Claimed: The Life Aquatic of Aeschylus Jigglejawns CXXXVIII

[.sniffuM 1,741]

 

The Life and Times of Sir Aeschylus Jigglejawns CXXXVIII, Esq., PhD., DDS

 

Full Name: Aeschylus BubbleTime Jigglejawns CXXXVIII

Position: RD

Age: 20

Handedness: Right

Height (inches): 6'8"

Weight (lbs.): 235

Birthplace: Thebes, Greece

 

Introduction

 

Aeschylus Jigglejawns CXXXVIII has been destined for greatness since the day before he was conceived. The lineage of the famous Greek namesake traces back 3,056 years, to King Aeschylus, first of his name, of house Jigglejawns, who united Greece amidst great turmoil between their well-known Gods. King Aeschylus decided to name his son after himself, and the line of Aeschyluses continued to reign as Kings of Greece until Aeschylus XII was like fuck that shit, kings are wack. In fact, every single Aeschylus Jigglejawns, throughout history, has been great, inventing things like soccer, pillows, water, the Yankees, that system that lets drawers pull in and out seamlessly, the Italian Mafia, and the Xbox. Everything changed, however, when Aeschylus Jigglejawns CXXXIV, an incomparable accountant, tried to game the system.

Aeschylus I was packin'.

 

See, Aeschylus CXXXIV was dealing with a conundrum no Aeschylus before him had ever seen: his first son was one of two twins. Not wanting to consign one of his newborn sons to a life lived in a massive shadow because he popped out thirty seconds late, Aeschylus CXXXIV decided to give his name to both of his sons. The skies split at the site of one Aeschylus fathering two Aeschyluses, instantly taking Aeschylus CXXXIV (accountants can’t hang) and damning the elder twin Aeschylus CXXXV to a life of misery. He grew up with four arms but no hands, and six feet but no legs. He went on to invent porn, before dying at 19 after being struck by a car (which his grandfather had invented).

 

 

The younger twin Aeschylus CXXXVI lived on, but had no outstanding qualities. He was shy, slow, meek, and just the worst at parties. How he ever got around to getting laid is a mystery, and may have been his greatest accomplishment, as he died at 43, the first ever Aeschylus to do nothing of note. Still, he was able to sire Aeschylus CXXXVII, who went on to be a second round pick in the VHL by the Stockholm Vikings. After three years of treating hockey as his side-hustle to his mildly-impressive EDM music career, Jigglejawns chose to retire, replaced almost immediately by his son, who is somehow only two years his junior.

Childhood

 

The 20-year-old Aeschylus Jigglejawns CXXXVIII comes into the VHL playing the same defenseman position as his bust of a father. Early signs show that young Aeschylus CXXXVIII, who prefers to go by AJCXXXVIII, is a much more promising hockey prospect than his father, however. Strapped with a hearty 6-foot-8, 235-pound frame, AJCXXXVIII is a less physical, more offensive version of his predecessor. One of the most promising signs for our young hero is that, unlike his dad, he grew up playing junior hockey outside of Greece, admittedly not a powerhouse in the sport.

 

 

AJCXXXVIII first started playing hockey at the age of six. Using an orange as the puck, a two-by-four as the stick and a slightly-ajar backpack as the goal, young AJCXXXVIII would play the game with his friends, often shifting the rules to allow him to dominate his much smaller colleagues. Unbeknownst to him, most of the rules he added to their game, like checking and the pulling of the goalie, were already rules of the actual sport. AJCXXXVIII saw that his son could be destined for greatness, so the then-nine year old scrounged up all the money he could to send his seven-year-old son to nearby Italy to play junior hockey.

Italy

 

Going to Italy was quite an adjustment for AJCXXXVIII, banging hookers and living in a small apartment on a meager income. He made that money juggling oranges on the street, but as his hockey skills developed he saw an opportunity making money off of taking insane trick shots. In his first year of junior hockey in Italy, AJCXXXVIII was a mess, as he had never skated before, aside from the one time he out-900ed Tony Hawk at the X-Games. As a result, AJCXXXVIII barely played in his first game, and didn’t play at all in the one game his father came to see when his music career took him on tour to Italy fifteen years before EDM was even a concrete thing. After the game the elder Aeschylus saw his son, clearly downtrodden, but told him that he was so proud of him anyway. That fueled AJCXXXVIII to push twice as hard.

 

 

In his second year in Italy, AJCXXXVIII improved greatly. In 28 games, he managed 35 points, with 14 goals. That goalscoring total led all defensemen in the junior league, as our young hero had developed the most feared slapshot this side of Naples. After seeing how far he had come in just one year, it was clear to AJCXXXVIII that he was on pace to outgrow his surroundings, and quickly. As such, he decided to take his talents to somewhere much colder, where the kids grow up either playing hockey or getting hit by cars in dash cam videos. At the age of nine, AJCXXXVIII took his talents to South Russia.

Russia

 

It took three years for Aeschylus CXXXVIII to even get into a game for his junior Russian team. The coaches and players didn’t take him seriously, despite him being bigger than every other player on the team, because of his Greek roots. One game, however, three defensemen on the team had left the team to become beatboxers, and the coach had no other choice but to play AJCXXXVIII. And boy, did he play.

 

 

He came into his first appearance to start the second period, and in eight minutes of ice time, took six shots. Of those six, four scored, and the other two knocked out the opponent’s starting and backup goalie, resulting in a fear-forfeit. AJCXXXVIII’s teammates offered to lift him up on their shoulders, Rudy-style, but he refused, dropped the mic, and left Russia forever.

Canada

 

After two years of living on the lam, building houses for the poor, AJCXXXVIII resurfaced in Canada, signing into the Manitoba Junior Hockey League at the age of 15. Playing for the Waywayseecappo Wolverines, who had finished last in the league the year prior, he led them to a mighty 51-3-6 record, inconceivably leading the league with 44 goals, and managing 109 points. After dominating the MJHL, AJCXXXVIII grew bored of the league and its lack of other ridiculously-named locations for teams. Over the next four years, Jigglejawns became a spot player for the team, appearing in just 57 of their 240 games in that span. In those 57 games, however, he logged 66 goals and 141 points, leading the team to a 56-0-1 record in his appearances (the OT loss was totally rigged though).

 

The Future

 

Having spent years and years on the junior circuit, moving between three different countries, AJCXXXVIII decided it was finally time to turn pro, and submitted his name for the VHL after watching his father fail to make an impact in the prestigious league. If his history is any indication, VHL players better watch out, because they’re about to be hit by the hurricane that is Aeschylus Jigglejawns CXXXVIII.