Deadpanda Biography

[Alex 3,246]

A red panda was born in a Lisbon Zoo in 1976, life was fairly normal, or at least as normal as things can get for a red panda living in a zoo. For the first 12 years, it was as simple as things can get, wake up, eat, and shit. But that’s when everything changed. In 1988, the Lisbon Zoo started doing live demonstrations explain the lives and fun animal facts, where do to the fact that this red panda could now speak fluent Portuguese (think like Team Rockets Meowth from Pokémon). During the first demonstration they learned that the lifespan of a red panda is only 23 years. This news was new to the red panda and was obviously fairly distraught.

 

Following the news, this middle-aged red panda would escape from the zoo, this led to them wandering the streets living off of restaurant scraps and that is when they met a strange scientist at a Portuguese University who was doing some genetic research and given that red pandas aren’t human (obviously) they could be tested on. Over the course of the next two decades until the scientist’s death, this red panda underwent a battery of testing and experiments. The main effects from this were them tripling in size to that similar of Ryan Reynolds, and seemingly becoming the oldest red panda ever, as they have already doubled the average life span of a red panda. To avoid being stared at they made the decision to only wear a Deadpool costume, and with that adopt the moniker Deadpanda.

 

From this point on they went back to wandering the earth, looking for a place that they belong, Deadpanda would travel from Portugal up to the United Kingdom, then off to southeast Asia, where they would find a bunch of red pandas, but due to their size they simply just didn’t feel like they belonged. From there one they went across the Pacific Ocean and ended up making money for people to take photos with them on the Vegas strip, they were able to make a decent living doing this and was able to purchase a house. This continued until they met a strange old man, this man took in Deadpanda and introduced him to the game of hockey. They quickly fell in love with the game and made the decision to take it up.

 

Over the course of the next year Deadpanda saved up to buy goalie equipment after hearing that all goalies are a little bit messed up in the head and decided that this would be a great position for them. While early on Deadpanda was a fairly solid goalie, this was only during ball hockey as they would have to learn how to skate to play ice hockey.

 

Learning to skate was a very different story and one that they still don’t quite have a solid grip of yet, due to their high center of gravity and lack of coordination Deadpanda struggled whenever they had to put on their so-called knife shoes. However, after 8 months of power skating lessons where they learned to skate both forwards and backwards, and slide side to side. Deadpanda was ready enough to consider trying out for a team.

 

As Deadpanda was already 46 years old, beer league it was! In beer league they did very well and dominated the competition. After realizing that they felt the same as when they were 13, Deadpanda kind of put two and two together that as a result of their genetic testing that they had stopped aging. This breathed new life into a potential hockey career, where they made the decision to declare for the S95 VHLM draft. With this they did make several key decisions that will impact their career, the first of which is that they do want to play every game and or at a minimum not being anyone’s backup goalie, following every win they want the team that selects them to provide one ham and cheese sandwich following each win, and lastly they want the team that drafts them to actually reach out to them or their newly hired agent lemorse.

 

Prior to the VHLM draft Deadpanda decided to tryout for the World Junior Championships, where they made it onto Team World! Largely in part due to there not really being many goalies available. As a result, they will get 4 games played at a level that is considerably higher than the VHLM. Sadly, this was done to boost their draft stock, but it may have done the opposite as they have posted a record of 0-3 with a 0.891 save percentage and 4.75 goals against average. Hopefully they can put at least one good game together so that the GMs have a better idea of what they are getting in the draft.

 

Only time will tell where Deadpanda’s story will go from here, will they string together a successful career or just be a massive bust, who know?