R1c3Muncher 69 Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 (edited) It was a not so cloudy day, clear skies ruled the land. A rarity, in autumn Saskatoon. Three rookies, Jakub Rhinehart, Borje Samuelsson, and Niklas Kurri were out for a Sunday stroll. "I don't really wanna go to practice" said Kurri, "let's go to the casino! I'm not getting paid nearly enough." "Uh...I don't know. We have a big game against Moscow tomorrow. If we win, we can secure top spot in the division." Samuelsson replied. "Oh it won't do us any harm, to go outside for a few hours. Coach won't even be at practice, he won't know. Rhinehart suggested. The three friends decided to go out. First, they stopped by the local bar. Being a small town, Saskatoon really only had one popular bar. These three frequented the venue so much that they were known by all the customers. "HEY! IT'S THE HOCKEY PLAYERS!!" the crowd cheered. The boys drank and drank, until they could not anymore. It was estimated that they spent a total of about $400 of alcohol between the three of them. They were in no shape to be going to a casino that night. However, they carried on. They walked to the town's water hole for gamblers. "Uh, damn. I don't know if this is a good idea now." Kurri hesitated. "It was your idea" Samuelsson snarled, "if anyone's losing money tonight, it's you!" The boys walked in. They played rounds of roulette and blackjack. Eventually, they were holding chips totaling about $7000 altogether. They were ready to check out. After receiving their money, the boys walked out. Unfortunately, they did not notice the people following closely behind them. They knew that the three boys were drunk, so they made a plan to steal their hard earned money. The boys decided to cut through an alley so that if one of them threw up, it wouldn't be in front of many people. Just then, the soon-to-be thieves struck. They grabbed whatever they could find and started beating up the hockey players. The drunk players stood no chance. They lost all their money and were unable to get back home. They spent the night sleeping behind a dumpster. The boys woke up, each, with a splitting headache. They had no recollection of the previous night. "What happened?" Rhinehart asked, "What are we doing here?" Quickly, Kurri replied, "It was probably Borje. That guy's out of control." The two of them looked around, where was Samuelsson? Could he have woken up and left them there overnight? He was nowhere to be seen! They decided to walk back home, maybe Samuelsson had stumbled home. When they got there, they noticed that the door was locked. "No way this drunk fool would have remembered to lock the door last night." Kurri thought. Niklas and Jakub searched the entire house for Borje, but to no avail. Where was he? Suddenly, they remembered their Monday matinee against Moscow. The boys rushed to get dressed and cleaned up. They then raced to the rink. Upon their arrival, they noticed that the team was already almost set to take the ice. Their stalls had been cleared, and the trainer walked up to them, at the door. "The coach wants to talk to you." he said. Kurri and Rhinehart looked at each other. They nervously walked toward the coach's office. When they stepped inside, what they saw frightened them. To be continued in Part 2 Edited November 8, 2014 by R1c3Muncher Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikkurri17 109 Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 nice job r1ce, looking forward to part 2! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator frescoelmo 1,229 Posted November 9, 2014 Moderator Share Posted November 9, 2014 Content: 3/3 - This reminded me a little bit of The Hangover, and probably Jardy to a lesser extent. Cool write-up about some VHLM players who went out against their better judgement and paid for it dearly. ~570. Grammar: 1/2 - Generally speaking, you use commas to introduce or end direct quotations. division." Samuelsson = division," Samuelsson practice" said = practice," said know. Rhinehart suggested = know," Rhinehart suggested about $400 of alcohol between = about $400 on alcohol between now." Kurri = now," Kurri "if anyone's = "If anyone's idea" Samuelsson = idea," Samuelsson night." Kurri thought. = night," Kurri thought. you." he said. = you," he said. Appearance: 1/1 - Try adding some color to your text, or use the bold/italic feature to add to the presentation. 5/6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Molholt 2,183 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Molholt 2,183 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Content: 3/3 - Content was interesting enough, what will happen to them next time!?Grammar: 1.5/2 - Comma usage with quotations was in fact bad, yet for the most part it doesn't distract me as much as some mistakes might. It is rather annoying though. A couple of things Fresco didn't mention. Oh it won't do us any harm, to go outside for a few hours. -- Oh, it won't do us any harm to go outside for a few hours. The boys woke up, each, with a splitting headache. -- remove the second comma. Appearance: 1/1 - I think that an article format like this one, where there is a lot of talking, is a good time to introduce some type styling. Set apart them speaking perhaps, or maybe denote different people in some way. Little things like that can boost the appearance. Overall: 5.5/6 Average: 5.25, Final: 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James 77 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Claimed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.png.ed69a7260a477fcf4feead7a0e4b7506.png)
Recommended Posts