Commish for a Day - The UNHINGED HOCKEY LEAGUE

[SlapshotWrangler 819]

Alright, this is going to be the weirdest version of the Victory Hockey League yet. I call it the UHL; the Unhinged Hockey League! First things first, we are going to change how teams work. Every week at random, teams will protect 6 players. Then every Sunday of the week, the unprotected players will enter a dispersal draft. That’s right, EVERY SINGLE UNPROTECTED PLAYER. And this will take place every week. Genius right? Gone are the days of people claiming star players were carried by a strong team. Gone are the days of thinking about how good the team in front of them was when it comes to goalie awards!

 

Next, we are removing the 5v3 limit of power plays. That’s right, in some god forbidden world, a team can take 5 penalties and it will be a 5v0 power play for the other team. Actually, screw it. Whenever goalies are penalized, they have to go in the box themselves, goalie gear and all. If your backup and starter both take penalties one after another, you have no goalie! Send your biggest defensemen to try and play goalie with no pads. This will ensure a cleaner game. Or it will turn into a nightmare. Who cares?

 

To keep the fun of hockey in the Unhinged Hockey League, we will also be implementing a ‘boring rule’. If there are no fights, goals, or big saves made every 5 minutes, each team will play rock paper scissors. The winner gets a goal added to the scoresheet. Also, in order to ensure that goalies will never have a shutout again (we hate it when there are no goals in the UHL), if a team has 0 goals allowed at the end of regulation, the other team just wins! That’s right, if your goalie has a generational performance, they just lose. Isn’t that just splendid?

 

Hockey is a beautiful sport and it is unlike any other sport. Maybe too unlike any other sport. Introducing the three point line! If a goal is scored past the three point line (which will be located in the middle of the top of the faceoff circle and the blueline), then you get FOUR points! Why is it called the three point line? Because we think it’s fun. We also will be adding a field goal from American football. If you can lift the puck over it, that is half a point. Yes, it will be an actual regulation size NFL field goal.

 

We also believe the fans should be involved! At the first intermission, the fans will decide between three new rules that they can add to the game. Rule 1 is switching the puck for a balloon for the first 10 minutes of the game. Rule 2 is activating sudden death goalie elimination! What does that mean? If a goalie allows a goal, they are ejected from the game. Yes, this includes goals from the rock paper scissors matches. Trust me, it’s great! Rule 3 is that three players are ejected and are replaced by three random fans selected by a random number generator.

 

With these new changes, we hope the VHL will continue to advance and bring joy to the hockey community! God bless us all!