Obuz Schneider Canet du Bocage - From the Assembly Line to the VHL

[Grape 738]

Obuz Schneider Canet du Bocage, also referred to by its full name, Obusier de 15 cm TR Schneider-Canet-du-Bocage, is a French howitzer designed in 1903. This particular howitzer is unique in that it is believed to be the first ever motorized artillery system, not having to rely on railways or construction crews. This howitzer was made specially requested by Portugal, and only four were ever constructed, with only one allegedly being used in combat.

 

The howitzer coming to the VHL today is a very special one. The four howitzers made and sent over sat in the Portuguese arsenal for decades, staying locked away through both world wars. Eventually the Portuguese got tired of holding onto them, and instead of turning them into scrap, they decided to sell off the howitzers in the late 1960s. Two of them were sold to war museums in Europe, one went to a used car dealer in Sussex, and one, Obuz, was sold to a man named Wilhelm Aftoner, who planned to use it as decoration for his restaurant in Germany, Friedrich Fazbaron’s Schnitzelria, in which it was repurposed as a schnitzel cannon. This restaurant was immensely popular, and ran without a hitch through the 1970s and into the 80s. Unfortunately, disaster struck, as Wilhem Aftoner turned out to be a child murdering psychopath, and ended up killing 6 children in 1987, in which he stuffed 5 into his animatronic suits, and one in Obuz. Imbued with the spirits of the dead children, while the spirits possessing the suits seeked revenge, eventually leading to Aftoner supposedly dying and coming back and so on and so forth for a handful of decades, Obuz sought a different purpose in his new life.

 

When the restaurant eventually shut down after an incident regarding a worker being bitten in the head, Obuz was sold and shipped out to a new location, a hockey rink owned by Jukurit of the Finnish Liiga. From there, Obuz was exposed to hockey night in and night out and it became his passion. One night, he finally exposed his sentience to a random janitor and from there, the janitor assisted the howitzer in learning the game of hockey. After somehow putting skates on the wheels and taping a hockey stick to the artillery barrel, Obuz slowly but surely learned to skate and shoot. While the skating was extremely awkward for both Obuz and anyone watching, his shot was of an extreme caliber, able to blast the puck from seemingly anyway and having it be consistently well over 100mph. It was time to show the world what this howitzer could do.

 

The janitor and howitzer got on the ice early, having Obuz launch puck after puck. Eventually the Jukurit team arrived for practice and were in awe. After some discussion with the head coach, Obuz was given the chance to prove himself and play for the team, with some minor modifications. The artillery barrel and combustion system were altered slightly to reduce the intensity of the shot, since at its current speed, it risked injury or death to opposing players and netminders. After those changes though, it was time for Obuz to step onto the ice and actually play with and against fellow players. Every time he got the puck, he would set himself, and fire, missiling it down at the opposing goalie. Even from his own zone, the puck came with so much heat that it occasionally beat the netminder. Against Obuz, a 200 foot goal was not seen as a misplay by the goalie, just an insanely hard shot. While Obuz was legendary in the offensive zone, he struggled defensively and in transition. Obviously, turning wasn’t that much of a strong-suit for him, and speed really is not in his arsenal. Despite his struggles, however, he solidified himself as a local legend and a somewhat controversial figure in the Liiga, with players and ownership heavily debating the howitzer’s eligibility to even participate in the league.

Eventually, Obuz saw that it was time to move on. He had his fun in Finland, and now is the time to truly showcase himself on a global scale. After saying his goodbyes to his team and janitor/mentor, he was wheeled onto a cargo ship and taken to the United States, where he would hopefully begin to carve out a name for himself in a new, higher level hockey league. Of course, being a relatively unknown player in the States, he would first carve his name out in some smaller leagues. Due to being considered a weapon and therefore not eligible to play for any college teams, and apparently would be deemed a declaration of war if he went to Canada to play there, Orbuz started at the bottom, playing beer league, slowly gaining notoriety and catching the eyes of some lower level scouts. Eventually, he caught enough attention and was notified that he would be eligible to join the VHL. Ecstatic, Obuz Schneider Canet du Bocage was finally able to showcase his skills on the world stage, and he was ready to blow away the competition.