Harambe Rises [1/2]

[Seth 92]

 

We’re not quite sure how this has occurred, as scientists, doctors, religious figures, and hockey fans across the world remain in awe of the news regarding Harambe’s resurrection. For those who have been living under a rock and are unaware, Harambe, an innocent gorilla who was sent down by God to redeem mankind, was shot and killed by the Cincinnati Zoo on May 28, 2016. Millions of individuals across the world have been mourning the chosen one’s death since, as the world seemed significantly bleaker since this tragic loss. However, the unexpected and miraculous resurrection of Harambe has brought hope to the aforementioned millions, but the future for this amazing creature is quite odd.

 

According to multiple reports, Harambe’s resurrection has granted the gorilla some newfound abilities. These include but are not limited to: the ability to successfully communication in the English language, possessing human-like capabilities within his hands, and express his emotions like any other typical human-being. Moreover, given these additional new skills and traits Harambe has acquired in his second life, he has decided to pursue a secret dream of his during both his initial, and now second life; this of course is the pursuit of a professional hockey career. Consequently, Harambe has filed for entry into the Victory Hockey League (VHL), which is widely recognized as the single best hockey league in the entire world. We have received word that Harambe’s application to be admitted into the Victor Hockey League has been approved, and that he has signed a one-million dollar contract with the Ottawa Lynx of the VHLM (the minor league system of the VHL).

 

One can argue that Harambe’s admittance into the VHL is a huge boon for both the league and mankind as a whole, as it offers the VHL a figure and name that everyone around the world recognizes, and the millions of individuals who mourned Harambe’s execution, now get to see their lord and savior potentially succeed on the ice.

 

When we tried to reach out to Ottawa Lynx General Manager, Jardy Bunclewirth regarding his latest and most notorious signing yet, we received the following comments, “I’m too drunk to eat this chicken.” Those are some interesting words indeed for the Lynx’s general manager, and it once again proves how invaluable an asset Harambe will be for both his new team and the VHL as a whole.

 

Harambe is expected to be introduced next week at a press conference in Ottawa, where he will be formally introduces to both the Lynx and VHL press, as well as meeting his future teammates for the very first time. It remains to be seen how meaningful an impact Harambe will bring on the ice and in terms of victories for his new team, but what cannot be doubted is that the hero that our planet deserves has returned, and has offered us a second opportunity to earn our redemption; let’s hope as a society we don’t blow this chance again!

 

"Harambe did nothing wrong"

 

Edited January 30, 2017 by Seth

[Seth 92]

Claiming 6 (plus donation double) = 12

[DollarAndADream 3,357]

Review:

Praise Harambe.

Funny article, dude.