Groovy Dood's Excellent Adventure

[bigAL 2,176]

Groovy Dood, the 25-year-old left winger out of the backwoods of northern Ontario, has declared for the S73 VHL draft.

 

 

Dood grew up in a hippy commune somewhere far enough north that he became an expert in rocks and trees, but far enough south that his family had a viable farm. Groovy spent his winters playing shinny on the frozen pond behind the hemp field, and spent his summer mastering his hand-eye coordination as a competitive hackey-sacker. From an early age, Groovy was identified as being a special athlete. Groovy was hacking sack before he was out of his diapers. By age four, he could keep a streak going higher than he could count. It was during his first year at lil’ hippy school that Groovy discovered competition, and the pure joy that comes from beating others at sports. Soon, he was training to be the best, and challenging anyone he could find. He was out-sacking 12 year old boys when he was in third grade. He was six when he first hackey sacked his dad, and six plus one day when Groovy finally defeated him. By the time Groovy Dood was ten years old, he had travelled to every hippy commune on the planet and defeated their reigning champions. Without anyone left to beat, Groovy hung up the ‘sack for good. He decided to pour his time, energy, and natural athletic abilities into his other passion: hockey.

 

Through his teenage years, Dood spent every waking winter second outside on the pond. He was happiest when he was playing with the other hippy boys, hippy-dipsy-doodling around everyone, dodging swinging dreads, leaping over the red line made of doritos, enjoying the hockey hippy lifestyle.

 

In the early 2010s, Groovy’s hippy commune got raided by the RCMP. Apparently, not all of the plants being grown in Dood’s ranch were “legal”. Every hippy over the age of 18 got shown the backseat of a cruiser, and all the hippies-in-training would be sent to a different hippy commune. Except Groovy.

 

It turns out that the RCMP had been watching this particular hippy commune for quite some time. The drones watched through the growing season into the harvest time, searching out drugs, but they stayed hovering above the encampment all throughout the winter. One of the officers had noticed Groovy grooving around his outdoor rink. This officer, luckily enough for Groovy Dood, was also a part-time scout for the local senior men’s team.

 

Groovy Dood was wearing his first real set of equipment six weeks later, skating on the first line of the Hicksville Darts of the Northern Ontario Bush Whackin League (NOBWL). His free-wheeling, no-darns-given attitude complemented the Darts perfectly. They were all goons who wanted to foil their knuckles and collect opponent’s teeth, and Groovy became the goal-scorer that allowed the goons to play face-punch, rock-em-sock-em playoff hockey.

 

Groovy put up absolutely ridiculous video-game numbers that season with the Darts. He averaged 37 minutes of ice time, because by the third period he was often the only left winger remaining on the bench. He scored completely at will, and ended up with 164 goals in 32 games. Groovy only got one assist that year, when a shot of his missed the net and deflected in off Goondawg’s helmet.

 

He was playing men’s hockey in the bushes of the Canadian Shield, competing against meaty lumberjacks and wild whiskey drinkers, but Groovy Dood didn’t know anything different. He probably could have been drafted to the OHL that season, if he knew the OHL existed. But he didn’t, so he spent the off-season. Ever a student of the game, Groovy saw his Cy Young-esque stat-line and began to work on his passing. With the Darts being the Darts, his passing ended up being more like shooting at his teammates sticks, but his assist totals went up the next season.

 

Groovy Dood spent the next decade of his life repeating this cycle. Tearing up the bushwhacking league with the Darts all winter, training on one specific aspect of his game all summer. Hackey sack before and after games to warm up and cool down. It was all he knew, and all he did. Groovy Dood became a goal scoring, hackey-sacking machine.

 

Season	Team	League	GP	G	A	Pts	PIM	+/-
2012-13	Darts	NOBWL	32	164	1	165	6	1
2013-14	Darts	NOBWL	32	1	164	165	12	-1
2014-15	Darts	NOBWL	32	32	32	64	24	5
2015-16	Darts	NOBWL	32	50	49	99	46	10
2016-17	Darts	NOBWL	32	0	1	1	1268	1
2017-18	Darts	NOBWL	32	121	24	145	58	36
2018-19	Darts	NOBWL	32	74	26	100	79	44