Womp Returns

[AdamEss 58]

"Namaste"

 

Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr. bows before the press corps and smiles for all.

 

"Hello my friends. It is good to see you."

 

The room is silent as the collected reporters process the unexpected calm from one of the loudest players in the VHLE.

 

"Today I must tell you a story in lieu of any questions. My lack of presence as of late has been personal and necessary to clear up many of the unfortunate negatives of my day to day world. There was a moment that changed ever aspect of my being and now that truth stands before you. The journey was arduous and often frustrating but most necessary changes are. I have taken up greater exercise and diet habits, get more sleep than ever before, feel better than I have in years, and rarely drink before 10am anymore. My life has never been as rewarding or peaceful as it now is. I have found my center, my personal balance, and even found Jesus. We had a great night before we parted ways after a lovely dinner and two sensible bottles of organic wine. Jesus Martinez, my old classmate.  Wonderful human being and a fantastic barber. Booked three weeks in advance. It was lovely to go back to that boy I once was in Vancouver before life changed me. Before hockey. Before the loss of so many Womps. Before the mill accident that sawed my grandfather in half. He survived just long enough to ask my grandmother to out him in two coffins. Sadly she could not make it to the funeral as she had to work his shifts. Such is life on the great spinning flat ball that is Earth. Never will I forget the words she spoke to me before she too passed from the world. She told me that there was no way that shark could jump that far up to get her. Just goes to show you how often the unexpected finds us. As it found me one afternoon when someone said the immortal words that changed everything. I found you a friend."

 

He beams a smile and looks off for just a moment.

 

"I went over to the TV to see what he meant and that was the first time I saw and heard Ellis Woolfenden. I watched hm and listened to what he had to say and it was that earth shattering moment that spoke to me louder than any before. Only a few moments of hearing him speak to the people, seeing how he handled himself with others really told me all I needed to know. I had to get my life together if people thought I was anything like this insufferable handjob gone wrong. When you get compared to a moldy cheese lump from the back of the crisper drawer at the bottom of the fridge you have two real options. Embrace the fact that you're the type of person even Mr. Rogers would be disappointed n or change. I will forever be indebted to that puckered asshole of a person for showing me exactly what needed to happen. And now....my life is better for it. Thank you for your time and remember that the Watchmen have barely gotten started."

He bows again, hands clasped together in front of him, and exits.

[Tetricide 695]

What happened to my boy Womp