What If I Do?

[OblivionWalker 246]

(inspired by the Hunter Hayes song "What If I Do?")

 

The rhythmic hiss of his skates on the ice did nothing to still the clamor of thoughts inside Slava’s head. Even something as familiar to him as skating didn’t comfort him right now, didn’t drown things out like it used to but he was certain he knew the reason for that, even if he really didn’t want to admit it out loud.

 

What good would it do? Even if he said something, confessed what was in his heart, there was no guarantee that any of it would be reciprocated and there was also the risk of pushing away and perhaps even losing a good friend. As someone who was quieter, much more an introvert, Slava had few friends as it was to begin with, and it wasn’t like he had any to spare.

 

When had it started? That was a question he still couldn’t answer to this day. Had it been when he’d first arrived at the Lynx locker room after being picked up as a waiver wire addition to see them and had almost been rocked off his feet by a hug that felt like going over to his dido and baba’s house when he was young? Or maybe it had been as early as his first time at juniors, when he had felt so awkward being the tallest one there and someone with eyes as blue as his own had just plopped into the seat across from him in the cafeteria and started talking to him like they’d known each other all of their lives. Maybe it had been all of the texts and video calls during the years in between, with both of them sharing their wishes and dreams for what lay ahead of them.

 

Perhaps all of it together added up together to form Slava’s present predicament. His baba had tried to gently urge him to say something, to speak up. “You never know if you never speak, Slavochka.” she had told him and while a part of him knew she was right, the greater part of him was terrified to say anything. 

 

He and the object of his yearnings never really talked about their dating lives, since both of them were focused on making it into the VHL and Slava had also been very strict in his studies, knowing that he needed a scholarship to go to school in Alaska. That had left time for very little else in his life and honestly his gaze had only ever been in one direction anyway.

 

Maybe one day he could be brave. Maybe one day he could say everything that he had been holding inside.

 

So lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t even register someone else joining him on the ice until an all too familiar voice said “There you are. I thought I’d find you here.”

 

He swallowed hard, his hands in his pockets as he turned to face them, hoping that his expression wouldn’t betray anything. “You know me too well.” he joked, and he hated the way his heart skipped a beat when they laughed.

 

“We’re going to go to the grocery store, sneak a Caramilk bar or two. Are you coming?”

 

“Of course. You know I never pass up a chance to get my hands on some chocolate.” Slava snorted, falling into easy steps beside them as they made their way off the ice to take off their skates. He knew logically that they wouldn’t be on the same team after this. With the dispersal draft coming up as well as eventually making their way to the VHLE, they would be separate. But at least he could cling to the illusion for the moment that this would last, that he could continue to be by their side.

 

With their skates in their equipment bags and stowed away for the moment, Slava started guiltily when they planted themselves directly in his path, blocking his way forward. “Are you okay? You’re even more far away than normal.”

 

He should’ve known they would notice, that they would see him. They always had and Slava’s resolve to keep his silence seemed to crumble in the face of their cerulean gaze, so earnest and clearly wanting to know what was on his mind.

 

“. . .we need to talk, River.”

 

(word count: 713)

Edited August 4 by OblivionWalker