Womp Addresses the VHLE Media

[AdamEss 58]

Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr makes his way to the press podium in the Bratislava Watchmen press room. He immediately waves away all chatter.

 

"No questions today. Gert used to it. I don't need to tell you that both teams gave 100% and played real hard for the boys and the barn and the sweater and all the horse shit you've heard a thousand times. Your buddies in the M press corp should've warned you, but if for some dumb reason they didn't let me lay it out for you. Fuck anybody who isn't a Watchmen. That's my attitude on the ice from whistle to whistle. I hit. I bust. I break. I slam. I punch. I drop. I am a physical specimen of unchained violence on the ice and I will not stop until my team is done playing. Then I'll use you fucksticks to talk as much shit as humanly possible about my opponents every time it's warranted. Which usually seems to be about once a week later in the week for some cosmic reason I can't explain. Don't worry though. I am gonna sell you some fuckin' newspapers. or subscriptions or whatever shit you're doing to stay afloat now. I am a gold mine of quotable statements, hot takes, one liners, nicknames, jokes, and just straight up fucking dashing charm the likes you don't see anymore. And I am hoping against hope that someone out there in the E is ready to take up my challenge and fight me on the ice. Nobody did it this past year. Cowards across every team. it's not like they weren't throwing down with each other. None of them would touch em though. Guess I made too strong fo an impression the playoffs in S84 when I knocked dude clean out and won the Founder's Cup for Vegas in the same game. So here's the chance for every would be tough bastard floating around the E. Come get you some. Prove you're the best. prove I'm just another prospect who got by smacking on lesser players. Whatever it is you gotta tell yourself, do it. My fists hunger for blood and they cannot be satiated by the weak wills of spineless pretty boys trying to protect their marketable faces. Until YOU stop me I'm going to fuck them up. All of them. All your would be prima dona wingers with their cute little baby dekes and artsy fartsy bullshit shots. Half these fucks look like they think they're stage magicians. Ah now you see the puck, now you don't, I've cleverly disappeared it into your net! Fuck that. They're getting smacked. All you big assholes with your big old slap shots? I will take your little pissant shot right in the chest and star you in the face the entire time. I will maul your defensemen. I will taunt your goalies. I will wheel your bunnies. I will go into scouting meetings and tell your coaches all your flaws and then demand a raise for my services. I am Womp Goddamned Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr, regardless of the opinions of the Province of Ontario on the legal ability to change my name to that. Welcome to the greatest season in the history of the VHLE. Welcome to the Womp Era. Pray that Cthulhu shows you mercy because I sure as hell won't.

 

He turns and leaves with no further statement.