Encarnacion Ranks Minor Penalties (#15->#11)

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According to Wikipedia, there are 26 varieties of minor penalty in the sport of hockey. As a PIM expert, I will be ranking all 26 PIMs, giving you a good guide as to how you should attempt to hockey once you get on the ice.

 

#15 - Closing Hand On Puck

 

Logically, this makes sense. Ever since the days that we humans were carrying clubs and just learning about fire, we've figured out that throwing hard small stuff at things wrecks their shit. Unfortunately, now in 2015, there's all this PC bullshit and they'll dock you with the minor penalty as soon as you lay hands on the puck. The truly talented PIMers are able to get off a quick throw before the minor is awarded, netting them a major and possible ejection, but that's only reserved for the upper echelon of PIMers

 

#14 - Unsportsmanlike Conduct

 

While the act of shitting on the ice is easily one of my favourite and go-to PIMs in the major category, it simply doesn't share the same veracity as a minor. The minor is only reserved for "Mild inconveniences", so if you say fart in the direction of a player for example, or you pee on the ice but you direct it against the wall to reduce offense. Some less talented PIMers have been known to attempt to shit on the ice, but not had the speed to lower their pants, leaving the shit in their pants mistaken for a fart and a minor unsportsmanlike penalty. While the effort can be commended, sitting in the penalty box with a shit in your pants is an undesirable situation.

 

I would also like to use this talk about farts to report that I let out a fart at work today that "smelled like dead people". While I cannot confirm that this is my best fart to date, it is easily in the top five.

 

#13 - Holding

 

Truly, the Dane Cook of minor penalties. This is where the PIMer holds onto the opponent and...does nothing. Come on, if you're going to get physical, GET PHYSICAL! Punch him in the face, hit him with your stick, whip out your dick, I dunno, just SOMETHING!

 

#12 - Throwing Stick

 

Like Closing Hand On Puck, this seems like a logical move, you have a large stick, it'll probably hurt, so just absolutely launch it at a guy right? Well, guess what? This is a minor, meaning you missed your shot. Good Job. Not only that, you've not just pissed your opponent, but you've given him a second stick to use as a weapon, giving him a prime opportunity to either get a major or an ejection, and leaving you defenseless for a beating.

 

#11 - Roughing

 

The best way to describe Roughing is that it's lame. It's just shoving your opponent repeatedly, like, why? Are you scared of hurting the guy or something so you're reducing the chance of injury. Good job tough guy, take your two minute minor and fuck off.

[Phil 5,119]

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