My Life: Multiple Content Warnings

[nurx 914]

Spoiler

Before I begin writing this, I want it to be known that I am not making this post for attention. I don't want it I just need a place to talk about what is happening. This story will tell some of the parts of my life that has hurt me in a way that am still hurting to this day.

 

4 years ago I got my wisdom teeth removed and soon later went into diabetic ketoacidosis. I did not know I was diabetic but looking back there were plenty of signs that I was. This really is the part of my life that really is hard. I don't want to sound like someone who can't handle the disease but just a week before that I was just any other 15 year old. I really could of died had it not of been of just one action. Looking back at this it gave me a deep appreciation of life when I wasn't under very deep spells of depression.

 

Next was about 8 months later. I was 16 at this point just had gotten my driver's license and was just beginning to really look around the world around me. At this point I was fairly constantly being ridiculed by my father telling me that if I don't handle my diabetes I could die. Note I was not handling it to the best of my ability but my A1C was 7.1. I had found out that my closest friends had just recently had a party but didn't invite me. I thought I had found out that I was that friend that people didn't like to invite. I would later find out that one of the people they invited was terrified of needles and that is why I wasn't invited. This really isn't a good reason IMO but it hurt. At this point it felt like not only my friends didn't want me around but constant ridiculing by my father made me think my parents didn't want me. Therefore in March 2019 I took around 89 units of insulin in an attempt to kill myself. About 10 minutes later I decided I didn't want to die and ate and drank a significant amount of sugar. I would take a break from nearly everything I was doing and just moped around my life for about 2 months.

 

Last year around this time I had graduated from high school for a few months and was about to move into college. However I was at this awkward time where I had couldn't get a job because I was only there for a month and I didn't have anything to do. I was incredibly lonely. I had no one to talk to really and I spent my time watching YouTube videos. I would drive at night incredibly dangerously because I didn't really care about my life. I didn't want to purposely die but if I lose control and did I didn't care. I never did have that happen but I know I could of at any time.

 

This past month. I once again have been incredibly lonely. I have people to talk to but I haven't seen any of my irl friends in months. I had changed my path and wouldn't go back to college and didn't see an end to what I saw was endless suffering. Early July I would walk into the wood and again attempt to kill myself. I have been recovering mentally for a while from this and took a break once again, but I realized that the things I take breaks from don't cause me to feel that way. The VHL and everything I do online make me incredibly happy and have made my life better significantly. I have talked to my diabetic phycologist and have an appointment to talk to her, but I still wonder how I can help myself from falling into that. I know I am someone who hates to ask for help I am disappointed in myself often, but I have realized that I need to change. 

TW: Suicide, Depression, and Self Harm

 

 

[diacope 1,696]

Love ya bro! Keep your head high.. Chase the positives!