Jericho 917 Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 The Pajodcast Player Agency: Part 3 Snow Eater The low hum of the submarine was the only thing breaking the silence as Skylar Rift sat in silence, waiting as they drew closer to the coast of Germany, and the secret Blades of Steel facility. Alone with his thoughts, Rift sat there for hours until Sullivan entered the bulkhead. "I need you to come with me," he said, before turning to talk toward the medical bay. Rift stood and followed Sullivan into the bay, where an attractive young female doctor stood waiting. "Skylar, this is Dr. Naomi Young, she'll be giving you a series of injections to reduce the effects of certain chemical weapons during your mission". Dr. Naomi "Oh, Sky and I are already well acquainted Mr. Sullivan," Dr. Naomi said, her voice dripping with innuendo. Skylar removed his shirt and laid down while Dr. Naomi hooked him up to an IV drip, and that was the last thing he remembered before he slipped into unconsciousness. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rift awoke to the sound of a torpedo launching, before long he found himself shooting off into the ocean at impossibly high speeds. The journey only lasted about 30 seconds before the torpedo slowed, but Rift wasn't able to get a grip on his surroundings during that time. He took stock and found he'd been tethered to the torpedo, but not before being outfitted with scuba gear. Rift saw the Blades of Steel facility nearby, and approached it quickly. He had no idea what was going on, but he wasn't going to get any answers until he was breathing real air again. Skylar surfaced inside if the facility, on the bottom floor, 20 feet under sea level. The entire floor was a warehouse setting, with the surfacing pool he was in on one end and an elevator at the other. Rift noticed two guards between him and the elevator, and quickly made his way to them. After awkwardly snapping their necks and then humping them in search of supplies he made his way into the elevator, where he removed his scuba masked and used his codec to call Sullivan. "Sully, why the hell was I left unconscious when I was hooked the the torpedo? Nobody thought to wake me so I could do it myself?" Rift asked angrily. Pajodcast Agency Submarine "Hey asshole, you're the one who didn't set an alarm. Get yourself up next time, you're a grown up aren't you?" Sullivan replied. "Fuck that noise. I also notice I seem to have no weapons on me. Nobody thought I'd need those?" Dr. Naomi cut in on the codec, "Actually all of your weapons would have shown up on the stations high-tech weapon tracking radar. So we just took them from you during the strip-search." "Oh great, I'm weaponless AND violated." Naomi looked insulted, "Hey now, if you get out of this I may let you return the favor on me. Good luck finding the local weapons, they're all registered and should be able to fool the stations sensors." Skylar said the word "sigh" aloud, before saying, "That is some of the most convoluted bullshit I've ever heard...I guess I was right about this adventure getting more ridiculous after all." Sullivan cut back in, "Skylar, you need to find Brick Wahl before it's too late. His current location is unknown, but there is a prisoner there who may know more. We need you to make contact with the DARPA chief, Clark Marcellin. He's being kept in the brig, 2 levels up from you." "Roger that, on the way." Continued in Part Four... Link to comment https://vhlforum.com/topic/15111-claimedthe-pajodcast-player-agency-part-3-final-66/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
pxzero 65 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 (edited) Content: 3/3 This is a story alright. Convoluted and ridiculous, but I'm into it. Grammar: 1.5/2. Being picky, there are a lot; however, I won't dock you for everything. comma placement isn't a big deal overall. Also, the wrong punctuation before a quotation came up a lot, but that isn't huge either. There were, however, a number of typos and wrong words, which I think were just a lack of proofreading. of Germany[,] and the secret Blades of Steel - unnecessary comma turning to walk toward - I assume this was a wrong word, but this story is so odd, he could have simply been talking at a room...? Dr. Naomi Young. She'll be giving - should be two sentences torpedo launching, and before long he found - weird transition. Should be a new sentence, or needed and. of Steel facility nearby[,] and [he] approached - either needs a pronoun for a proper independent clause, or just axe the comma inside [o]f the facility, - wrong word. Inside if the makes no sense elevator[,] and [he] quickly - same situation as the previous one. Pronoun or no comma. search of supplies, he made his way into - missing a comma up next time[,] you're a grown - wrong punctuation. Should be a . or preferably ;. Dr. Naomi cut in on the codec. "Actually, all ... - wrong punctuation. You don't have to comma into a quotation, it's either a . or a : . Also, missing a comma. Naomi looked insulted. "Hey now, - same as above weapons. They're all registered - break up the sentences station's sensors - missing apostrophe. The sensors belong to the station aloud, before saying: "That is... " - same as before Sullivan cut back in. "Skylar," - ditto Appearance: 1/1 Yep Total: 5.5/6 Should get full marks on the next grade. Just be careful next time. Edited December 9, 2014 by pxzero Link to comment https://vhlforum.com/topic/15111-claimedthe-pajodcast-player-agency-part-3-final-66/#findComment-159983 Share on other sites More sharing options...
twillcox94 21 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Content: 3/3 Always will give full marks for something outside the box. Refreshing to read. Grammar: 1.5/3 Again Firkley hit everything I noticed. Some of it is just a preference more than correction and would normally be a 1.75 if it was a bit longer of an article. Appearance: 1/1 A photo didn't show up for me but I would assume it is just on my end. Clean and easy to read. Total: 5.5/6 OVERALL: 5.5 - 5.5 = 6/6 Link to comment https://vhlforum.com/topic/15111-claimedthe-pajodcast-player-agency-part-3-final-66/#findComment-160466 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jericho 917 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I need to stop writing these 20 minutes before they're due. I almost lost the TEEPS. Thanks for being merciful oh grading gods! Appearance: 1/1 A photo didn't show up for me but I would assume it is just on my end. Clean and easy to read. I hope for your sake it wasn't the picture of the sub. The sub makes the entire mission better. Link to comment https://vhlforum.com/topic/15111-claimedthe-pajodcast-player-agency-part-3-final-66/#findComment-160489 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendrick 4,741 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Claimed Link to comment https://vhlforum.com/topic/15111-claimedthe-pajodcast-player-agency-part-3-final-66/#findComment-164337 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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