Claimed:Wait, Why Can't I Take My Trousers Off Here?

[Tagger 2,722]

 

In a shocking turn of events, Edwin Encarnacion is frantically searching for a new personal coach and agent after Ron Dayne III resigned from the role yesterday. Dayne, who broke ground in the VHL by being the first player to successfully make the transition from professional football to the VHL Minor League, has had a huge effect on the play of Encarnacion and had he not involved himself with the former baseball star, there isn’t a doubt in anyone’s mind that Encarnacion would not be let anywhere near the ice. It’s also a testament to the character of Ron Dayne III that, even after working with Encarnacion for 3 years, he had somehow managed to restrain himself from smothering the Dominican with a pillow. We managed to get access to the note that Dayne left for Encarnacion and it reads as below:

 

“Dear Edwin,

 

It’s been a hell of a ride my boy, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to resign from my role as your personal coach and agent. I remember the moment when I heard about your desire to get into the VHL and decided to offer my services to you like it was just yesterday. Whilst maybe you were not doing joining the league for the right reasons, I felt that, as a fellow two-sport athlete, I should offer any assistance that I could to help you achieve the dream you were chasing. I am so overwhelmingly proud of the development you have made as a player since we first met three years ago. Remember how you couldn’t even stand up on the ice in our first session? Sure, you’re only standing up for no longer than a minute at a time right now, but that’s an improvement of 6000 percent! There is no other player in the VHL who has had to improve that much since they first started and, regardless as to how your career continues, you should be proud of your achievements. YEAH! But I must go now Edwin…

 

My Country Needs Me

 

Ron Dayne III

 

P.S. I’m sorry for laminating this, but I know what you’re like for burning stuff seem-“

 

The rest of the letter is cut off by what appears to be a burn mark caused by repeated attempts to set the note on fire.

 

 

We managed to grab a word with Encarnacion, the man who we thought would be most thankful for the help of Ron Dayne III. Turns out that this maybe wasn’t the case…

 

“Haha, wait you want me to talk about that fool man? Shit, that guy did nothin’ for me, nahmsayin’? All he kept talking about was how I had to think positively about my hockey man, and then try and teach me how to play the game and I’m like what? Bitch try training me in passing the hockeyball and I’m like why you want this hockeyball, nahmsayin’? I mean you gave it to me for a reason man, and now you want me to just give it straight back to you, the fuck man?! Then he says I need to stop burning shit, and I’m like why, and he’s like cause that’s the third house I own you’ve burned down, and I’m like that’s got nothing to do with nothing, nahmsayin’? If he didn’t want me to burn his house down, maybe he shouldn’t have a house, nahmsayin’? That guy did zip for me man, nada!”

 

In other news, we’ve been informed by the police that they have sent out warning letters to many parents in the Cologne area, after a rumour that had been spread around the students at the local schools turned out to be true. Apparently, if one looks at himself in the mirror and says Edwin Encarnacion three times, he comes and burns your house down.  It’s also worth noting that insurers are actively refusing to offer fire insurance to anyone situated in the Cologne area, due to the impact of Edwin Encarnacion. Good job Edwin, you piece of shit!

[Guest Svoboda_3]

Content: 3/3

671 words. I can't say that this wasn't weird or unique, cause it was, but it was VHL related. The wording was like I just watched Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In Da Hood. Structurally, it was done well otherwise.

Grammar: 2/2

Appeared strong.

 

doing joining = going to join?

man, and = man and

hockeyball, that's a new one..lol

Appearance: 1/1

Center alignment, photos, italics; all good additions

Overall: 6/6

[Smarch 3,153]

Claimed