Don't Bother Reading

[Ledge 1,131]

       What can I say, I warned you? I wrote this while not intoxicated, alas still not quite level in the head. Should you continue, keep that in mind.

 

 

 

        In this extremely immersive virtual reality experiment, you, the test subject, will be interviewing Istanbul Red Wolves left winger Cobalt Burns while our scientists evaluate and make notes on your interactions with the artificial environment around you. You will be generously compensated with slices of lemon meringue pie of significant proportion, provided you give the scientists a quality interview. The dimensions of the slices of pie will, of course, match the amount of effort and thought you put into the interview questions. Best of luck, and give Mr Burns our regards.

 

          The headset and voluptuous silk VR gadgets are placed upon your person. 

 

          You are blinded by a flash of light, and as your vision returns, you look around to see Cobalt Burns, looking absolutely fabulous in a maroon tux, awaiting your questions. Practically already tasting the sweet lemon meringue on your tongue, you begin with the questions.

 

Q - Istanbul is pretty high in the standings yo, why they so high cuh?

 

A - Cuz we the best yo, nothin else to it. No one come close to us jit

 

Q - Very good, at the very least satisfactory. Who’s really been pulling their weight around there?

 

A - I mean, we got like 5 guys in the top 10 in points in the league, so it’s for sure a team effort yo. The tendies, daredevil and Shaun Young, are, like, the best in the biz, and they like share the crease yo

 

Q - That’s great to hear, really fantastic, yo. Downright stupendous. I hear you got 53 penalty minutes jit, what’s goin on wit dat?

 

A - Ey ya know bruv, it da tings get rough, ya know I’m on top of the pile ja? Nothin beats a little skatey punchy on Saturday night innit

 

Q - Alright, you can only pay me so much, I’m not talking like I’m crazy blazed anymore. I want that sweet lemon meringue. Where you finna play next season?

 

A - Let’s just say that while Istanbul has been a blast, I’m ready for the next level. Every time I look at my Titans hat I think about how I could be wearing that jersey and bringing the Continental Cup back to Helsinki. It’s a huge motivator to really kick ass this season with the Wolves, but ultimately yeah, I’m gonna play in the VHL. 

 

Q - Alright, that’s great, that’s great, that’s really fuckin good, I’m so happy for you mate. Good lad. I have to ask, I looked at your stats from the World Juniors last offseason……you got anything to say?

 

A - I don’t wanna talk about it. My ice time in those games…..I just don’t wanna talk about it. I’ll get Canada the World Cup next time that comes around. Next question.

 

Q - Boy you short as hell boy, why you so short?

 

A - If you want that pie you better shut the hell up and get on with this interview you skink

 

Q - Okokokokok. Uh what song do you listen to before games?

 

A - That’s a lame ass question, no way you’re getting this pie jit.

 

Q - You didn’t answer my question bro

 

A - Ask a better question then bro

 

Q - This is a privilege for you, okay? The only reason you’re here is because of this stupid experiment. No one else wanted to interview you 

 

A - I hate to break it to you but those labcoats running the experiments are paying me with more pie than you numnuts

 

Q - This is ridiculous. Go [removed] a donkey

 

A - I’m gonna go eat my pie now, sweet dreams you fuckin rooster

 

          As you rip the headset off your face you are once again blinded for some reason, and when your vision returns you see the scientists all crowded around you looking very disappointed. One of them beckons at a sad little slice of pie no wider than your index finger on a sad, metal plate. You are given a sad metal fork and told to eat the pie. You gobble that pie down to reveal the image etched into the bottom of the plate; Burns enjoying his slice of pie, easily the size of your forearm. Filled with rage, you smash the plate on the ground as you have been soundly defeated by the great Cobalt Burns.

TL;DR - Read the article, it's not that long
 

That concludes my 700+ word media spot. I have zero doubt you have never read anything like it, and will only ever see it again next time I let my fingers gracefully surf the keyboard. Happy belated birthday.

[Spartan 4,531]

My head hurts

[KaleebtheMighty 1,539]

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