Claimed:Jesus Christ enter the VHL - All Hell Breaks Loose

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Christ Ain't No Child And Now He Has Skates!

 

Though Jesus Christ once skated the hallowed rinks of the VHL in the past, he has risen again to join the league.  Will this time be different, or are we going to see more of the same from our Nazarene deity (or non-deity depending on the type of magic underwear you wear)?  Let's take a look at the pros and cons of having everyone's favorite carpenter join the league.

 

The Cons

 

1) VHL Commentary will need some tweaking.

 

According to FAN-590, VHL play-by-play callers and colour commentators are already undergoing sensitivity training to try and make some adjustments to a few terms that are currently part of the hockey analyses lexicon.  Some of the phrases that are being considered for change are 'Cross' crease pass, 'Ooh he got nailed into the boards', and 'He got denied for the third time' when referring to several saves in a row from a goalie.  Efforts are underway to find replacement terms, and inside sources have heard that the league is looking more towards Muhammed based double-entendres instead.

 

2) Fox News is dropping all television rights for the VHL.

 

 

Republican TV, also known as Fox News, has decided to drop all VHL hockey games from their lineup for the upcoming season as Jesus has decided to take the position of Left Wing on the ice.  Unable to associate themselves with anyone who would freely choose that label, even if it's not applicable at ALL to politics, they have decided to replace those time slots with the new upcoming reality show 'This is Why Illegal Aliens should be Deported'.  2016 Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton spoke to CNN today regarding the situation and remarked, "Those fuckers owe us a case of beer.  I TOLD them Jesus was a hippy liberal!"  Bratislava of the VHLM is also rumoured to be considering changing their logo to a donkey due to potential Democrat support and because that's what Jesus rode of course!

 

3)  Ticket prices are skyrocketing.

 

While this is good news for the teams, for fans of the sport this is a horrible situation.  Evangelicals world wide have purchased every last remaining ticket to any games that Jesus Christ might be at this upcoming season and are scalping them to the highest bidder - which happen to be other Evangelicals.  James Dobson, from Focus on the Family, commented today on the Gospel News Network, stating 'We made a killing by selling waffles that looked like the smashed left breast of the Virgin Mary last year - imagine what kind of money we are going to make off of THIS!'

 

The Pros

 

1) Teams will cut back on internal budgets.

 

It's not all bad news, as there is bound to be a huge financial boost to most of the teams in the league simply due to an increase in revenue.  There are other hidden benefits to teams as well however.  Going on a long road trip and need food?  Loaves of bread and fish for at least 5000 - free of charge!  Have an ear lopped off late in the third period?  No need for an expensive trainer or doctor - SHAZZAM - free Jesus heal!  There are bound to be all sorts of cost savings available for teams in the league simply due to his miraculous abilities.

 

2)  Intermission entertainment will be superb.

 

 

Already the VHL has started lining up some incredible shows for the intermissions at games.  From healing vaginal bleeding in random women, to fixing blindness through a combination of mud and spit - the Jesus Show (trademarked), is slated to be hitting arenas across the world this upcoming season.  Perhaps the most exciting idea yet is the chance for fans at the games see Jesus force herds of swine to skate through obstacle courses while calling them demons.  If Jesus can bring a dead guy to life, imagine what he can do with a few kids and tricycles!

 

At the end of the day the league is unsure exactly as to what will happen when Jesus Christ enters the scene.  Whether it's a glorious success or an horrific disaster, it should at least be exciting and fun to watch.  Best of luck to you Jesus.  May this next kick at the mortal can be more successful than your last one!

[Guest Svoboda_3]

Content: 3/3

725 words. I can honestly say I've never read anything in the VHL this religious and political-based in my time. Obviously you had an angle and you went with it. I thought it was comical in some aspects and informative in others.

Grammar: 2/2

You used (') a lot instead of actual (")

 

games see = games to see

an = a

Appearance: 1/1

Nothing sexy, but nothing to deduct from.

Overall: 6/6

[eaglesfan036 4,585]

Just saw this now, very funny I actually loled a few times.

[Guest]

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