Ottawa Crime Files

[ctots 400]

Though the season is only just beginning, the Ottawa Lynx locker room is showing strong evidence that they are gelling as a team, although not in the way that managers and coaches hoped to see. Every player on the roster has had a run in with the local police authorities; the team is making it clear that their goal is to raise hell. Below is an overview of the kind of chaos that they’ve caused since the start of preseason.

 

Lucky Mitts allegedly stole a snowmobile and took it for a joyride, only to end up stuck in a ditch a couple of miles away. According to unconfirmed reports, Mitts found the snow machine idling outside a gas station and his teammates encouraged him to go for it. “I’m just glad that I got my sled back in one piece” said Perry Tomlinson, the victim of the grand theft snowmobile case. Mitts was released from custody without being charged. Lucky, indeed.

 

Bruise Banner was held overnight following an altercation that took place in a shopping center parking lot. When asked for comment, Banner provided the following: “I saw this guy leave his cart in the middle of the lot – he didn’t take it back to the cart corral thing. I asked him to stow it properly and he flipped me the bird. It… devolved from there.” Banner posted bail and is awaiting a court date.

 

Harry Callahan was questioned in relation to an armed robbery of an art supply store. The perpetrator matches Callahan’s physical description, but thankfully the player had an alibi for the time of the crime. Investigators are still working the case, but it seems that the robber didn’t leave a trace at the crime scene.

 

YaBoiOven was trespassed from the local all you can eat buffet on a Tuesday evening. The player arrived early that morning with the rest of the team for a pre-practice breakfast. When the rest of the team was finished, Oven seemed to just be getting started. The young man proceeded to eat nonstop for the next ten hours to the astonishment of the restaurant staff and other patrons. The team returned that evening to check on Oven, who was being escorted from the building by police. “I wasn’t even finished eating yet!” the player protested, but to no avail. As a result, the entire team has been banned from dining there.

 

Jakub Izackywas caught on camera throwing rental scooters into the river. Police questioned him about it, but ultimately decided not to press charges because literally everyone hates when those things end up just littering the streets like so much garbage.

 

Med, ShinoaHiiragi, and CelisePereira were all caught breaking and entering the facilities of a pet daycare. The police report states that the three players smelled strongly of alcohol and insisted that they needed to get in to pet the puppies. The owners of the facility were understandably irritated but did not feel threatened enough to pursue legal action.

 

Tommy Sleeves was given a field sobriety test by officers on duty after he was seen, in the words of an eyewitness, “surfing on the roof of a public transit bus like that scene in Teen Wolf.” Sleeves was found to be stone cold sober, strangely. He will be required to sit through driving safety classes to prevent further reckless behavior on the road.

 

Andrew Cobbersonhas been pulled over for speeding three times per week since his arrival in Ottawa. The young man has paid well over $4,000 in traffic violations already, andshows no signs of stopping. The team has offered to provide Cobbersona permanent driver to prevent him from getting into trouble, but he has refused, insisting on driving himself everywhere at breakneck speeds.

 

Ryan Artyomov, possibly the least offensive of the team, cannot seem to follow the rules of the cross-walk. Almost constantly, the world class goalie steps confidently into traffic from anywhere along the street. This behavior has caused several traffic collisions and he has been given dozens of citations. Trouble adjusting to the local culture, perhaps?

[Subject056 1,205]

Ottawa Lynx players getting into shenanigans! What a fun team of players to have. Had a good laugh with this write up, nice one!

[Pifferfish 512]

@ctots Banner is undraftable now. No GM wants a guy who doesn't put the cart back, smh. Stock tanked.

[JCarson 730]

Article Review, fun article, well written, very creative.  It is always nice to see something beyond the typical here is how my player did this week, let me tell you what is bothering me or I hate this other team because the always beat us. Glad to here there were no major issues and everyone got back to the arena for the next game.  Keep up the great work on the articles, keep being creative it makes it fun for the rest of us.

 

I give this article a 9/10