The Asthmatic Adventures of Foreskin Man, Part 1

[Gustav 6,407]

Begin scene with a black screen. We hear, quite audibly and clearly, the sound of crinkling cellophane, and we might even hear the slightest hint of a few crumbs being rustled about the bottom of the bag. This noise persists for a few seconds, then continues at a slightly lower volume as a man's voice begins to be heard along with the cellophane.

 

VOICE: Ah, God--shit. Dammit.

 

Cut to a view from the inside of an empty bag of Cheetos. At first, all we see is a yellowed ceiling, in slightly washed-out light, which is then obstructed partially by a hand, fingers heavily coated in orange powder, making one final attempt at extricating the last bits of fried goodness. It's OK if the camera is jostled about a bit here; just not too much. The hand withdraws from the bag, which we see, still from the inside, being tipped up and emptied into the man's mouth. The camera comes out of the bag with the powder, falling towards the man's mouth with very little rotation, just enough that, as the shot quickly goes to slow motion, we manage to catch a small amount of light from the surrounding room at the edge of the screen before the camera falls into the man's mouth, visibly showing signs of poor dental hygiene, and the speed of the shot returns to normal. The man's mouth closes, and the screen once again cuts to black.

 

 

Cut to a shot of a waste bucket in the corner of a room, and begin playing "All Star" by Smash Mouth. On the second syllable of "somebody," a bag of Cheetos, crushed into a ball, hits the rim of the bucket and bounces onto the floor, half out of the frame. "All Star" continues to play under the following.

 

VOICE: Shit.

 

We hear the creak of bedsprings, followed by a few footsteps, then the creak of a floorboard as the man's HAND, the same one as before, extends into the frame to pick up the bag. The bag is again thrown at the bucket, from a shorter distance, and hits the rim again, bouncing much closer to the bucket this time. Roll the following credits as the man walks into the frame, inaudibly mumbles a bit, picks up the bucket and smells its contents, and places the bag inside:

 

VHL FILMS PRESENTS

 

A GUSTAVMATTIAS PRODUCTION

 

STARRING @Esso2264

 

THE ASTHMATIC ADVENTURES OF FORESKIN MAN

 

"THE ASTHMATIC ADVENTURES OF FORESKIN MAN" remains on-screen as the MAN turns around. He is on the shorter side, heavy-set, with dark but slightly balding hair and a not-recently-trimmed beard. He seems to stare at nothing for a bit, then seems to look at the text on-screen. At this, he grabs the text out of the air and throws it to the top of the frame. It hits there, and sticks there after a slight rebound, with a crash, and at this, "All Star" immediately stops. The MAN looks directly into the camera.

 

MAN: Yeah, that's right. Jesus. Foreskin Man? [gestures toward text; Cheeto dust still visible on fingers] Who the hell decided that would be a good name? Apparently somebody did, cause now I'm stuck with it. [The MAN shall now be known as FORESKIN MAN, or FM] Yeah, my name is Keven Foreskin. I don't know what kind of idiot decided on that. My parents decided to name me "Kevin," and in case that isn't bad enough, they went and spelled it wrong. And then, I'm stuck with the last name "Foreskin." Their last name is Adams; why can't I be Adams? Nope, I guess I'm Foreskin. My sister was Adams. My brother was Adams. And I'm not the favorite child.

 

FM turns away, and begins to walk out of the frame to the left. The text on the top fades out.

 

FM then suddenly turns back and looks at the camera again.

 

FM: Oh yeah, and am I circumcised? That's none of your damn business.

 

FM turns away again, and again begins to walk out of the frame. Resume play of "All Star."

 

 

Cut to a view of FM's front door. The inside of the door is a slightly faded white, matching the color of the surrounding wall. There is an oval-shaped window on the door, with panes of glass, distorted enough to make out a general picture of the street but nothing more. FM enters the frame from the right, wearing a dark olive-green backpack with the straps just a bit too loose, opens the door, and walks out. As he is doing so, we notice that the outside of the door has recently been painted a dark red, and the doorknob on the outside is much nicer-looking than the one on the inside. We see a small, but not too small, front lawn, with neatly-cut grass and a sidewalk running by near the street. There is a walkway directly from the door out to the sidewalk, but off to the right we see the end of a driveway, but only the end. FM closes the door, and the shot remains on the door's window as we can tell that he is making his way down the walkway towards the sidewalk. FM reaches the sidewalk, and all at once, we hear screeching tires and a car can quickly be seen moving in FM's direction as he begins to attempt to jump out of the way. It is clear that FM has been hit by the car, but the screen cuts to black before that much is seen.

 

 

Part 2 of possibly many coming up sometime.