Soju Biography

[Frank 5,214]

An artists depiction of Soju playing for the Philadelphia Reapers of the VHLM.

 

Birthplace and Early Life

 

Seoul, South Korea

 

Soju was first distilled (born) in Seoul on March 13, 2006. Often times once a bottle of Soju is distilled it moves into marketing and is sold on the shelves of convenience stores. But this bottle was special. Purchased (adopted) by a Canadian family who decided to retire in South Korea after the recession of 2008. The family purchased the bottle expecting to consume it that very evening, likely accompanied by some kimchi and bulgogi. Fortunately the family already had a few bottles in the fridge and consumed those first, at that point they were quite intoxicated. The husband we'll call him Steve for lack of a more interesting name, had the bright idea of shooting pucks at this bottle of soju. Steve picked up his koho revolution hockey stick and hammered a slapshot which zinged right by Soju's bottle cap (head) and shattered the window of their back door. Now Steve's wife, we'll call her Mary was absolutely livid. She yelled some explicits and went to bed. Steve none deterred by his wife's reaction to the first shot wound up for another. This time he hit Soju square in the label. To his amazement the Soju bottle didn't even flinch the round rubber pancake didn't even leave a mark. 

 

Then suddenly Soju started to tilt back and forth and some sparkles and swirly wind circled around the bottle. Next thing Steve knew Soju started breaking out into song. Singing a rendition of Frosty the Snowman. 

 

"Soju, the bottle was a jolly happy soul
With 12.5% alcohol beverage content and a promise not to drink and drive
And eyes that we're non existent and no mouth as well

Soju, the bottle is a fairy tale, they say
He was made of glass, but Steve knows
That he came to life one day

There must have been some magic
In that old puck Steve found
For when he hit him in the label
He began to dance around

Oh Soju, the bottle was as live as he could be
And the Steve says he could laugh and play goalie
Just the same as you and me

Oh, thumpety, thump, thump, thumpety, thump, thump
Look at Soju go, thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump, over the hills of Seoul

Ah Soju, the bottle knew the people were thirsty that day
So he said, "Let's run and we'll have some fun
Now, before I get consumed"

Down to the village with a goalie stick in his hand
Runnin' here and there, all around the square
Sayin', "Things only a bottle of soju would say"

He led Steve down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
He only paused a moment
When he heard him holler, "Stop"

Because ol' Soju, the bottle, he had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye sayin', "Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day, I'll be back again some day
I'll be back again some day (with a Continental Cup)"

 

The people around the village we're in utter disbelief not understanding how a bottle of soju could hop around town, much less towing around a giant goalie stick twenty times his size. Soju was the talk of the town and Steve and Mary quickly became folk lore. This would be where the career of hockey goalie Soju began. But first Steve and Mary would have to relocate back to Canada to make that dream come true. They chose Montreal as their location of preference and Soju began playing hockey after it took some convincing to prove that a bottle of Soju could even hold a hockey stick let alone tend a goal and learn to play a game with no brain. His coaches and teammates started calling him the 12.5% Ken Dryden, a clear nod to the fact he is a bottle of a soju and his skills in the crease. Soju got to play during the intermission of a Montreal Canadiens game at the Bell Centre, that's when he started to get the attention of pro scouts. "Seriously a bottle of soju this has to be joke." One scout remembers over hearing another. Then the other team rushed the puck up ice and Soju made a miraculous save. You could hear a pin drop in the scouts suite, legend has it their jaws are still on the floor. 

 

 

Relocation to Philadelphia and VHLM Scouting and Draft

 

After proving to the city of Montreal and the internet that he could in fact play goal the Soju family had to relocate again. Because Soju has a speech impediment and the province of Quebec requires all new comers to learn to speak French, Soju was screwed. This time Steve and Mary chose Philadelphia as their preferred destination since they've rarely seen a quality goalie on the ice and the philly cheese steaks are quite yummy. Soju would suit up for Philadelphia HC U16 AAA squad and would back stop them to their second playoff appearance in their seven year existence. However they would be swept by the North Jersey Avalanche. Then Philadelphia Reapers GM @Lemorse7 was in attendance and impressed with the seemingly mythical being stopping pucks left and right and pegged him as a prospect of note for the S93 VHLM Draft. 

 

 

Philadelphia Reapers Career 

 

Soju would be drafted 10th overall in the S93 VHLM Draft to the Philadelphia Reapers. Soju progressed steadily throughout the season and posted a modest goals against average and save percentage. Philadelphia struggled for most of the season to ice a full roster and thus it hurt their overall team morale and place in the standings. Soju stood tall in the playoffs while Philadelphia iced only one defensemen. He become a folk hero in Philly for that series despite the Reapers only winning one game and getting ousted in five. Soju posted a stellar .935 save percentage through the five games. 

 

 

Future

 

What does the future hold for Soju? Some will continue to question his future as a goalie in hockey since he's giving off mythical being vibes and who knows how long the magic will last. A lot of scouts also question how a bottle of Soju can hop around the net and stop players who are ripping the puck at 90-100 miles per hour. Despite all the question marks that remain ahead of him, he has already surpassed all expectations. Bending the laws of physics and what we know to be fact and fiction. 

 

 

846 words (removed the song as most of the lyrics are taken from Frosty the Snowman)