Womp's Back

[AdamEss 58]

Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr stands at the podium facing the press.

 

"Playoffs? You wanna talk about playoffs?! Fuck yeah! We are up to 6th now and climbing every week. We did our time in the dirt and now we are climbing , gaining momentum, and racking up points left and right and the excuse I hear form grumbling idiots in other sweaters is that we have an easy schedule right now. No shit, Melvin Einstein. We're playing the games YOU already played. You and your teams already got to have these cakewalk games while we were battling fuckin Vegas and Ottawa for a month straight. And now we get to finally have them too. Of course, most of y'all got to play them before the teams got all those extra boosts from waiver wire players so even then we're playing harder versions anyway. So if you have a single solitary complaint that your teams are all getting passed by us because of these games, you're more than welcome to eat my gorgeous nuts. And Houston. Ooooooh Houston. I told your asses. I told you you were empty. I told you you were gonna fall. And you did. I would argue that you got the easiest schedule in the entire league but that wouldn't be fair and if anything else, Womp is a fair man. You clearly couldn't have the easiest schedule. You can't play yourself!

 

He laughs to himself. and then points at the crowd.

 

"Any questions?"

 

Several hands go up and people start chattering.

 

"I didn't say I was gonna answer them! I just asked if you had any. Now listen. We're gettin' near the end of the season and as we ramp up to our best hockey, I'm absolutely looking at how far we climb before the start of playoffs. matchups make wins after all. This team is firing on all cylinders right now at the right time. This is a team that started the year hard getting smacked around on a nightly basis by the best teams in the league while we were still finding our identity. This is a team that never quit, even when it would've been so damn easy. Then the vultures came circling, looking for meat to pick off the bones. They told this team it was done and tried to grab assets. Well I already told them to kiss my assets. Those vultures started to look worried. They're backing off. They're looking for easier prey. Because this King might've fallen but this King also got the fuck back up! And in case you forgot that old wisdom, let me remind you. If you come at the King you best not miss. Well you came early. Maybe a problem you have, I don't know. But the King....the King ain't dead. In fact the King started fighting. Started winning. Started whooping that ass like a drum kit. And now we got some reinforcements just like everyone did. Coming in at the right time. Giving us those boosts on top of the momentum we already had. And now the vultures are nowhere to be seen. Now its fanfare and accolades and verbal blowjobs about how we righted the ship. We're a King not a boat, get your goddamn metaphors in order. Hell, get your affairs in order. Because we're coming for you. We're coming for your barn. We're coming for your sweater. We're coming for the cup. We're coming for the throne. And unlike most of yall I already mentioned, we don't suffer from premature hockeylation. We're coming to the playoffs. Hail to the King bitch. Womp out."

He turns and walks away.