Potentially New Attributes for Players

[Grape 680]

The hybrid attributes were implemented years ago, and while they were cool at the time, anyone can see that the system is somewhat outdated. Everyone knows what attributes are good and what attributes they should avoid, and there really is not much variety in build construction. I feel that the time has come to make some additions to the system. There are some more practical attributes that have real life impact that I feel adding them would benefit the league.

Mewing
This is the act of placing your tongue on the roof of your mouth, which works out the jaw muscle and defines one’s jawline. This attribute would increase a player’s strength, as well as a slight boost in scoring, as the strong jawline increases charisma and could seduce the opposing defenders and netminder, allowing for easy access.

Rizz
This is the innate ability to pull and attract people for the purpose of an affectionate relationship. Obviously this would provide a massive boost in scoring, as your seduction levels would be off the charts and the other team would simply give you the puck and empty the net, in hopes that you will select them as your next concubine.

Edging

This is the act of bringing yourself to the moment of completion only to then stop and allow yourself to return to normal levels, repeating the process until you find it suitable to stop. This would provide the first attribute boosting endurance, which has been built into STHS and untouched, until now. Greater endurance would allow for your player to stay on the ice for longer periods of time, which would be greatly beneficial for players on thin rosters.

Jelqing
This is the practice of stretching yourself to increase your length. This would mainly be a goalie-based attribute, boosting both size and five-hole. Increasing one’s length and surface area would undoubtedly make your player better down low, creating a more butterfly-style tender and thus helping pave the way for the goalie hybrid attributes.

Gambling

Probably the coolest thing someone can do, this is the practice of putting up real currency to play certain games that, if won, will provide with a greater monetary payout than what was originally wagered, allowing for a player to increase their available cash. Boosting the gambling attribute will be unique. Firstly, it will increase a player’s poise and leadership, as one needs to remain stoic, calm, and calculated while gambling, and can be seen as a great inspiration with each of their victories. Secondly, it will passively increase the money a player has available, on top of their contract earnings, allowing them to purchase more from the player store as their career progresses. 

Scamming the Elderly

This is the practice of abusing the reduced cognitive abilities and reason within those of older age for the purpose of personal gain. This will provide a boost in aggressiveness, poise, and leadership. One needs to have the innate aggressiveness of a salesperson in order to truly succeed in this line of work, while also having the calm, well-thought out, and prepared mentality of a chess master in order to fully cash in on your potential. Success will inevitably lead to more people flocking to you and looking to you for guidance, which will help as you will have the foundation to construct pyramid schemes after your illustrious hockey career.

These are but a small handful of potential attributes that will take our league to the next level and capture the interest of the next generation. Are there any other attributes you think should be added?

(597 words)

[AJW 2,157]

I ain’t reading allat