Whiskey Malone, D: Rookie Report [1/2]

[mollymcdeath 1]

Whiskey Malone, D  39, 6’5”, 215 lbs 

Hometown: Madison, AL, USA

With a beard that would make an 1849 gold miner envious, Whiskey Malone has stepped onto the ice and into the world of VHL. At just 39 years old this hulking 215 pounder is no spring chicken. Previously drafted by the Zambronies of the Crust County Community Center D-League, Whiskey has developed his two-way play to become a true force to be reckoned with. 

 

PROS

 

Play-making

Whiskey is a team player through and through, known for rallying his mates with a hearty “Hell Yeah, Brother!” and setting up dirty one-timers through the opposition to his homies. Like a redneck Jesus Whiskey sacrifices his body repeatedly blocking shots that could take down a gorilla in the wild. Gratuitous with words of praise and encouragement even in the toughest times, Whiskey is truly a giver and not a taker.

 

On-Ice Presence

Loud, inebriated, and energetic. It’s hard to ignore Whiskey’s enthusiasm for the game. As a sure to be fan-favorite Whiskey not only rallies his teammates and home crowd but makes himself at home in the opponents’ kitchens frying up chicken livers and pouring highballs of bourbon. Whiskey relies on intimidation (though not aggressive) to rattle his opponents and knock them off their game.

 

Opportunist

Whiskey is quik to create scoring chances from others’ mistakes. A specialist in creating turnovers he briefly earned the nickname of “The Pastry Chef.” Creative skating while under pressure, efficiency in retrieving loose pucks, and precise passing to intuitive targets are what made this former D-Leaguer an integral part of the Zambronies core during their push for the elusive Barf Bucket championship trophy.

 

 

 

 

CONS

 

Might Be Drunk

Nothing comes between Whiskey and his whiskey. While Whiskey has built up a huge tolerance for booze, once in awhile it can sneak up on him. Sneaky booze has a noticeable effect on his discipline and stamina. In the past, training staff have recommended keeping a fresh brewed pot of coffee, greasy diner food, and electrolyte enhanced beverages on hand in the locker room. 

 

Lover Not A Fighter

Whiskey’s size and personality deceive his physicality. Rarely sending another player into the boards or engaging in fights. This can cause problems at times as he is often the instigator, inciting discontent yet rarely accepts the repercussions. This can bleed over into locker room problems with teammates who suffer the consequences of his behavior.

 

Position?

Whiskey is always where he should be, except when he’s not. It’s all great when he’s making sick plays, dirty passes, tasty turnovers, holy goals, and defending the guts of the ice, but it’s not so great when he’s getting pinched down in the offensive zone. Whiskey needs work on his backchecking, speed, and overall positional awareness.

 

 

Conclusion: Whiskey is an energetic and enthusiastic asset to any team. He’ll make plays happen and get butts slappin’ but he can also be a liability due to a lacking sense of duty.

 

Edited July 9, 2019 by mollymcdeath

[Datools 7]

Review: Love the graphic, interesting alcoholic backstory lol 

Would love to know more about Whiskey's background. You know, his therapists notes as to why he's an alcoholic haha

Quote

 Crust County Community Center D-League

^only second to the NHL in terms of league prestige