Fartgate

[.sniffuM 1,741]

In a controversy that has rocked the VHLM, E'Twaun Delicious farted in a game earlier this week. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but the fart, which was audible even in the nosebleeds, seemed to actually propel Delicious forward faster. Given he was racing to the goalie on a breakaway opportunity, there is some actual depth to this controversy.

"Now this wasn't a natural fart," said ESPN correspondent Barry Melrose on the controversy. "We have it here zoomed in on the buttocks at super slow speed, there's actually some rippling throughout the cheeks, that's how powerful the fart was. Where's the talk about that? Where is the outrage about a fart clearly driven by performance enhancing drugs?"

"The average human fart will measure anywhere between 0.1 to 0.3 nauts of force," said fart expert Ned Stark (no relation). "From all of the different angles we have, it's clear that this far registered a 0.5, maybe even a 0.6, propelling him forward faster than the goalie could possibly anticipate. In my opinion, this has to be the result of PEDs. There just isn't any other explanation."

Delicious declined to comment on the matter.