cover two games regarding the Houston Bulls!



This in no way has anything to do with me. I am simply just bringing certain games into the spotlight in order to shit on teams. It's all in good sport afterall. Anyways if you're not happy with these game results, blame it on STHS and not me.






In 34 games so far this season, The Houston Bulls are not only the bottom of their respective conference, but the entire league with a 4-28-2 record and only 10 points in the season. They have not only failed to score with only 47 goals for (Somehow that's more than San Diego, check the fucking portal) but has also been horrible defensively with 156 goals against. Making a goal differential of -109. Safe to say that they aren't competing in the playoffs this season. The only good thing about this is that at least they aren't as bad as they were in S72. The reason as to why Houston has been losing and will probably continue to lose in this rebuilding season is because of their decently barren roster. They only have 1 D that only has 66 TPE in Henry Simon VanBuskirk @Rasmussen man and have only one line in terms of forwards with Vladimir Mlinski @Brrbisbrr, Jason Beauregaurd  @Bobby Bummhole, and Ryan Ryker @Jayrad28 with Victor Foles @Suzuki14 being the most recent recruit onto the team. Arguably their best player and the one with the most TPE is Kunibuni UnGuri @Berocka with 151 TPE. Yeah their highest TPE player just reached over 150. With a roster like that, in which I hope can improve soon with all the new creates coming from YouTube, it's pretty much guaranteed they are rebuilding. With that in mind, lets get on with shitting on teams.


GM 104: San Diego Marlins vs. Houston Bulls

Game Score: 1-2

Game link: https://vhlportal.com/game/VHLM/74/VHLM74-104.html


I'll start of lightly with this one. The San Diego Marlins are also a basement team this season just ahead of Houston with a 5-28-1 record. They are literally one point ahead in terms of standings. It's honestly surprising how they're ahead in terms of standings but I'll give respects to the team. Doesn't mean that I won't shit on them though. The fact that I respect how they're ahead makes it easier to shit on. Though not that much. Anyhow, this was a pretty low scoring game with The aforementioned VanBuskirk and Beauregaurd being Houston's goal scorers. Bjorn Wilhelm von Luxembourg @d3vilsfire is the only goal scorer for SDM that game. SDM had 22 shots compared to the 15 HOU put up that game, and yet they somehow lost. In all fairness, Michael Fletcher @DragonFire420 only has 64 TPA compared to UnGuri but what's more damning is that you fucking gave Houston a powerplay goal. They had a 50% PP that game while they fucking stopped your PPs stone cold. At least they are both bad teams this year so this can be sorta excusable. SDM has been getting a lot of signings as of late so hopefully they'll improve then.


GM 165: Yukon Rush vs. Houston Bulls

Game Score: 2-4

Game link: https://vhlportal.com/game/VHLM/74/VHLM74-165.html


When I first saw this score, I honestly couldn't believe it. Houston, won against Yukon? FUCKING YUKON? If you haven't known by now, Yukon is one of the VHLMs better teams with a current 23-10-1 record and 47 points. Though during that time, Yukon was competing for the top of the standings if I'm not mistaken. The Eastern Conference is a warzone afterall. Anyways, it would've been more respectable if they lost in a close OT or SO game but no, they lost in regulation. They lost 4-2 as well! it wasn't a one goal game but two! Again VanBuskirk would open the scoring in the first period, that was salvageable but then they would fucking score 3 straight in the next period with Ryker getting two goals. It wasn't until the third period when Vlad Imir @Big Dee and Pistil Stamen @DMaximus brought it back to a two goal game. However it was too late. Keep in mind that Houston has 47 goals for currently. They don't score much at all and yet you let 3 goals in the second period? What's worse is that 2 of those 4 goals were powerplay goals! Yeah Houston had a 66.67% powerplay and again had a 100% PK! The goalie Kloxified @Kloxified was having an off game I guess. Either way, this would've had me spamming a kekw emote in Houston's LR if it wasn't for the fact that they didn't have one. Out of all the wins, this one has to be the most painful for the opposing team.


Well that's that. Again, don't put your anger on me, I'm just the messenger. If you have to blame it on someone, blame it on Simon T. Though it's probably because you haven't given enough sacrifices to him yet. If you have any sort of team suggestions on the next edition of How the Fuck did You?  let me know! Any sort of criticism (except for blaming the games on me) is much appreciated. Thanks!

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How did Yukon lose to Houston. Honestly, sometimes good teams lose to bad teams. Nice to see my former Bulls win a game against the big dogs. I would consider changing the name of the series just because I know we have some younger members on here. Not to harp on your parade. There are better words to use IMO. People are gonna harp on me for this one. This is a hill I'll die on. Other than that it was a great article. Enjoyed the read and I can't wait to see more of it. 


9/10 kids are watching

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15 minutes ago, Plate said:

I would consider changing the name of the series just because I know we have some younger members on here.

I guess it's time to teach kids the proper etiquette of unnecessary amounts of profanity. Swearing with Jiggs anyone?

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