A very real discussion about life and the messiness of death.

[JCarson 730]

A friend of mine contacted me this morning and let me know his father passed away during the night. The deceased was in his 90’s and had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, it wasn’t a surprise to anyone, yet it is still a sad day. I am not writing to expound on the sadness of death or that diseases like cancer suck. We all know that it is true, there is no discussion on that point, no argument that can be had. 

 

I was lucky that I could spend some time with my friend a couple of days ago, we had gotten together with a few others and sat in one of our backyards around a slightly larger than roaring fire. (As a side note dry Christmas Trees make great bonfire fuel). I picked him up at his place and drove the 25 minutes to the location of our pyrotechnics. It gave us a terrific opportunity to talk.  

 

If you haven’t had a loved one diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, then count yourself lucky. The rest of this article is not going to make much sense to you. For those of you who have watched a loved one slowly decline, have their body and/or mind ripped from them and yet they lived on for some time only waiting for the inevitable death. I’m sorry. I know what it is like, I have faced it more than once. You see my mother passed away over two decades ago after a 10-year battle with ovarian, cervical, bladder and bowel cancer. My mother-in-law faced a multi-year battle with Alzheimer's before she passed. I have met people who want to debate which option is better, having your body decline or having your mind decline, having witnessed both, neither is a better option. 

 

So, I have created a 300-word preamble to what I was hoping to discuss. In my talk with my friend, while we drove to get to the place where we were going to be for the evening, I had the opportunity to address a profoundly serious topic and came to find out that I gave an especially important piece of advice that he mentioned to me today. While we talked, I asked him not only about how his father was doing which really was only being polite, I already knew, but I asked how he was doing. Not surprising I got the polite answer originally, “I’m tired, but I’m doing okay.” Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t, but I remembered when I was facing a similar situation and I thought about how I was feeling at the time. You see sadness wasn’t the biggest issue I faced, and in talking with others after I learned that for many people, sadness isn’t the biggest issue. It is guilt. Regardless of who you are and how much you care for the person who is battling the disease, at some point you come to the realization that their death is the best option. Now I am not getting into the political debate over euthanasia. What I am discussing is handling our mental health through traumatic situations like watching a loved one suffer and die. 

 

The fact that the thought comes up is not that we want our loved one's dead, it is the fact that we want their suffering to end. We want them to maintain a level of dignity even in their last moments. We want to, maybe selfishly, remember them in their prime where all the good memories exist. That is not something to feel guilty about. It is by nature your mind realizing that the only outcome that gives your loved one peace is the one situation that will give you the greatest grief. 

 

If you are in the midst of this right now, all I can say is I am terribly sorry. It is not easy, there is no simple solution. It will hurt. Know that you are not alone even though you feel you are. Talk to someone, be honest with them and yourself. You will get through this, and you will be able to remember your loved one for all the good they gave you in life. It will take time, healing always does. 

[Spartan 4,408]

@JCarson I saw this a few days ago and briefly skimmed a bit at the top before moving on, not wanting to read much about the pain of loss. Didn't even read down to see your core topic was about Alzheimer's. Your article popped back into my mind this morning, this time a bit more heavy hitting after I found out my grandfather with Alzheimer's passed this morning. You're absolutely right with the general sentiment here. I've seen two great grandmothers suffer for 10+ years each with the same disease. It doesn't get much easier seeing those you love and the ones closest to them deal with this horrible burden 24 hours a day. 

 

Obviously you wish you had the ones you love but to go as quickly as possible at that point is just the most you can hope for. Our family has walked on pins and needles for the past year as my grandfather's condition worsened, never knowing when an emergency trip would be needed. Just a few months ago, my father had to travel overseas on a couple day's notice to support my grandparents who were just overwhelmed with the care needed. We canceled vacations, family time, missed special events just because we were scared and just in the dark for what could happen the next day. It's still a lot to process but I'm just glad he's not going to suffer like others I know. 

 

Thank you for this piece, truly. The timing of your post was right when I needed it.

[JCarson 730]

6 hours ago, Spartan said:

@JCarson I saw this a few days ago and briefly skimmed a bit at the top before moving on, not wanting to read much about the pain of loss. Didn't even read down to see your core topic was about Alzheimer's. Your article popped back into my mind this morning, this time a bit more heavy hitting after I found out my grandfather with Alzheimer's passed this morning. You're absolutely right with the general sentiment here. I've seen two great grandmothers suffer for 10+ years each with the same disease. It doesn't get much easier seeing those you love and the ones closest to them deal with this horrible burden 24 hours a day. 

 

Obviously you wish you had the ones you love but to go as quickly as possible at that point is just the most you can hope for. Our family has walked on pins and needles for the past year as my grandfather's condition worsened, never knowing when an emergency trip would be needed. Just a few months ago, my father had to travel overseas on a couple day's notice to support my grandparents who were just overwhelmed with the care needed. We canceled vacations, family time, missed special events just because we were scared and just in the dark for what could happen the next day. It's still a lot to process but I'm just glad he's not going to suffer like others I know. 

 

Thank you for this piece, truly. The timing of your post was right when I needed it.

My condolences on your loss.