Discussing the Circus Monkey Controversy - [LEAKED ARTICLE]

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RED DEER - As the postseason is going on, it is no secret that there will be plenty of snubs. And with snubs, comes the infamous saying: “Fisted anally by a circus monkey”. Now, for years, it has just been a saying. Or has it? With the recent appearance of Circus Monkey, we have our suspicions.

 

Circus Monkey is one of the newest prospects that is looking to enter into the VHL system. He most recently played with his hometown Red Deer Rebels (Circus Monkey was an experiment done at Red Deer Polytechnic, they allegedly brought him in 20 years ago when he was allegedly 1 year old.) and had 33 goals and 52 assists for 85 points this past season. His eligibility to play in the WHL was always debated mostly because of the fact he was a literal monkey but also for another big reason: there might be a chance he is lying about his age.

 

“I don’t see why not having legal documents is such a big deal. I mean, for any other person, yeah, that’s a concern. But I am the result of a science experiment gone exceptionally well; if it wasn’t for that, I’d literally be like any other monkey. And I don’t see any other animals needing documentation.” Circus Monkey said in a press conference when he first joined the Rebels.

 

A local Red Deer resident who wishes to remain anonymous disagrees. For purposes of the article, we will call them Q.

 

“Zoo animals require documentation. I also require documentation to take my dog to the vet. I find it hard to believe that Red Deer Polytechnic doesn’t even have one piece of documentation for bringing in a monkey and performing experiments on it. Even if the documentation doesn’t have his age, we’d at least know when he was brought in and if he really is 21 years old.”

 

Q is a sports reporter who first heard about the story of Circus Monkey while travelling alongside the Medicine Hat Tigers as part of their media crew there. At first, he was very impressed by Circus Monkey. However, after trying to write an article about the said player, he grew suspicious as he couldn’t find any information dating before his time in the WHL. That piqued his curiosity to the point of moving to Red Deer to find more about who Circus Monkey is.

 

According to Q, there are eyewitnesses who say that Circus Monkey has actually been living in Red Deer for more than 21 years. And coincidentally, Circus Monkey always seemed to leave the town whenever Victory Hockey League awards were being handed out or when tournament rosters (for the WC, WJC, etc.) were being announced.

 

“One of my eyewitnesses said that he and Circus Monkey were neighbours and would regularly watch the VHL playoffs together. They’d go to watch parties. Circus Monkey apparently admired the player Alexander Chershenko. That would date him being here in Red Deer since season 35! That same eyewitness also mentioned that Circus Monkey would fly to watch the VHL awards every season. Strangely enough, that same eyewitness took it all back the next day and then moved to Sweden the day after that.”

 

– THIS ARTICLE IS NOT TO BE PUBLISHED; THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE HAS SINCE BEEN FIRED –