Chad Magnum Junior Review

[Corco 1,247]

Junior Review

 

The Early Years - Magnum was born to a Dutch chin model and an American Instagram influencer on the Isle of Man in whatever year makes sense for the current VHL timeline and/or person reading this. Chad learned how to skate before he could walk, literally. His parents took him to an Olympic Figure Skating qualifying match at the two weeks old, and during the final round he crawled onto the rink, stole a pair of figure skates, and proceeded to perform a textbook Iron Lotus maneuver, becoming the only person in history aside from Chazz MichaelMichaels and Jimmy McElroy to perform the move without dying; he scored all perfect 10's. To this day, he is still unable to walk, as he only learned how to skate; he can be found skating everywhere he goes; it's tragic really.

 

Pre-VHLM Career - At the age of 8 months old, Chad Magnum received an offer from former VHL franchise and now member of the Swedish Elite League, Vasteras, to be their #1 Center. Despite barely being able to not poop his diapers, the Iron Eagles had faith in the young stud, and boy did he ever deliver; in his rookie season, the toddler managed to score an astonishing 649 points in only 40 games, shattering any and all previous records with an average of 16 points per game. Magnum was unstoppable, laying out bone-crushing hits, terrorizing goalies, and banging opponent's wives all before his 1st birthday; when asked about his prolific season, all Magnum had to say was "goo goo ga ga". Truly an icon. 

 

Life wouldn't be all sunshine and daisies for long though, as an extremely unfortunate on-ice bowel accident occurred in a scrimmage game against another former VHL franchise, the Oslo Screaming Seamen; Magnum was blazing his way up the ice for his 18th breakaway of the game when he noticed an opposing fan jingling his car keys behind the glass behind the opposing net. The 11-month old saw them and became fixated, before getting so excited about seeing that he shit his pants. Magnum became the laughingstock of the league after this, and at every rink he went to thereafter, would be mercilessly heckled and laughed at, to the point where he could no longer even score a point. He would finish the season with a -523 rating, as his presence on the ice was enough for the Iron Eagles to break down in tears of laughter, allowing the other team to score at will.  It was at this point that Magnum left the sport of hockey, as his embarrassment was far too severe for him to continue playing...Until Now