Claimed:A New Challenger Approaches: The Untold Story of Stabby McFullO'Schmidt [Final 10/10]

[John Scott 46]

A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES

The Untold Story of Stabby McFullO’Schmidt

 

By Dick Shivers

 

 

               Stabby McFullO’Schmidt, the 6’8”, 240lb defenseman who is currently tearing through the ranks of the Victory minor league, has endured a long, winding road to make it to where he is today. I have had the chance to research Stabby’s strange upbringing to give you an exclusive look at his past, his present and his probable future. Let us take a look.

 

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS

 

 

               Stabby McFullO’Schmidt’s player profile lists his hometown as Vatican City. Now, that should not be confused with the Catholic papal state located in the center of Rome, although many make that mistake. Stabby was born in a dumpster behind a New Hampshire 7-11 that shared a parking lot with “Vatican City XXX”; a nude gentleman’s club that employed former nuns who had left the Church to explore their exhibitionism.

 

 

               The ladies of Vatican City XXX, never fully being able to give up their compassion, gratuity and understanding they learned in the Church, took Stabby in and raised him as their own. The ladies taught Stabby everything he knew: from reading and writing to working the cash register at the 24 hour Bacon Buffet (Except during Lent, when it was turned into a Fish Fry Bar). Stabby grew up without a name until age 5, when he took the sharp end of a crucifix and stabbed a John at the club who shortchanged the most beautiful dancer at the club: Angel Magdaline; earning his namesake in the process.

 

 

               From that moment on, Stabby was taught how to be a bouncer. Just as Stabby’s mothers took care of him as a baby, he took care of the dancers. His mothers quickly learned of Stabby’s penchant for Stabbing, and nurtured him into a man who knew when to take the knife into his own hands.

 

               “I was protecting my family.” Stabby confidently stated. “I learned from a young age that the world is a harsh place, and I had to grow up pretty fast. My mothers were the most caring people in my life, and I was lucky to use my talents in a way that helped them put bread on the table and support our little family.”

 

               With Stabby’s strange upbringing, it comes as no surprise that he failed out of the 3^rd grade three times. Stabby was still allowed to continue his education, but that privilege was quickly revoked when he stabbed the son of a John who dumped one of his mothers just the day before. (Literal dump, in Canada. With no passport. He also shit on her chest and didn’t pay for it.) While Stabby will go to the grave justifying his actions, the School Board would never let him within 1000 feet of a school building for the rest of his life.

 

 

               Stabby turned full time to working the club. He learned valuable life lessons during his tenure at Vatican City XXX: including hard work, integrity, and how to pierce a John’s side vein so hard that he would need Viagra to get it past half chubbs ever again. Stabby was happy at the club; he was needed, he was smarter than anyone else in the building, and he truly felt like he had a home.

 

A DARK TIME INDEED

 

               As all good times must come to an end, so did Stabby’s time at Vatican City XXX. While making a run for jalapeno chips on the day before his 18^th birthday, he came back to find the entire club set ablaze. Through what most would call a holy fire or divine intervention (but was actually Tammy’s mistake for trying to up her showmanship with pyrotechnics bought (read: stolen) from the abandoned fireworks factory upstate mixed with an unholy amount of bacon grease saved for Tammy’s estranged boyfriend, Big Pig Rick. Fuckin’ Tammy.), Stabby was left with no home, no family and nowhere else to turn.

 

 

               “I lived there all my life and never got to truly experience what made Vatican City XXX truly great. It . . . I’m sorry. I just . . . I can’t believe it all had to end like that.”

 

               Stabby took odd jobs to make ends meet. He stabbed people for money, he stabbed people for food. He even stabbed someone for half a lobster roll that someone sneezed into. Stabby was forced to turn to his training to simply survive in the harsh world he looked to protect others from. Stabby was alone.

 

 

THE HOLY RINK

 

               One day, Stabby came across what we in the stabbin’ business like to call a Whale. The frail, old man was carrying heavy, black bags outside of an abandoned warehouse when Stabby looked to do the only thing he knew how to do. Stabby approached the man and went in for the first blow when the man screamed bloody mary, errm, I mean murder. Bloody Mary was actually a dancer at the club and I don’t feel comfortable talking about how she earned her name. But he screamed bloody murder.

 

               “Don’t do this… I can help,” the man pleaded. “I know you’ve had a rough life, but you can stab people for money, for power, for fame. Just… give me a chance.”

 

               Stabby, in a move that surprised literally no one, decided to stab him anyway. However, since Stabby needed contact lenses and could never get them in (see the stabbing), he missed and struck open the bag. Inside there were hockey skates, pucks, and sticks. He reached down to pick up what he thought was a lobster roll when he grabbed gloves.

 

               “What are these?” Stabby asked.

 

               “The key to your future.” The man replied.

 

 

               Stabby spared the man and he took him inside the abandoned warehouse. Inside there was half of a hockey rink and a Quiznos that somehow hadn’t closed yet. Stabby became the apprentice to the old man; learning how to skate, how to hit, and most importantly, how to fight. Stabby lived on a cot in the corner of the rink and practiced every single day. The old man would come out and teach Stabby the fundamentals, from slew-footing, stick slinging and the occasional jumping hit to target the head. Stabby was a force to be reckoned with, and his natural ability for stabbing was a catalyst for playing angles and delivering deadly blows. He was going to be a legend, the old man just knew it.

 

THE END OF THE ICE, THE BEGINNING OF… NEW ICE

 

               Stabby woke up one morning and the old man was nowhere to be found. Stabby had grown accustomed to the sound of his skates on the ice to wake him for practice, but today was different. Stabby looked throughout the rink: in the stands, behind the pin-ups, at the Quiznos (“NO I DON’T WANNA TRY THE PESTO CEASAR ON PRETZEL BREAD; THAT’S FUCKING DISGUSTING). The old man was nowhere to be found.

 

 

               Stabby stepped outside for a smoke when he saw him: keeled over in front of his station wagon and gasping for air. Stabby ran to his side.

 

               “DON’T STAB ME,” the man screamed.

 

               “I won’t. Not this time,” Stabby recalled.

 

               The man was on his last leg. Stabby could tell that an ambulance would never be there in time, and the Quiznos employee’s CPR training was worthless because he just smoked weed with the dummy the whole time.

 

               “You’re gonna be a legend, kid. I put your name in for the VHLM draft. Do there what you’ve been working on for so long, and make me proud.”

 

               “But… I… I don’t. I can’t. I’m a fighter, not a player,” Stabby cried out.

 

               “Then just take as many of them down as you can. You’ll make it, I believe in you.”

 

               The old man was quickly heading towards the light. Stabby was in shock, but came to a quick realization.

 

               “What’s your name? I’ve known you for so long but I don’t know your name. SPEAK TO ME OLD MAN!”

 

               “The name’s Ted,” he said with his final breath.

 

               “Ted Lindsay.”

 

 

TODAY

 

               Stabby vowed to make his mentor proud. Through a season and a half in the VHLM, Stabby has shown that he can not only fight, but play a mean game that is vital for success in the VHL. After going undrafted, Stabby signed with the Calgary Wranglers and hopes to one day make it to the big club to show to the world that Mr. Lindsay was right: that he will one day become a legend.

 

 

WORD COUNT: 1425

[Laflamme 376]

Content: 5/5- Great Article. Cant wait to watch your player grow and become a huge part of the VHL. Keep up the good work. 

 

Grammar: 3/3 - Good Job. 

 

Presentation: 1/1 - Everything looks good on the presentation front.

 

Over 1000 Words? 1/1

 

Overall: 10/10

[Kendrick 4,741]

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