Claimed:Bad News For Doomsday Agency

[Doomsday 4,130]

Bad News For Doomsday Agency

 

NEW YORK - As HC Davos Dynamo captain and right wing Thomas Landry continues to celebrate another Continental Cup win, his agent's focus has suddenly been shifted away from the happy occasion. While one of the Doomsday Agency's clients is at the pinnacle of their careers, another has hit rock bottom. Jack Kowalski, who was a superstar linebacker at Texas and became a first round pick of the Oakland Raiders has learned that he has been banned by the National Football League for life.

 

"Kowalski's actions have no place in the National Football League," announced NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at a press conference yesterday. "For the betterment of the league and for the continued safety and welfare of our players, I have no other option other than to ban Jack Kowalski from the NFL for life."

 

The Rog doesn't find many things amusing.

 

These actions stem, of course from an incident last season in which the Raiders were playing an AFC West rival, the Kansas City Chiefs. During the game, many vicious and illegal blocks were used by the Chiefs, which went unpunished by the refs at Arrowhead Stadium. Eventually, one of these blocks resulted in an injury to a teammate, in which the officials penalized the injured player for faking an injury. Enraged, Kowalski attacked both the Chiefs player and the official before being removed from the stadium under a heavy security escort.

 

"It wasn't the right thing to do," said Kowalski after the ban was handed down. "But now I'll be haunted by this the rest of my life. Sure, I shouldn't have attacked either of them. That's a given. But if those goddamned officials had been doing their jobs and calling a clean game, then this entire thing would have never happened. That should be the real issue. If I'm a huge threat to player safety, then what are these officials who don't enforce rules designed to maximize safety?"

 

Total hunks, apparently.

 

While Kowalski's football career is undoubtedly over, he has not been dropped by the Doomsday Agency. In fact, that is far from their intentions, as they actually seek to "re-brand" the young player.

 

"Why should we drop him?" said Doomsday Agency representative John Gordon. "Jack is a talented young man who just needs to find a sport that's right for him. So the NFL doesn't tolerate an occasional fight that stemmed from flared tempers. However, I know a sport that does tolerate and promote this: hockey! The Victory Hockey League has seen several players come from bizarre backgrounds and excel. Hell, Edwin Encarnacion never played hockey in his life and he became a first round prospect within a year of learning to skate. We have two years before Jack can officially become eligible to play under our representation, so I think that's more than enough time to mold him into a coveted VHL prospect."

 

Encarnacion proved to be an exceptional hockeyballer.

 

While Kowalski's only real assets as a hockey player are his fighting ability, physical abilities and willingness to learn the game, the Doomsday Agency has two full years to get him ready for the VHLM. From there, assuming a team is willing to take a chance on a player with such a negative reputation, he will have to prove himself yet again in order to make it to the Victory Hockey League. If one thing is for certain, any dissenters or naysayers won't be foolish enough to doubt Kowalski in his presence.

 

Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, which will beat your ass for trying to change it. He enjoys gambling on celebrity boxing events, using the hit stick on Michael Vick and inventing new and creative ways to humiliate interns.

 

 

[Molholt 2,185]

Content: 3/3 - I was concerned for a bit that this was way off topic, then I remembered what we had talked about and the plot twist came into play! Great article.

Grammar: 2/2 - Naaaaaah man. Good. 

Appearance: 1/1 - Of course!

Overall: 6/6

 

Final: 6

[Smarch 3,153]

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