Bilbo Teebaggins' Biography

[SackButter 7]

Bilbo Teebaggins never really fit in.  His mother was 3’3” and his father, tall for a hobbit was 3’9.  As you can imagine, it was a surprise to the village when Bilbo grew to 6’3”.  He had to sleep in the barn growing up because his forehead took a terrible beating on door frames.  He spent years on the farm working the scythe in the wheat fields as he could clear the fields many times faster than the average shireperson.  In his free time he would use the scythe to hit stones on an orc outline he drew on the barn.  Eventually he got so good he could hit the orc from 50 feet away.

He went on the youth pilgrimage and saw the barn of the Harrowdale Orc Slayers, the reigning champions of Middle Earth Hockey (MEH for short).  Being that he was 3 feet taller than the biggest blue liner on the team, they trimmed his foot hair, put him in skates and signed him to a contract.  He did not lead the league in penalty minutes as the other players decided they would take it easy on him and his battle hardened forehead.   He did manage to be the main reason that the Orc Slayers finished the season with a goals against average of 0.83. 

He made the All-Hobbit team every year he played and eventually the Hobbit Hall of Fame.  When he decided to retire from the MEH, his skates went into the Hall of Fame with many hobbit children getting their pictures taken while standing in them. 

Then the year he retired the Orc Slayers lost over half their games.  Bilbo decided he was not just another Teebaggins and that he would come out of retirement to help his team regain their glory.  Just as the season was about to start with a newly motivated Teebag at the helm, this whole Mordor thing erupted and Bilbo grabbed his bag and volunteered to go to battle for his people.  He struck down many orcs with his patented scythe shot technique honed all those years ago on the farm.  Unlike his time in hockey, he was able to get many penalty minutes for fighting was in the Hobbit army.  After completing his hobbit of army service he went back home. 

Biblo was still a young man and he had many years of young life.  Also, while in the Hobbit service, he had heard of the VHL.  A league beyond the sea where men sized men play hockey.  No more would he take awkward team pictures that either only showed his belly button and down or were the picture was taken from 20 feet away.  Now he could play the game as Gandolf intended. 

Bilbo got off the bus and was immediately amazed by all the human sized humans walking about and carrying all manner of fancy hockey sticks.  They all had matching sweaters and several were his size or bigger.  He walked up to a rink that said skills competition enter here.  He had never seen a scythe shot hit as fast as the shots he was witnessing here.  The thunderous crack of rock shaped rubbers hitting the boards.  Bilbo was not certain he would be able to compete at this level after seeing them up close.  He saw two of the human sized humans throw there gloves down and start fighting.  Suddenly he could understand why the hobbits would not engage him at the MEH.  It is very likely he would be in shire jail right now which is not built to accommodate his height.  There was another rink that said speed competition.  Bilbo had never seen anyone on skates more that fast.  Bilbo’s line mate on the Orc Slayers was named Weeman.  Weeman did not cut down the ice like these players but more troubled down the ice with his arms moving in a difficult to watch labored motion that an elderly human female might do upon first waking up in the morning.  These players were faster, stronger and shot the rocks with much more accuracy. 

This is it though.  Bilbo was finally where he belonged.  He was in what looked to be a finer shrine to hockey than even the elves could devise.  He had been working his whole life for this and now it would happen.  He was assigned to the right side defense on his first trial.  He would be certain to make the coaches proud.  He had his skates recently sharpened, he had taped his stick and carefully placed his hockey armor on for the great battle. 

Just as Bilbo was ready to go out on the great ice for the first time, Gandolf arrived.  Gandolph bequeathed to Bilbo the stick of a thousand ages.  Just as Bilbo was ready to take the ice he realized one thing that caused a tsunami wave of despair to wash across his brow.  He realized he forgot his lucky cup in Mordor.  Gandolf sighed.

[jacobcarson877 2,520]

Short king!

[Tetricide 679]

On 1/9/2024 at 5:21 PM, SackButter said:

Gandolph bequeathed to Bilbo the stick of a thousand ages.

I need lore on the Stick of a Thousand Ages!

What a fun biography to read