Houston Hosts Massive Party to Celebrate the Bulls' Miracle Week

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Against every conceivable odd the Houston Bulls are no longer at the bottom of the VHLM standings. Instead of spending their time at the local bar drinking their sorrows away the Bulls players are about to have the biggest party in history of Houston.

 

“Not since 1837 when this city was founded has the entire city of Houston been as overjoyed as we are right now, the Bulls are no longer in last place!!” Mayor Sylvester Turner told the live news report all while shotgunning his third drink of the afternoon. For the Houston Bulls this week has been the greatest week in franchise history. “I did not believe that they could do it but they did it….They are in eighth place, its amazing.” An openly emotional party goer told local media as he ugly cried at the thought of the Bull’s miraculous run.

 

At the start of the week the Bulls sat at the bottom of the standings and were the laughingstock of the league, however the rival Mexico City Kings decided that it was their turn to take the laughingstock title and usurped the Bulls as the worst in the league over this past week. “This honestly is up there with the greatest moments in hockey history, this is the true miracle on ice, the Bulls are not in last!!” Mayor Turner told the crowd of over 10,000 on stage at the party before drunkenly falling off the stage and breaking his hip.

 

The party is reported to have lasted 33 hours filled with drunken partying as the entire city of Houston shut down for an impromptu holiday in honor of the Bulls’ miraculous week. Star forward Roadkill Steve was spotted dancing in a moshpit alone, completely naked and full of drunken glee. “I honestly think the sky is the limit for us, watch out Ottawa we are coming for you!” GM Sonnet told reporters before she projectile vomited all over them.

 

For goaltender John Poremba this was a particularly emotional party “The defense finally showed up.” He said as the entire defensive unit showed up to the party late once again leaving their goalie to bail out the team and set up the party by himself “This happens a lot to me honestly…I need to sit down, my back is sore from carrying this team.” He said before sitting in a corner by himself and sipping a glass of sparkling water.

 

“See bots good for team, we make team win. Go bots go!” Bot 2 said as he drunkenly took to the stage and started deriding the actual human members of the team. The rant went on for 4 minutes before he was shot by local law enforcement to the delight of the crowd.

 

At the end of the party everyone walked away completely hungover leaving downtown Houston as a complete mess. The Bull’s players, much to their dismay learned that they had a game in 3 hours and had to get suited up for it. Each player took the ice in the dim arena wearing sunglasses and hoping that they once again would get bailed out by their goalie. Unknown to the team Poremba had stayed behind and was the only person cleaning up after the party.

 -Duke McKart, The Houston Hustler

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