Claimed:The Unknowns of the Lynx

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Dark horse Dirk Firkley has scored an amazing 12 pts in his 9 games played, yet carries with him the burden of the second worst +/- in the league. At -21, he is a staggering 20 points below the next worst +/- on his roster, Dylan Raseri. With such a radical difference between the players, it begs the question, how is this even possible? 

 

A quick look at the statistics reveals a strange anomaly: Of the 9 goals Dirk has scored, 10 pts have gone to “Unknown Players”, and similarly, another 4 pts were earned by “Unknown Players” on his 3 assists. Indeed, the only point earned by any known player on the roster has been an assist by goalie Coca Cola!  Looking at the depth chart, these stats come as less of a surprise. Dirk plays RW on line 3 with 2 unknown defenders, and C on line 4, with a staggering 4 big question marks. Our mission today is to put a face to some of these “?”s and, as a result, convince them that stopping goals actually *does* matter.

 

Without further ado, the Unknowns:

 

Arnold McDonald (LW):

 

Arnold plays D on line 3, and RW on line 4. He also has some serious problems.  In the locker room, or any time he can get near a camera, the half-brother of famous Ronald insists that billion dollar corporation McDonald’s made a mistake. “I was in the shower,” begins his mantra, “when the call came. When that stupid Arnold picked up the phone and changed our lives…” No one knows the end of his spiel, because who wants to hear that level of misguided self-pity, but Arnold insists on wearing full makeup at every hour of the day. His insistence on wearing the clown get-up has inhibited his on ice performance, and cut into his much needed practice hours, which could explain his effect on Firkley’s +/-.

 

Annie Dowell (D):

 

Annie has a lot of spunk for a 13 year old girl, and a surprising ability to skate; however, at the end of it, she is a 13 year old girl.  If you would ask how a 5’1”, 99lb player stacks up against the hulking 6”+ athletes of the VHLM, the answer would be terribly, and you would be correct.  Still, Annie is a definite fan favourite and loves to help anyone with their math up to a grade 7 level.  She plays D on lines 1 and 4.

 

Tyson “Socrates” Anderson (RW):

 

He’s a borderline genius, but that doesn’t mean he belongs in the VHLM. This, unfortunately, is not a criticism of Socrates Anderson, but a personal quote after a particularly bad game against the Gladiators. Socrates, who plays D on line 2 and LW on line 4, would much rather contemplate the societal ramifications of a team who fields both a 13 year old girl and a full grown man who insists on clown makeup.  But he’s still a nice guy.

 

 

The True Unknown (D):

 

This enigma has been a serious problem for the Lynx. Diagnosed with “shape shifting abilities” and wearing a bag over his head, it is impossible to tell if the True Unknown is even the same player game in and game out. “It’s ludicrous,” the coach commented, “I tell him one thing and he forgets it the very next game.”  The plot thickens, as our research team uncovered a letter to the commissioner stating: “I think I saw a Wild player slip a bag on his head and change jerseys in game 8.  That might explain why he was shooting the puck the wrong way down the ice…”.  While the allegations cannot be confirmed, they certainly lend themselves to caution around True Unknown. With such an unstable biography, it comes a wonder that he plays D on both lines 3 and 4.

 

That concludes the exposé on the colourful Lynx roster. Hopefully, without the shroud of anonymity, these players will make the time to actually improve their game and ideally, lead to a few more notches in the W column for the struggling team.  Or at the very, very least, help Dirk with his abysmal +/-.

 

(Bonus trivia: the worst +/- in the league is Joseph Baker from the Outlaws at -22). 

[Da Trifecta 1,896]

Content: 3/3 It's fun reading about the people that are "unknown". I have never heard of these people but now know who they are.

Grammar: 2/2 Nothing really here

Appearance: 1/1

 

FINAL: 6/6

[James 77]

Claimed