Claimed:Where Was Landry?

[Doomsday 4,120]

Where Was Landry?

 

DAVOS - In the wake of the return of Thomas Landry to the world of social activity, many questions have arisen. When was the last time he showered? How many books has he read? Does he remember how to function as a normal human being? Was there pizza there? While these questions are no doubt important and meaningful, they are at best speculation and at worst wildly untrue. After Landry's brief press conference this morning, none of those questions were answered. We here at the MSFL Times feel that the best course in take in light of this is, of course, more wild speculation. Following are our best guesses to where Mr. Landry has been:

 

Dead

 

Wildly improbable, considering his top-notch performance on the ice this season. Then again, the SBA has seen zombie players, or rather at least one zombie player. Could the VHL have one now to add to their ranks? These possibilities, however, ended at Landry's press conference. He exhibited a normal appearance, could speak clearly and effectively, displayed excellent motor skills and did not eat or even attempt to bite another human being. Comments about the VHL not having any brains aside, this one already looks like a bust.

 

Probability: Not bloody likely.

 

Engineering Performance-Enhancing Drugs

 

With Landry's powerful increase in productivity, many suspected that performance-enhancing drugs are to blame. However, the VHL has a god-like ability to detect any and all known forms of cheating, including every kind of performance enhancing drug. If Landry's new skills are from PEDs, then he had to have created them himself. But as anyone can attest, Landry's science skills are somewhere between -500 and the amount of people that believed OJ Simpson didn't murder his wife.

 

Probability: Absolute Zero.

 

Gathering the Dragon Balls

 

Now this... this could be probable. Gathering the Dragon Balls is a long and arduous task that takes plenty of time and energy. It would also explain the big-time boost in his skills and his sudden return to the league. But to our knowledge, Landry is not a capable fighter. He cannot shoot energy beams, fly or punch/kick roughly a thousand times per second. There's also the fact that Dragon Ball Z is actually a cartoon and that elements of the show don't exist in reality. So in other words... this could be quite possible.

 

Probability: OVER 9000

 

Got A Job At NFL Network

 

Oh come on, now you're just being ridiculous. Why would Thomas Landry get a job at the NFL Network? He didn't even play football, not even as a kid. He was too busy playing hockey to even recreationally play football. Or learn what a first down is. Or an interception. This is just nonsense, there's no way that's where he was.

 

Probability: A Number Equivalent To Warren Sapp's Bank Account

 

Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, which continues to inexplicably cover hockey. He enjoys the finer things in life: riding Yoshis, beating up ninjas with household utensils and finding Jimmy Hoffa, only to hide him again.

[Guest Svoboda_3]

Content: 3/3

510 words. While not incredibly long, it gave us some finer explanations as to where you have been. I'm sure you have a legitimate reason for your disappearance, but hopefully you are back to a normal routine here. You did a good job with the examples.

Grammar: 2/2

Well-done.

 

in = to

Yoshis = Yoshi's

Appearance: 1/1

You had pictures, different font sizes and some bolding and such.

Overall: 6/6

[Smarch 3,100]

Claimed