How many times has Ivan been FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY?

[eagle_3450 278]

At this point, almost every long term member of this league should know how ridiculous Ivan Retoslav's career has been. Ivan, for no reason at all, has become one of the most consistent players in VHL history, even now, sitting at only 688 TPA, he is on track to pu tup yet another point per game season. This story however, occurs just before Ivan began his streak of consistency. In his first season, Ivan had 33 points in 72 games. A small total yes, but not horrible for a rookie testing out an experimental build. The next season, Ivan managed to put up 67 points, more than doubling his point total alongside a complete revamp of his playstyle. Seeing such a massive increase, one may think that Ivan would be a shoe-in for the Season 85 Funk Vote, or that he would at least be considered for the trophy. What actually happened? You ask? Well, Ivan not only did not get a single vote, he was not even nominated for the trophy nor was he in the discussion about people that should have been part of the vote but were left out. Ivan had the funk stolen from him and no one even noticed that it had happened.

 

Another time Ivan has been FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY was all the way back in Season 82, during the VHLM playoffs. Ivan played wonderfully, even leading the league in points for a few games, then came the finals. Houston Vs. Saskatoon, Ivan scored one point in the entire series, and could only watch as Saskatoon dismantled one of the best playoff runs of his life. Ivan ended the playoffs with 20 points in 19 games, and for those wondering, no, he did not win the Founder's Cup. Yet again, he had a trophy stolen from him, although this time it was a team trophy.

 

Yet another time Ivan has been FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY was in Season 83, specifically during the regular season. The one difference between this Anal Fisting and the other ones is that this one was Simon’s fault. Ivan managed only 60 points in the VHLE and Simon refused to let him be the star everyone on the team had planned for him to be. He was solid, but still held back as Simon should have allowed at least 70 points from him based on his build. Still, this story isn’t the last time Ivan got FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY.

 

The third story I can think of where Ivan has been FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY was back in Season 87, when he missed out on the WC because the Team Asia GM chose a different centerman who was more unreliable than Ivan. He should have been on that WC team, but instead he had nothing to do for the entire offseason and was left bored out of his mind. The only thing that made the situation become a forgotten thought was Ivan's Season 88 Continental Cup win. Which to date is one of the only times Ivan has managed to avoid being FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY, though it very nearly happened during the finals of that season. Ivan has not had any close calls since that series and for all of our sakes, let's hope it stays that way.

[Alex 3,204]

1 hour ago, eagle_3450 said:

Seeing such a massive increase, one may think that Ivan would be a shoe-in for the Season 85 Funk Vote, or that he would at least be considered for the trophy. What actually happened? You ask? Well, Ivan not only did not get a single vote, he was not even nominated for the trophy nor was he in the discussion about people that should have been part of the vote but were left out. Ivan had the funk stolen from him and no one even noticed that it had happened.

Just to add a bit of context here, Retoslav was actually Malmo's nominee that season, however given that in the same season 4 players had larger increases by a considerable margin and another had a similar increase but at a much higher point total, Retoslav failed to make the final ballot. While his improvement is notable, it just occurred at the same time that other players took much larger steps forward.